New here:What was she feeling and how could I have responded better?

[Artemis71]

Hi I just joined this forum today. Unfortunately I cannot find anything similar where I am from in Australia.

My 19yo daughter has just recently been diagnosed with BPD after many many years of seeking answers as to what her problem is. Initial diagnosis was depression and anxiety but even after therapy and medication problems still persisted. It all makes sense to me now.

I am trying to learn to respond to her differently but today she was not in a good mood. She currently lives with her dad due to violence towards me and I dropped in to visit. She was in her room, door closed and when I went in she did not acknowledge me and had that gloomy look on her face. When I asked what what was wrong she replied she had no money. She is taking some time off work at the moment due to the illness. Her bosses decision, not hers. I stated that I also did not have any money at the moment. I presumed she would have realised that there was no point whinging to me as I was unable to help her. She then became enraged, with tears rolling down her cheeks, and said that she didn’t ask to have this disorder and she seemed to be blaming me and having a go at me because I wasn’t able to help her. She then screamed at me to leave.

What was she thinking and feeling and how could I have responded better?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Good morning from the East Coast of the US, Artemis, and welcome to the BPD board.

As is often said around here, I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you found us.  You are not alone in this.

AS far as your daughter being misdiagnosed for a number of years and then ending up with a BPD diagnosis, unfortunately, that is far too often the case.  It was exactly the case with my DD19 as well.  We went the "bipolar" route as opposed to you anxiety/depression, but you know what I mean.

So, your "what was she thinking and feeling" question:  I have no idea.  My educated guess is probably fear of the unknown, anger at having no money, anxiety about the disease and how to manage, potentially guilt for having it in the first place, and rejection of a situation that she clearly doesn't want to be in.

While all of those feelings are legitimate, they do not have to be assumed by you in an effort to make her feel better.  You (and I, and the rest of the people here) have our very own emotional bags of s**t to deal with.

Your response seems normal - you left.  Best thing for everyone, really.  You weren't going to giver her money, and that wasn't going to change, she was angry, and that wasn't going to change, s removing yourself from that situation was the best outcome, before it escalated into physical violence, as you indicated it had in the past.  So, nice job.

Maybe consider just calling/texting/emailing for a while?  If she asks to see you, feel free to set expectations and limits before you meet with her.  Those are your rights as a person.  You could say, "I would love to see you, as long as it's not for you to ask me for money or yell at me."

That is just advice, and feel free to take it, leave it, or modify it to whatever works for YOU.  Remember, while this situation may be about her from her point of view, you are the one with the daughter with BPD.  You and your needs are valid and important.

Keep posting here, it helps, and we're listening.

-jyw

[Whototurnto?]

Hi I just joined this forum today. Unfortunately I cannot find anything similar where I am from in Australia.

My 19yo daughter has just recently been diagnosed with BPD after many many years of seeking answers as to what her problem is. Initial diagnosis was depression and anxiety but even after therapy and medication problems still persisted. It all makes sense to me now.

I am trying to learn to respond to her differently but today she was not in a good mood. She currently lives with her dad due to violence towards me and I dropped in to visit. She was in her room, door closed and when I went in she did not acknowledge me and had that gloomy look on her face. When I asked what what was wrong she replied she had no money. She is taking some time off work at the moment due to the illness. Her bosses decision, not hers. I stated that I also did not have any money at the moment. I presumed she would have realised that there was no point whinging to me as I was unable to help her. She then became enraged, with tears rolling down her cheeks, and said that she didn’t ask to have this disorder and she seemed to be blaming me and having a go at me because I wasn’t able to help her. She then screamed at me to leave.

What was she thinking and feeling and how could I have responded better?

Dear Artemis71.

First of all I just wanted to say that I know a post on your post was intended for another post that I started, so I'm sorry if it appears I've hijacked yours! In response to your post I don't think I would have done anything differently. The trouble is the next time you see you DD you will be a little bit fearful as to how you are going to be treated and then things can feel awkward.

Wishing you all the best from England.

[bluek9]

Artemis71, welcome. Sorry you too find yourself in this space. I've been here about  month, it seems that when I read posts it's easy to understand that we all share deep pain. There is another thing we all share, support, understanding, ideas and encouragement. Start doing your homework, start at the right of this page. Over the years I have learned ways of interacting with my daughter but, here the first thing I learned was to use S.E.T. It's not perfect and you will learn that some of it depends on how your child receives it. Try it, I have found it gives my daughter the support she is so desperately looking for. I didn't tell her at first what I was doing, I just started using it. When I saw how she responded I explained it to her. Keep coming back, I'll be anxious to hear what you're trying and how it works for you. Bluek9