Any Advice for Beginning Brief Focused Assessment (Limited Custody Evaluation)?

[ForeverDad]

One thought I've expressed now and then is when I consider there is risk the member may slip back into the ending relationship.  Then what would the professionals think, that they wasted their time and energy for nothing?

While on the one hand we naturally would rather the one misbehaving to receive help as well as their punishment, on the other hand he does deserve to face his consequences.  Hiding his behaviors and actions won't do that and could also reduce the court's willingness to help your sister in the future.  If they figure that before long they'll be back together again and before long another call will be made to the police, they'll see this as a revolving door case.  Why should they put much effort into fixing things for her when it's likely to just happen all over again... .and again?

Also, the judge may be interested to know how Determined you are to End the relationship.  They're used to seeing "repeat litigants" seeking court help who then are back together again before long and then right back in court again - Revolving Door Litigants.  So... .  Is it Over or is it just Over-For-Now?  I suspect you'll get more willingness to help if you can state it really, really is Over.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

"I read my wife's letter and my concern is that she is very emotionally dysregulated right now. While I cannot tell if she actually believes these false allegations, I do know she won't have any evidence because none of this ever happened. What I'm more concerned about when I read this letter is the possibility she is disassociating, or is severely emotionally dysregulated, which makes me worried for the girls. My hope is that intensive treatment with a licensed psychiatrist will get my wife the help she needs so that eventually, one day, she is well enough to be a good mom."

This is a solid response.

Doesn't get into a point by point rebuttal, but states a truth a... ."point of view". 

Maybe add "perhaps the stress of the restraining order and lack of treatment has contributed to this... ."

FF

[Radcliff]

I want to be careful about putting too much in writing.  I also want to be especially careful when working with the evaluator to not appear to be diagnosing my wife or to be a know-it-all.  I will have one, probably two interviews with the evaluator.  The points you've made in the suggested response, I think I'll put as talking points in my prep notes, then I can call audibles once I get in front of the evaluator and see how it's going.

I may write up a response just to work things through on my own, but am not going to worry about it overly much until I talk with my lawyer.  I'll post updates, though for security reasons, may lag real events by a bit, and I may not feel comfortable giving much detail until things are more settled.

RC

[Radcliff]

My first custody evaluator interview has been scheduled for Monday.  An hour and a half.  I'm glad it's on the calendar now, and am looking forward to moving ahead with everything, though I'm nervous.  I'll reread this thread several times, and prepare talking points for myself (prioritized on a "cheat sheet" that's simple enough to use as an aid in a give-and-take conversation, not just a huge bullet list).

Thank you everyone for all the feedback, advice, and encouragement!

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

Good luck, RC! I know you will feel some relief when the initial interview is over. You sound extremely prepared. Give us an update when you can.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[formflier]

RC,

What is your opening going to be like?

When she says "tell me about yourself"... ."tell me about your family... ", what is the elevator pitch.  2 min... hit the high points.  Remember to wrap it up with something about the broad direction you want to go in.

FF

[Radcliff]

RC,

What is your opening going to be like?

When she says "tell me about yourself"... ."tell me about your family... ", what is the elevator pitch.  2 min... hit the high points.  Remember to wrap it up with something about the broad direction you want to go in.

FF

formflier, awesome question!  Good timing, too, I was just typing the opening on my "cheat sheet" for the interview.  I hadn't thought to be prepared for a question as general as the two you mentioned.  I can definitely prepare a tight response for both of those, and it won't be hard to make my enthusiasm for being a dad the most prominent part of it.

This is what I currently have typed at the top of my cheat sheet:

OPENING -- I am not driving for a particular solution.  I made an excruciating decision to get a restraining order to stop the violence, control, and other abuse.  The thing that finally drove me to seek help was when BPDw actively drew D12 into the conflict and justified/denied violence to her.  I am asking for help.  I am deeply concerned about parental alienation, as well as normalization of violent and abusive behavior.

GOAL --  Create the healthiest solution for the children

That's about a 15 second opening.  Not a bad idea for me to create and practice a two minute opening, and then flex depending on how the evaluator starts off.

After the opening, I've got a bunch of talking points, but expect to be following the evaluator's lead.  Likely the talking points will end up coming out as answers to the evaluator's questions. 

Looking at your suggestion about "broad direction" I think even my shortest opening needs to have a statement from me about the fact that fatherhood to me comes before all other priorities.  I will arrange my work and the rest of my life around whatever the kids need, and view that as my highest responsibility in life.  OK, I just added this to the short opening:

PRIORITY -- Fatherhood to me comes before all other priorities.  I will arrange my work and the rest of my life around whatever the kids need, and view that as my highest calling in life.

Thoughts?  Advice?

RC

[formflier]

I would describe your marriage and family a bit first, then perhaps talk about how changes started to happen that you didn't understand, perhaps describe an incident or two where you began to realize this was something new and you had to act, perhaps after reflecting and having your wife deny things that clearly happened or you had proof of.

Perhaps say something about getting a RO as a last resort and that you wish you had acted earlier (i'm iffy on that last part).

The reason to say you wish you had acted earlier is that your real point is you were not prepared (who is?) and have been sucking up as much knowledge as possible about how to

1.  protect your daughter

2.  evaluate if wife is making progress for potential reconcile.

3  Make yourself a better person and parenting (be reflective here about how you may have unknowingly contributed or "ignored signs"

Perhaps work in the word boundaries somewhere, since your wife was denying things you had to act with what you believed you could control... thankfully the courts agreed.

I would shoot for about a minute... .perhaps under a bit.

FF

[livednlearned]

RC,

If you can, read Craig Childress's jujitsu parenting ahead of this meeting. He has really specific and helpful language, with explanations for why that language is important, when talking about parental alienation, including not using the words parental alienation.

I am deeply concerned about parental alienation

Your job is to keep D12 safe, and you could no longer do that with the escalating violence in the home. Not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

Read jujitsu parenting.

Childress is the leading expert in the nation. He understands the intersection of the "normal range parent", the custody evaluation/courts, and BPD parents better than anyone else.

www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

[Radcliff]

formflier, I'm pretty well aligned with you, so your feedback is helpful to make some final tweaks.  Changes I've made since we last talked are pretty well in line with what you've said.  Thanks for helping me to refine things!

livednlearned, thanks for the very candid encouragement to read Jujitsu Parenting.  I am printing it now, and have some down time tomorrow when I can read and absorb it.  Thanks for explicitly calling out that I shouldn't use "parental alienation."  I would have walked right into that trap.  It's about time for me to read this stuff.  I'm starting to understand that I need to adjust from the hopes that my wife's distortions will get better and that the powers that be can protect us from her distorted thinking.  I'll be dealing with this long after the lawyers and evaluators have faded away, so it's time for me to transition to long-term skill building.

RC

[Radcliff]

1.  protect your daughter

2.  evaluate if wife is making progress for potential reconcile.

3  Make yourself a better person and parenting (be reflective here about how you may have unknowingly contributed or "ignored signs"

formflier, thanks, I'm scanning my cheat sheet and making sure I've incorporated all the bits from this thread that I can, and just added the above three items.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi RC,

I hope everything went well yesterday. Just sending hugs and support!  

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Thanks, Redeemed!

Yesterday went fine, and more meetings today that also seemed to go fine.  Various things will be going on over the next few weeks.  It will be about three weeks before everything is done.  I'm going to concentrate on all the other things I have to do in the meanwhile, though I will be fairly apprehensive until it's over.  And when it's over, it won't really be over!  We will be adjusting to changes, or reacting to people's reactions if it stays the same.

Thank you everyone for all of the support and advice, it made a huge difference!  I went in with five pages of notes, folded over to keep the focus on the evaluator.  I never unfolded them.  I did the intro from memory, and her questions hit most of the stuff I had.  There's enough left over that I'll try to meet with her again, making sure I've covered all of my concerns that are pertinent (just listening to her questions I was able to better understand her focus and eliminate questions and talking points that were not relevant).

RC

[formflier]

Solid work!

How would you describe her focus?  Are you surprised at the focus?

FF

[Radcliff]

Solid work!

How would you describe her focus?  Are you surprised at the focus?

FF

No surprises, really.  She is focused on the near term, and on D12.  For D12 goals I was thinking the next few years, and she pulled me in to the next few months.

RC