Do the cycles get shorter?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We've been together 8 months. In the last month, he's probably broken up with me three times, always over something that leaves me shocked at his interpretation of events. Tonight, it was a phone call I received while we were video chatting. He asked who was calling me and I said it was just a business and I had dismissed the call. He demanded proof that it wasn't a man and started calling me a liar. I stayed calm and showed him a print screen and told him to call the number if he wanted. I tried to validate his feeling by acknowledging that must be scary to worry about who's calling me, but the accusations continued. I tried to set a limit because his words were getting nastier and more cutting and I told him that I wouldn't continue to have the conversation with him if all he was going to do was accuse me.  He demanded to see my phone log and when I showed him, of course he said I deleted all the things I didn't want him to see (of course I hadn't).

I love this man and am acutely aware that it's fear and pain talking when he says these things. Mostly I am able to stay calm, but these shorter cycles of white/black are taking a toll on me. I don't know if I can stay in a relationship when a simple telemarketing call sets off a night of drama and being called a "disgusting liar and cheat" when this morning and afternoon I was "the most wonderful woman in the world".

Is it typical as a relationship progresses, if serious work isn't being done on the part of the partner with BPD, that the time between episodes becomes shorter?

[luna001]

We've been together 8 months. In the last month, he's probably broken up with me three times, always over something that leaves me shocked at his interpretation of events. Tonight, it was a phone call I received while we were video chatting. He asked who was calling me and I said it was just a business and I had dismissed the call. He demanded proof that it wasn't a man and started calling me a liar. I stayed calm and showed him a print screen and told him to call the number if he wanted. I tried to validate his feeling by acknowledging that must be scary to worry about who's calling me, but the accusations continued. I tried to set a limit because his words were getting nastier and more cutting and I told him that I wouldn't continue to have the conversation with him if all he was going to do was accuse me.  He demanded to see my phone log and when I showed him, of course he said I deleted all the things I didn't want him to see (of course I hadn't).

I love this man and am acutely aware that it's fear and pain talking when he says these things. Mostly I am able to stay calm, but these shorter cycles of white/black are taking a toll on me. I don't know if I can stay in a relationship when a simple telemarketing call sets off a night of drama and being called a "disgusting liar and cheat" when this morning and afternoon I was "the most wonderful woman in the world".

Is it typical as a relationship progresses, if serious work isn't being done on the part of the partner with BPD, that the time between episodes becomes shorter?

[PeteWitsend]

I don't know if the cycles get shorter.

I do know that with BPD there is often a "honeymoon period" of extreme good times in the beginning that eventually ends and never returns.  it varies in length. this is when they get attached to you, and vice versa.  it's kind of like a trap.

I never really had that, although it was mostly good in the beginning.  but the red flags were ALWAYS there.

Regarding timing:  I did try tracking the bad days or fights we'd have for a while, and couldn't see any pattern (other than a spike near her monthly... .you know).   in my own experience the bad episodes depended mostly on external stimuli, and therefore were random, but usually things that triggered her jealousy or fear of abandonment.  

For example Did an attractive woman walk by who I happened to glance at?  :)id my mom call my wife and say something my wife didnt like?  did my mom not call soon enough on her birthday (timezones be damned)?  did she see a post on facebook from a husband saying how much he loves his wife, and decide at that moment I didn't express enough affection toward her publicly?  :)id she ask a question and not get the precise response she wanted?  :)id she think I was taking too much time to mow the lawn?  :)id I get a bunch of text messages from some friends about a football game, reminding her she is not the sole person on the planet I interact with?

All these things could happen anytime, therefore the bad episodes can happen anytime.  

[formflier]

"proving" things is likely invalidating him.  Not a good idea. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating


If proof is bad, what is likely a better approach?

FF

[Red5]

Good morning luna001, reading down through the posts, and hope all is well this morning,

I can certainly relate,

At the moment, which could/can change at the preverbal drop of a hat... .my sig other pw/(u)BPD and I, we are in what I refer to as an "up-cycle"... .everything seems fine, she is sweet, nice, and we are talking to one another, all seems normal… but you see, we have just finished "recycling", after yet another BPD event, brought about by what I refer to as a "down- cycle"... .in which she came off her rail over something due to being in a down-cycle, ie' what I refer to as a "blow-out", an event.

Her mood/moods, ie' entering the down-cycle, makes her very susceptible to said blow-outs... .which I understand to be what is called dysregulation, being unable to process her feelings appropriately, thus she comes unglued, what I call slipping her rail... .all very interesting? 

It has been about ten days since the last big blowout, which was brought on by her entering a down-cycle due to impending events which she could not deal with, control, or else process effectively... .for lack of a better word/words she subsequently slipped her rail, and several events occurred, blow-outs; resultant.

This last event lasted for about three point five days, and was in conjunction with the previous two events which all occurred within about an eleven day period of time.

Then out of the clear blue, she just decided on the morning of day point five (.5), that we should just "make up"... .please take note that such a direct approach as that never works for me, but I guess it was my choice, so she cornered me, and little love bombing for good measure, she put me on the spot, so I relented, with a stern look, that melted into my best boyish grin, and to quote our great friend and confidant formflier, ."poof" !… just like that, I was instantly white again.

So, we have been on "good terms" since this past weekend, the cycle usually lasts about eleven (11) days, or the longest this year was twenty-eight (28) days... .yes, over this past year, I have begun keeping metrics of the events, as Pete speaks of in his post... .but I have to tell you, even after the recycle & make-up, it’s always tentative/tenuous... .the weather so to speak, could change in a heartbeat, and I have to always be ready to recognize, perceive, understand, analyze, process, and to act appropriately (tools), whatever that may be in response to her latest event, blow-out, brought about by slipping her rail… as I now can quite effectively recognize & perceive when a down-cycle is starting, so I know when to be on que…

Whew boy !… it is exhausting !

Can you tell me (us) about some of your perceptions in regards to BPD and trait behaviors, and the tools you may have learned of, and maybe even use in order to get along with your sig other?

I see you describing tools as it were with words like validating, and setting limits.

Red5

[RandomName]

Hi luna -- for my since-dissolved relationship, yes, the cycles got shorter. When I first came upon BPD as a potential cause, the cycles would be maybe a week apart... .then it moved to days... .hours... .minutes -- all within a month's span, total. I had emotional whiplash. Others have offered more already, but I did just want to give you a simple "yes, I understand your concern, and it did happen with me." We recycled much later on, only for this pattern to start again... .it was like a downward spiral, the surface area growing ever smaller. Good luck to you.

[randomuser94]

  Depends on lots of things. I've started with break-ups every 3 days(which got reversed in minutes), then once a month(reversed in hours) and had a breathing period of almost a year. This ended up with the strongest break-ups of them all(2months and it's slowly moving towards the reverse).
  The final result is the same: you either slowly lose energy by small fights, or get destroyed by a big one that includes a 3rd male involded

[Pretty Woman]

In my situation they actually got longer. In the end we went a full 8mo without her dumping me. For the first two years it was every three months. I think the consistency of our final year is what drove her to leave. Without "chaos" our union was boring to her. I see that now.