Broken up, but can't let go or stop trying to get her back

[Radcliff]

Cutting contact would help in some areas but in others I think it would leave her more vulnerable and yes by her own making probably but I'm not one for watching someone in need and doing nothing  so it's a stuck in the middle situation in a way... .

Robbland, I totally get where you are coming from.  So many of my actions have been driven by my desire to protect my wife's vulnerable inner child.  I have in fact given 30 of my 50 years to that endeavor.  I found out very late in the game that sacrificing myself didn't work out so well.  I lost myself, and she got worse.  I was afraid to leave her alone and vulnerable.  I didn't discover BPD until six years ago, and didn't connect with this site and start learning the tools until a year ago.  If I had it to do over, I'd push for a more balanced relationship from the beginning.  By bending and contorting myself to make the world work for her, I prevented her from learning.  I shielded her from some pain but I prevented her from becoming more resilient and less vulnerable.

By protecting her from her vulnerabilities, might you be perpetuating them?

This is tough stuff.  It is counterintuitive and totally agonizing to think that allowing someone to be in pain may be better for them in the long run.  Often, though, they are more robust than we think they are, though there may be quite a bit of drama aimed at getting us to ease their discomfort.

WW

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Robbland]

Robbland, I totally get where you are coming from.  So many of my actions have been driven by my desire to protect my wife's vulnerable inner child.  I have in fact given 30 of my 50 years to that endeavor.  I found out very late in the game that sacrificing myself didn't work out so well.  I lost myself, and she got worse.  I was afraid to leave her alone and vulnerable.  I didn't discover BPD until six years ago, and didn't connect with this site and start learning the tools until a year ago.  If I had it to do over, I'd push for a more balanced relationship from the beginning.  By bending and contorting myself to make the world work for her, I prevented her from learning.  I shielded her from some pain but I prevented her from becoming more resilient and less vulnerable.

By protecting her from her vulnerabilities, might you be perpetuating them?

This is tough stuff.  It is counterintuitive and totally agonizing to think that allowing someone to be in pain may be better for them in the long run.  Often, though, they are more robust than we think they are, though there may be quite a bit of drama aimed at getting us to ease their discomfort.

WW

I can see its possible that I am perpetuating her vulnerabilities, but I also feel like, maybe if someone just stands by her through thick and thin, she will learn that life isnt as she views it always, with people just coming and going.
All through her life people have abandoned her when things have been tough, and for me that is a cycle that perpetuates - yes its often cause and effect - her actions contribute to the breakup, but sometimes standing by someone through the tough times can actually do as much good as letting them see how bad life is if they just do as they please?

Its an emotional roller coaster - she said to me, quite matter of fact that she hasnt decided yet if she is going to move back in with me! As if I get no say in the matter at all! But make no mistakes this pregnancy has hit her like a ton of bricks - and she knows she has royally messed things up in so many areas of her life.

Thanks for the discussion and thought provoking comments.

[Radcliff]

I can see its possible that I am perpetuating her vulnerabilities, but I also feel like, maybe if someone just stands by her through thick and thin, she will learn that life isnt as she views it always, with people just coming and going.
All through her life people have abandoned her when things have been tough, and for me that is a cycle that perpetuates - yes its often cause and effect - her actions contribute to the breakup, but sometimes standing by someone through the tough times can actually do as much good as letting them see how bad life is if they just do as they please?

Robbland, your logic is very familiar to me.  That's exactly what I was thinking.  It is noble.  It may or may not work.  What you are saying and what I'm saying are not incompatible.  If you want to stay involved with her, two things are critical:

1.  You are responsible to yourself for having a good life -- Time passes quickly.  Imagine yourself in 10 years, and in 20 years.  What do you want out of life?  Are you heading towards it?  If you choose to maintain a relationship with her, an important key to staying healthy and happy yourself is setting boundaries.  Have we talked about boundaries yet?

2.  Your support for her must be effective -- Propping her up and shielding her from the consequences of her actions is not going to help her in the long run.  Letting her treat you however she likes, not meeting your needs or seeing you as a partner is not really helping her.

It is absolutely possible to stick by someone with BPD.  That is what this board is about!  But doing it without boundaries, without being mindful of our own needs and happiness, is not sustainable in the long run, and not helpful for us or our pwBPD.

Thinking about these things, are there any changes you might make in your approach?  Do you have a solid idea of what kind of relationship you want with her?  Friends?  Lovers?  Let me follow that line of thought, and ask you, separate from your desire to not abandon her, what do you want in the relationship?  What are your needs?

WW