I got yelled at for throwing away a bottle

[Sunnyside62]

So yesterday I got yelled at by my husband because I threw away a Poland Spring bottle apparently he wanted to keep it but never told me this information I guess I'm supposed to read his mind then later on that day he sent me a text that I didn't see because I was driving on the highway and when I went to answer him he had shut his phone off so I couldn't respond... then he came home and accused me of lying and that I supposedly did see his text and was just pretending that I didn't and the rest of the night he was a complete jerk ... .does anyone else go through this kind of thing?

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[engineer]

OH yeah... .I definitely recognize that behavior.

I got yelled at for three hours for saying "Aha!" when I opened a piece of mail that we had been expecting for a while (she said she was already having a panic attack when I said "aha" and it scared her, but she had given no indication before I spoke that anything was wrong).  And, if my wife texts me while I am on the road I will get yelled at if I answer because I am texting and driving, but if I ever don't answer within one minute of her texting me I will end up sleeping in a hotel for the night.

I dunno.  I think my brain tries to make everything logical, and this stuff just... .isn't.

This morning I was talking to my wife about the extinction of the dinosaurs.  She said she was sure human beings had something to do with it.  I said it was 65 million years ago and there were no human beings then.  She said, yes she knows it was 65 million years ago and she believes that is the correct time in our perception but that it in fact was not that long ago because time is a human invention and so before the existence of humans time would not move that way and so very probably human beings were there.  (aside: I have heard that string of "logic" before, almost word-for-word, from someone my wife has never met... .so... .that's a little spooky).

I have been trying to put together a logical system that matches her thought process.  I'm getting there, but the bottom line is that her logic is... .different... .from mine.

So I try to accept that.  When I try to force her into my logical system -- even when I am 100% sure that my logical system is *correct* -- I am going to get frustrated.  So, instead I try to understand how she thinks, and I try to accept when what she says and does are fully illogical.

Heh, so... .I can do that when I'm completely calm and nobody is yelling at me, but it is somewhat more difficult when she is telling me in no uncertain terms that I am insane and need mental help NOW because I opened the kitchen drawer to get a battery.

[Tattered Heart]

It can be so frustrating and infuriating when this happens. My H will sometimes do this too. Situations like this are perfect opportunities to practice validation . You know that what they are accusing you of just does not make sense, but the more you try to convince him or her otherwise the further it makes things worse so explaining yourself is unnecessary. Resist the temptation to do so. Don't apologize if you've done nothing wrong (such as throwing away trash or not answering because you were busy).

Instead, try validating what he is saying. This doesn't mean you have to agree with what he is accusing you of. Instead, it acknowledges that you see his hurt, rejection, frustration, etc. or whatever it is that he is feeling (not necessarily what happened).

Would you try to practice some things you could say or ask to validate here?

Scenario 1: If your H threw away something you wanted to keep, how would you feel about it? Validate the feeling, not the reality.

Scenario 2: if your H wasn't answering your texts when you wanted him to, how would you feel about it? Validate the feeling, not the reality.

[engineer]

Scenario 1: If your H threw away something you wanted to keep, how would you feel about it? Validate the feeling, not the reality.

Scenario 2: if your H wasn't answering your texts when you wanted him to, how would you feel about it? Validate the feeling, not the reality.

Fantastically said, thank you.  That is exactly the issue I have with all of validation, and I think you may have just given me the key I need to understand it.  I *always* try to validate reality because it's... .reality.  I find the bit of what she is saying that is real and I hang on to it, and she always tells me that it's "BS".  I have always run my own life by the rule that reality is reality and feelings are irrelevant... .and it's exactly the opposite with her.  Feelings ARE her reality.  That mode of living is just SO far outside my experience that I didn't see it.  Heck... .if anybody at work functioned that way they'd last about half an hour before the door hit them in the butt, so yeah, I guess my experience has been filtered a bit

[isilme]

Regarding the missed text messages:

Work on habits yourself for checking your phone at times that work for you - make this known.  I don't check while driving and can miss things since my phone is often stuck away from my body in a purse, so I make sure I check my phone/messenger at times like when I park the car, or reach a destination, to see if I need t respond to anything.  I make it known I will not respond or check while driving unless I can safely pull over.  I even turn on the Do Not Disturb I am driving message at times.  

Some of our biggest meltdowns have resulted from the simple fact I am not a 13-year-old girl with my phone, and often have it on silent since I am at work all day.  Add to this my building has terrible WiFi and metal vaults that block 4G signals, I can easily miss texts.  

I've gotten the whole "you're ignoring me on purpose (abandoning me) and are not responding to hurt me" argument.  Its emotional, not logical, so logic makes no impact on the hurt.  Validate the feelings of hurt, but don't own those feelings as your own or something you did on purpose.

Also, knowing what I do about deadzones at work, I let H know when I will be in meetings.  It's partly to just be polite since we coordinate when to go to lunch as we carpool, but also, if I tell him "I'm gonna be in the crappy conference room for about an hour or two, in case you try to reach me" it seems to help him not assume I am avoiding him.

Throwing things out:
Yes - H gets very attached to things, and since he seems to be confused about what goes in the trash and what should stay on the counter, it can be hard to tell - we save a lot of odd things as artists and so it can be hard to see what he might be saving something for.  BUT, with his mom being a hoarder, sometimes it's just an inability to be the one to toss things kicking in.  I now (usually) just take everything to him to ask if I can throw it out, from a stale honeybun in the fridge to a pickle jar left out on the counter.  It takes very little of my time, and he often is sheepish now when I ask to verify if ti's trash, agreeing it can be tossed, or telling me wants to keep it.  I still get in hot water time to time when he wants to hold on to something and I did not know, thinking it was yucky (a mildew covered toy he liked to keep in the bathroom no amount of bleach and scrubbing could fix) and have tossed it.  The same stress-related need to hang on to things that makes his mom a hoarder kicks in for him.  He corrected me lately about a broken, torn up laundry bag that was beyond repair.  I said, "so this is not Goodwill, it's trash, right?" and he got moderately offended on its behalf, correcting me that it was not trash but that we could not fix it.

All in all, ittel changes to our behaviors and what we say to validate their feelings about things can help them not be triggered that we are ignoring (abandoning) them.

Dinosaurs... . get her a subscription to Coast 2 Coast AM and let her learn more fun theories :P  Seriously, H will sometimes get engrossed in something like the Flat Earth stuff, and while I can agree some of the concepts are a mystery and fun enough to listen to, I don't feel I have to validate it by sharing the same feelings about it.  He can have his feelings, I can have mine.  I can listen without much of a need to "correct".  Regarding the idea that time is a made up concept - I've heard this from people trying to sound smart in philosophical circles.  Sure, the minute and second and hour did not exist before people invented the names measurements for them, but that does not mean time as a thing did not exist.  It just means the words did not exist till Man created them.  That's like saying the moon only started moving around the Earth when people were here to observe it (some philosophers would challenge me to prove that's not true, just to argue a case, not because they believe it).  It's a thought experiment, and concept for discussion.  

[Tattered Heart]

Fantastically said, thank you.  That is exactly the issue I have with all of validation, and I think you may have just given me the key I need to understand it.  I *always* try to validate reality because it's... .reality.  I find the bit of what she is saying that is real and I hang on to it, and she always tells me that it's "BS".  I have always run my own life by the rule that reality is reality and feelings are irrelevant... .and it's exactly the opposite with her.  Feelings ARE her reality.  That mode of living is just SO far outside my experience that I didn't see it.  Heck... .if anybody at work functioned that way they'd last about half an hour before the door hit them in the butt, so yeah, I guess my experience has been filtered a bit

It really is the key. I am rational to extreme at times. And it took me quite a long time to understand that feelings=reality to my H. When I am wanting to validate him, I often have to remind myself that he is a big ball of emotion. And it's worked for me. If I would feel frustrated; he is frustrated X10. If I would feel annoyed; he is annoyed X10.