My ex-wife's mental state is erratic and getting worse—I'm seeking fully custody

[Anamika]

Hi,
My ex-wife exhibits traits of BPD.  She is not diagnosed but has all the signs according to my counselor and the girls counselor I believe sees it also.  I truly believe this is why our marriage failed an we got a divorce.  We are now in court and I am seeking full custody of our kids (F15,17).  Her mental state seems to be erratic and getting worse.  I am very concerned now with what she has said to the kids.  On Saturday she told the kids that "she wanted to die and she was ready to die and go to heaven".  They didn't know what to do so they left her house.  My youngest text her later and asked if she was ok and she responded that she was sad and feeling very low.  I'm not sure what to do or who to tell.  Her behavior on Sunday was erratic and she seemed very agitated and had a lot of anxiety.  She ate lunch with the kids and I but didn't say much really. Monday was not much better either. She has a counselor but I don't know if I can speak to him, email, or call the office or not.  Any help is appreciated.    

[starkdragon76]

  Anamika
It sounds as though your family is in a crisis stage indeed. I feel you should reach out to her counselor with your concerns as that could be the only person that could help her in all of this, or possibly her family. Will she feel mad at you? Probably as she may feel you are only doing it to bolster your chances of obtaining full custody. Still, she is the mother of your children and without her being healthy, it's very difficult to co-parent so you are right in your concern and are definitely in a tough spot. If you aren't comfortable with reaching out to the counselor, then tell one of her family members she's close with your concerns and what you witness of her behaviors. That way, you are doing your part to ensure the best for all involved.

[Panda39]

When my SO's uBPDxw made suicide threats he called the Police.  He was not a Professional equipped to handle her threats so he called the Police and got Professionals involved. He took the threats seriously. 

It might be hard for your daughters to make that kind of call but if they come home again with a repeat of what they just experienced you should call and request the Police do a wellness check.

I also agree that reaching out to her Therapist is a good idea so the Therapist is aware of what is going on.

Sadly, if you can document this behavior it might also be helpful with your custody case.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi Anamika,

I'm so sorry you're going through this

What did you say to the girls when they told you about their mom? My heart goes out to you. I know how heartbreaking it is to see our kids try to make sense of something so confusing as BPD thoughts and behaviors, and suicidal ideation must be enormously difficult.  

I'm glad you have a counselor. You can also call a suicide hotline and ask them how best to handle things.

I felt a lot of relief reading Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. I can't remember which one has a section on how to support a BPD sufferer's suicidal ideation. The gist, if I remember correctly, is to let the BPD person know that you take seriously her suffering, and that you will call 911 to help make sure they stay safe. My SO's BPD D20 opened up to me about her suicidal ideation and the phrases suggested in the book helped give me peace of mind about how to respond, validating her feelings while putting some boundaries around any kind of violence, in this case directed toward herself.

It's not easy, this stuff  

I'm glad you felt willing to share what you're going through.

LnL

[Anamika]

stakdragon76
No I cannot contact any of her family.  But you have to understand who they are.  Sister diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Father is major OCD and conditional love. Mom is ok really, I like her but she get overshadowed by the others.  I can not be the one to approach my ex.  It will only be met with hostility. 

livednlearned
I did what I always do.  I listen to their concerns and then we talk about the situation and what we can do to support her.  They were just scared and freaked out as they put it.  I reached out to my ex with no replies but I didn't expect a reply.  I am the one who is the problem in her mind.  It's amazing how we can be in the same room and watch the same event and she will twist it to it is my fault.  I can never be a "good" person in her mind.  She has moments of clarity where I can talk to her but then she swings back to being very hostile.  It's very draining to try to figure out which person she will be or direction she will come from.  It's a field of landmines. 

Here is what I have done.  I documented all the events and screen shot the text messages to the kids and their journals. I then sent this to the kids counselor and my attorney directly asking for help and direction.  Waiting for a reply for either.  I know my attorney has received it because they called me to tell me they are working on it. 

[DaughterofBPDmum]

  Anamika,

From what your girls have told you, do you think she is really depressed or is it just manipulation?

Is it something she says when the girls are about visiting you or going somewhere else she might not fancy?

I am so sorry for the girls, I know what it feels like since I was their age, my mom never harmed herself, never even tried, but the threatening takes away your peace. In my early 20s, I would still choose to believe the threats, and stay until she calmed down, it was very hard.
 I hope you get full custody and she receives treatment, if she exhibits BPD traits, it would be wiser and healthier if they spend their teenage years with you. I think you did great documenting all the events and screenshotting the text messages,

Best wishes,

DaughterofBPDmum

[starkdragon76]

stakdragon76
No I cannot contact any of her family.  But you have to understand who they are.  Sister diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Father is major OCD and conditional love. Mom is ok really, I like her but she get overshadowed by the others.  I can not be the one to approach my ex.  It will only be met with hostility. 

livednlearned
I did what I always do.  I listen to their concerns and then we talk about the situation and what we can do to support her.  They were just scared and freaked out as they put it.  I reached out to my ex with no replies but I didn't expect a reply.  I am the one who is the problem in her mind.  It's amazing how we can be in the same room and watch the same event and she will twist it to it is my fault.  I can never be a "good" person in her mind.  She has moments of clarity where I can talk to her but then she swings back to being very hostile.  It's very draining to try to figure out which person she will be or direction she will come from.  It's a field of landmines. 

Here is what I have done.  I documented all the events and screen shot the text messages to the kids and their journals. I then sent this to the kids counselor and my attorney directly asking for help and direction.  Waiting for a reply for either.  I know my attorney has received it because they called me to tell me they are working on it. 

Anamika-I can definitely tell you care so much. if more parents should be as caring and thoughtful as you, I don't think there would be so many messed up adults walking around in this world.    For what I can see, you are doing all you can do on your end. Unfortunately, humans have this innate ability to completely self destruct when going through depression or extremely stressful situations. I feel for your situation and understand your very real concern. I'm so sorry that I can't offer better ideas to help find a decent resolution so all can leave the table feeling as though they're ready to work together and move forward. Please do continue to keep us informed of things and know that you have friends here.

[ForeverDad]

From what your girls have told you, do you think she is really depressed or is it just manipulation?

Excellent question.  While you may have your own thoughts based on the lengthy history of your relationship, the professionals won't expect you to be the expert.  Even if you were a qualified mental health doctor, they would as emotionally neutral (no skin in the game) trained professionals need to form their own observations and conclusions.  However, many who moan of suicidal thoughts will later Deny those statements when the spotlight is turned on them.  So it is wise to have confirmation of what she said such as multiple witnesses, a recording, etc so it won't be easy to deny it later.  Generally these claims are made in private so some have quietly made a call and let the person on the other end listen to the threats of self harm.

[Anamika]

From what your girls have told you, do you think she is really depressed or is it just manipulation?

Here is my thought on this.  It is a cry for help.  If not a cry for help then it is just attention seeking.  If not attention seeking then it is emotional manipulation of the kids which is very concerning.  I went with a cry for help and did what I could to get her help. 

Is it something she says when the girls are about visiting you or going somewhere else she might not fancy?

The girls have lost all trust in her to be a parent with their best interests in mind.  We have 50/50 visitation but the girls have been with me for 2+ years and only visit mom for 20 minutes here or there.