Valentine's Day confusion. Finding meaning in everything

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like like I have to bring all the happiness and positivity to the relationship. It’s sucking me dry and I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Its like he doesn’t know how to have an appropriate conversation. If it were up to him we would be talking about very negative things or we would sit in silence listening to each other breath. I'm having more and more days where I'm very distant with him b/c I don't want him to mess up my peace when I have it. My BPDbf adds 0 to the relationship. He makes it so insecure and worthless to keep going. He’s broken up with me many many times because of things he’s done and I’ve let him go. Only for him to threaten and beg for me back.  I told him it would be better for us not to talk or have contact.  He wouldn’t have to lie to anyone, he wouldn’t have to cheat he could have his crazy sex encounters and not have to fear being caught, he wouldn’t have to force talk to anybody or have the stress of the relationship. But he keeps coming back in a forcefull way and I’m scared I wont be able to get rid of him the right way when the time comes. Like he would come back and ruin my next relationship or continue to come in my life until I let him in.  I want to do the no contact thing but that’s really impossible to do. I tried out for a job that could have helped me do the no contact approach but the job didn't work out. We don’t have sex anymore because it’s too nerve racking and in the 3 yrs we’ve never said “ I love you” I wanted to say it to him at one point at the beginning of the relationship only to have some stability and reason (but when I mentioned it and he became nasty and rude then said b/c of his past relationship he is afraid to love)(but he was the one who cheated on his ex multiple times) . But now it seems like he’s just forgotten about it. I don’t want love anymore from him but I want somebody to love that’s my goal in a relationship. I have to put so many boundaries up he doesn't feel like a bf. It feels more like a monster I'm trying to hiding in the basement. It's getting harder and harder as time goes on and Valentine's day is approaching and he want to do something for it but I don't feel like faking a smile and positive attitude with a human that is dead inside and doesn't want love.  I don't understand the point of doing anything for Valentine's day anyway. The first vday  we had together he said it was the best he ever had I thought the same until I found out he cheated on me a lot (on person has a serious sexual/menat disease) days after we had that wonderful Valentine's day. The  next vday he broke up with me right before then texted me happy vday and tried to call me non stop to see if I was with someone on vday. I don't know what he wants to do on this vday. We can't say I love, I'm not gonna have sex with him, we can't exchange gifts and hes not gonna talk to me and I'll be doing the positive talking at the table just so I won't go insane while he just looks down. If I turn down the dinner he will get mad. I'm so confused and sick of forcing it for the both of us. Tell me what u guys think about thing situation.

[Mrb87]

I feel like like I have to bring all the happiness and positivity to the relationship. It’s sucking me dry and I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Its like he doesn’t know how to have an appropriate conversation. If it were up to him we would be talking about very negative things or we would sit in silence listening to each other breath. I'm having more and more days where I'm very distant with him b/c I don't want him to mess up my peace when I have it. My BPDbf adds 0 to the relationship. He makes it so insecure and worthless to keep going. He’s broken up with me many many times because of things he’s done and I’ve let him go. Only for him to threaten and beg for me back.  I told him it would be better for us not to talk or have contact.  He wouldn’t have to lie to anyone, he wouldn’t have to cheat he could have his crazy sex encounters and not have to fear being caught, he wouldn’t have to force talk to anybody or have the stress of the relationship. But he keeps coming back in a forcefull way and I’m scared I wont be able to get rid of him the right way when the time comes. Like he would come back and ruin my next relationship or continue to come in my life until I let him in.  I want to do the no contact thing but that’s really impossible to do. I tried out for a job that could have helped me do the no contact approach but the job didn't work out. We don’t have sex anymore because it’s too nerve racking and in the 3 yrs we’ve never said “ I love you” I wanted to say it to him at one point at the beginning of the relationship only to have some stability and reason (but when I mentioned it and he became nasty and rude then said b/c of his past relationship he is afraid to love)(but he was the one who cheated on his ex multiple times) . But now it seems like he’s just forgotten about it. I don’t want love anymore from him but I want somebody to love that’s my goal in a relationship. I have to put so many boundaries up he doesn't feel like a bf. It feels more like a monster I'm trying to hiding in the basement. It's getting harder and harder as time goes on and Valentine's day is approaching and he want to do something for it but I don't feel like faking a smile and positive attitude with a human that is dead inside and doesn't want love.  I don't understand the point of doing anything for Valentine's day anyway. The first vday  we had together he said it was the best he ever had I thought the same until I found out he cheated on me a lot (on person has a serious sexual/menat disease) days after we had that wonderful Valentine's day. The  next vday he broke up with me right before then texted me happy vday and tried to call me non stop to see if I was with someone on vday. I don't know what he wants to do on this vday. We can't say I love, I'm not gonna have sex with him, we can't exchange gifts and hes not gonna talk to me and I'll be doing the positive talking at the table just so I won't go insane while he just looks down. If I turn down the dinner he will get mad. I'm so confused and sick of forcing it for the both of us. Tell me what u guys think about thing situation.

[PeteWitsend]

Well, it sounds like an awful situation.  sorry to hear you're going through that.

One thing I wasn't clear about: do you live with him?  If no contact is your goal, before then you need to start taking steps to physically separate yourself. 

also, you mentioned finding another job that would help you cut contact, and mentioned it didn't work out, but that doesn't mean you can't keep trying.  relocating for a career move is possible. 

If I were you, I would lower my expectations for Vday.  it's clear your relationship has much bigger issues than what he will or won't get you.

[formflier]

  Tell me what u guys think about thing situation.

Sounds tough.

How do you see this playing out?  Where do you want to be with this relationship... in... say, 6 months or so.

Have you read "choosing a path" (look to the right of your screen).

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mrb87, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Presumably you stay because you are still getting "something" out of the r/s.  What do you think that "something" is?  LuckyJim

[Mrb87]

We live in seperate apt's. Six months for now i feel we will be in the same situation like i said in other message boards he doesnt work on his BPD because he is in denial. He says its depression but i explained to him that depressing doesnt match any of the traits he shows. And there is far more there going on with him that goes pass him being sad and unmotivated. A depressed person doesnt manipulate, lie, change moods rapidly, and have impulse behavior problems. There isnt anything im getting out of the relationship. im able to provide for myself, he doesnt inspire me, i put a limit on the time i spend with him, we dont have sex anymore so its not sexual, my family doesnt know about him, and my friends dont know i still speak with him. So pretty much were just there. If i break up with him it wont be a safe break up it will interfere with my life and cause unneeded drama. And i dont cheat so i would feel weird to start up another relationship with him still there in the background. my friend believes i still talk to him because i put in so much work with him and getting him to understand boundaries and respect that i dont want to let all that hard work go then let someone else enjoy the work i put into him. i dont agree with this because ive seen his cycles so many times that i know when i leave my headache will just go to the next person in line and it will start again

[Mrb87]

im gonna take a look at "choosing a Path" now thanks

[formflier]

So... .where do YOU want to be in six months?

Not we... .me? (You)

FF

[Mrb87]

I want to happy and focused in 6 months. Stress free !

[formflier]

I want to happy and focused in 6 months. Stress free !

 

Love it!  That's clarity.


OK... .I'm one of those boring "make a plan" type of guys. 

What does the next 6 months look like so you can get to this goal?  What does this mean for you and relationships?


FF

[juju2]

wow, you sound like me, during different times in my 10 yr relationship.  Wish i had the community, there is a lot here for us nons, and the tools do make everything a lot better i am finding... .

it is hard for me to choose a path when i am enmeshed w someone.  I have gotten some space, and we are going to couples counseling, our r/s is much different than it was,its better;

 when i kept getting aggravated by him, and also trying to get all my needs met by him.  I felt sucked in and hopeless then, and i couldnt see what to do to make anything better... .

there is hope if you will do the work, i've found.there is an experienced, caring community here that really understands.

hang in there, j

[Lucky Jim]

he doesnt inspire me, i put a limit on the time i spend with him, we dont have sex anymore so its not sexual, my family doesnt know about him, and my friends dont know i still speak with him. So pretty much were just there.

Hey Mrb, So what is it that keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  From what you relate, it's not sex.  So what is it?  The answer might help you to find your path.

LuckyJim

[Mrb87]

I honestly don't know what has me hanging on.  It may be that I'm scared of the drama that will happen when I break up with him. Right now I can control him not seeing me because he know I'm still there. If I break up and leave him he will go bonkers and panic and barge into my life full force. In order to getting to me 6 month goal I will have to focus completely on growing me for the better.

[formflier]

. Right now I can control him not seeing me because he know I'm still there. If I break up and leave him he will go bonkers and panic and barge into my life full force. In order to getting to me 6 month goal I will have to focus completely on growing me for the better.

Can you explain this a bit more?  How exactly does breaking up (putting more distance in your relationship) get him closer to you (barge into your life).

How specifically does he get in your life, if you put him out?

Perhaps I've missed something... .

FF

[Mrb87]

Right now he's respecting my space and the boundaries I've set up. If I were to break up with him. I would have him at my house, calling my friends & family, looking for me, sending me threats, getting cursed out and search for me on social media. And I'm not ready for that part yet. I figure if we stay in the relationship but I'm Careful with how much of myself I give I can stay somewhat sane and more in control