Emotional abuse by BPD father to children

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Moving out with one suitcase and staying away three years didnt work. He didnt change. Words, spoken, email, letters had no effect. He didnt answer, or if he did it was ranting.

Cmjo,

Why are you waiting for him to change?  He clearly has not changed... .ever. Why expect him to change now?

The person who can change this situation is you.

I was married to an alcohol for 20 years, I waited for him to change, to deal with his drinking.  He did nothing, I did nothing and guess what nothing changed.  My son was being raised in a lousy environment with an alcoholic dad and depressed co-dependent mother.

I finally left and reclaimed my life and my happiness, my son had a happy mother and a more stable household.  My ex hit rock bottom, he lost his wife, his house, time with his son had his 3rd DUI, lost his license, his retirement (to pay for attorneys), went to work smelling like alcohol and lost his job.  He finally got the message and has been sober more than 5 years now. 

Because I chose to leave my marriage all of those things happened.  All hard and ultimately positive for everyone. My choosing to change and do something different was the catalyst for change. Leaving a marriage/relationship is hard, it can be sad, but it doesn't necessarily have to be bad.

Your daughter talking with the counselor and knowing the counselor would talk with you sounds to me like she is screaming at you to help her.  I know you feel like outside help is not an option, but I suggest talking to the counselor they may know more about how the system works and could maybe provide you with some resources.  Ask the counselor for information that might help in your situation.

Panda39

[Panda39]

Moving out with one suitcase and staying away three years didnt work. He didnt change. Words, spoken, email, letters had no effect. He didnt answer, or if he did it was ranting.

Cmjo,

Why are you waiting for him to change?  He clearly has not changed... .ever. Why expect him to change now?

The person who can change this situation is you.

I was married to an alcohol for 20 years, I waited for him to change, to deal with his drinking.  He did nothing, I did nothing and guess what nothing changed.  My son was being raised in a lousy environment with an alcoholic dad and depressed co-dependent mother.

I finally left and reclaimed my life and my happiness, my son had a happy mother and a more stable household.  My ex hit rock bottom, he lost his wife, his house, time with his son had his 3rd DUI, lost his license, his retirement (to pay for attorneys), went to work smelling like alcohol and lost his job.  He finally got the message and has been sober more than 5 years now. 

Because I chose to leave my marriage all of those things happened.  All hard and ultimately positive for everyone. My choosing to change and do something different was the catalyst for change. Leaving a marriage/relationship is hard, it can be sad, but it doesn't necessarily have to be bad.

Your daughter talking with the counselor and knowing the counselor would talk with you sounds to me like she is screaming at you to help her.  I know you feel like outside help is not an option, but I suggest talking to the counselor they may know more about how the system works and could maybe provide you with some resources.  Ask the counselor for information that might help in your situation.

Panda39

[formflier]

Moving out with one suitcase and staying away three years didnt work. He didnt change. Words, spoken, email, letters had no effect. He didnt answer, or if he did it was ranting.

Didn't work to do what?    What was the goal of moving out with a suitcase for three years?

What would "working" have looked like?

FF

[formflier]

  After one incident last July I wrote to him the next days and said I cant stand the conflict and I want him to move out. Ignored me.
 

Find some time to think and be reflective about "what works" with your husband.

Are there situations and times when your words work? 

Are there situations and times when your words don't work?

Can you quantify the difference.  50/50   80/20... .that type of thing.  I'm looking to get a flavor of how you see and remember the effect of your words.

Hang in there!   

FF

[Cmjo]

I knew when I moved out that he wouldnt or couldnt change. I left because he had crossed the line with my daughter then by giving her the silent treatment, I was shocked, at the same time I was discovering on the internet what borderline disorder meant and on this forum I saw examples of the horrific effect it has on families. So I realised, and though the next morning after an episode he was suddenly pretending nothing happened and making me breakfast, I told myself I was determined to to take the steps I needed.

I hoped he would get help and he did start, and had the formal diagnosis of BPD. But going to occasional meetings with therapists then giving it up wasnt enough for him. I read here about people working on the disorder and getting better, and wanted him to be one of them.

I knew when I moved back it was a big risk, I knew really very little had changed. He did seem much calmer and avoiding getting involved in stuff that triggered him before, like any conversation with his children about school.

But really I moved back because Im co-dependent. Was too scared to move on with my life. Was financially strapped. Wanted kids to spend their teenage years in the house they had grown up with with their mum there every day. Wanted them to have what every one sees as "normal".

Its been a week now since I told him. hes a ghost presence, has been out most of the time we have hardly seen him.

Meanwhile Ive told lots of people that Ive made a decision, that I cannot be in a relationship with him, we are separated, I have asked him to move out. I told my therapist. Im going to write him a letter repeating what I want. I know he wont accept it but I will have to repeat saying this for a few months and not give him any wishy washy signs that I might rethink.

I told my daughter that Im clear and there will be no more arguments i the house about when Im going to start sharing a room again with him as its over. I want her to have a calm atmosphere for her to grow up in. She is going to see her mum get on with her life and one day maybe find a stable healthy relationship with another man.

So thats all clear... .what I do expect though is that BPDh does continue to make life difficult for the kids, putting emotional pressure on them. So what Im not clear about is doing what I then need to do following through and getting the courts to make him leave. On that score I am totally alone, my family and his family all think I have no right as its his house. They dont understand the impact of the emotional abuse... .He would 100% have the sympathy vote... .

[Panda39]

So what Im not clear about is doing what I then need to do following through and getting the courts to make him leave. On that score I am totally alone, my family and his family all think I have no right as its his house.

Hi Cmjo,

Post this question on the Legal Board I'm sure you will get some ideas over there... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Also you might want to consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

Panda39

[formflier]

CMJO,

I have a concern that doesn't seem to be getting across, perhaps it is the language barrier.   So, I'll be frank.

Doing things to "control" another person or "change" them is not a good idea.

Doing things to enforce your own values and/or protect your children is a good idea.

So... thinking that goes like this "I'm going to leave, my husband will miss us and get serious about therapy... "  BAAAAAAAD!

Thinking that goes like this "This home is emotionally abusive for me and my children, I will act to remove them from an abusive situation."  Very good.

I get the feeling that you left so that your husband would change... .  Am I accurate?

FF

[Cmjo]

Hello Formflier, I do agree with your concern... .but no it is not accurate to say I left hoping he would get help. I left to get my children away from the abusive situation. After I left of course I did hope that, as therapy could possibly help him to be a better dad, but I thought there was a tiny chance if any it would help him stop being abusive.

The problem is Jekyll and Hyde, abusive one day fantastic the next. But even on the fantastic days he was unable to communicate, he would be nice like cooking, presents, outings man about the house helpful etc. By keeping busy he avoids talking. So nothing gets resolved.

I came back thinking either the abuse was not as bad as I remember... .or that he wouldnt be abusive the children or me again, he would just STOP... .or maybe I just knew neither were true but all the other advantages of being back meant I was just fooling myself or ignoring it.

Whats the language barrier, arent we both mother tongue English speakers. I do find your questions hard to answer but I thought it was me!

[formflier]

  I left to get my children away from the abusive situation. 

Ok... refresh my memory.  I thought you had said that leaving didn't work last time.  Perhaps I'm mistaken.

Did leaving work or not?

FF

[Harri]

   

Im going to write him a letter repeating what I want. I know he wont accept it but I will have to repeat saying this for a few months and not give him any wishy washy signs that I might rethink.

By repeating this over several months and not acting on your words, you are in essence being wishy washy.  It sounds like you do not want to leave the house and while I understand that, I am not sure why.  I do not advocate leaving suddenly and certainly not with one suitcase but I do think something needs to be done here.  Your kids are being abused and are showing some pretty big signs that they have already been affected deeply.

Plan ahead.  Save money, find a place to stay, pak things you need and want.

Are school counselors/teachers mandatory reporters in your country?  I ask because if the counselor reports that she informed you and nothing happened to protect the kids at your end, the kids could be taken away from the both of you (that is the way it works here in the US from what I understand).  I don't say that to scare you and I do not want to further stress you out but I think you need to know this.  Call a lawyer, call the counselor and set up a meeting if you can.  You daughter is crying out for help.  Quite loudly. 

Best of luck to you and yours

[Radcliff]

Hello Cmjo,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

WW

[Cmjo]

Yes its been a while... .all calm here thank you.

I am focused on the fact of having told him the relationship between him and me is over, and he has let me be, respects my privacy living in the basement, and for several weeks there have been no incidents. I concentrate on running my business, taking care of the kids, try to see friends and get out and keep positive.

There was one day about two weeks ago he said OK, I will move out and you can stay here till kids are grown up and self-sufficient. What a liberating moment!

But the next day he asked me if I want to go out for a pizza with him, started being clingy, wanted to always be in the same room. I said what about you yesterday saying you would move out... .

He said I dont want to, I love you and want to keep the family together. i want us to grow old together hand in hand... .

I said that is hard to hear after all I have said that I want to end our relationship, I cannot go on any more, can you listen to hiw I feel? Unless we both want that its not possible.

And since then he has pulled out all the stops, cooking, cleaning, available to pick up kids, polite, respectful, calm, even mature at times. Wants to plan a picnic for the bank holiday. No I cant do that, its weird. The kids dont want it either.

But it is boundary busting. I have to keep kind and firm. Worried that sooner or later he will flip... .

I cant move out. i cannot afford to pay rent, last time I got into heavy debt. But I do have a rental property in the country I am waiting to be ready to let... .if that goes well it could give me enough to leave.

[formflier]

But it is boundary busting. I have to keep kind and firm. Worried that sooner or later he will flip... .
 

I'm glad things seem calmer...

Can you describe the boundaries that are being busted?

FF

[Radcliff]

Cmjo,

Good to hear from you.  I'm glad things have been calm. 

We are always more successful trying to control the things we can control, and not trying to control the things we can't.  Getting your flat in the country ready to rent, that sounds like something you can control.  Getting him to move out does not appear to be, though I understand his reversal on this is frustrating.  I'm glad you've got a path to work on things you can control!

In this calm time, when he is feeling positive, is he able to make healthy connections with the kids?

WW

[Lucky Jim]

We are always more successful trying to control the things we can control, and not trying to control the things we can't. 

That's for sure,

Wentworth

.  I have a saying: "Put your energy where your power is," i.e., in the things one can control.

LJ