Wife (separated) demanded I move out our daughter's baby stuff

[hazedandconfused]

So I'm currently separated from my BPD wife - it's been 6 months.  I still see her and our 4 yr. old everyday, even though I feel like the separation is totally unjustified... .and I've tried my best to accept and try to move forward... .but I finally had a mental/physical breakdown yesterday.

So earlier in the week I got a out-of-nowhere email that she wants me to move "my" stuff out of these two rooms in three days or she was going to "dispose of them."  I didn't think much of it and thought maybe this was just some random junk of mine.  But the day before the "deadline" - she showed me what she wanted out and I was shocked.  It wasn't even my stuff - but stuff I bought for our daughter.   Many were sentimental things like her first crib (folds up easy), her baby clothes and toys, and first play gym.  There is no pressing need to make room in the house and a rush of emotions hit me when I saw how casually she wanted to get rid of these items.  These were items that in financial value were significant and I had always hoped to use for a second kid (even though that's obviously not close to happening).

I've held a lot of my anger in these past few months trying to see he good side -so it came out and I just yelled for an explanation.  The only one she gave is she needed  the room to be easier to clean.  (It's a room that's not even used - and half the stuff was pulled out of a closet.)

After she left the room, I was so angry I punched a hole in the wall.  I never had done that before and feel bad I couldn't control the anger.

Now the ironic thing is that my wife has harbored tremendous anger at her mom for throwing her things away.  In the past, she has got angry that her mom threw away her old toys, writings and clothes.  Then just last September, right before she demanded I leave, she had just got back at a visit to her old home and was angry at her mom for throwing away all her trophies and completing taking over her old bedroom (using it as a closet for her old 1970s clothes).  So it's really crazy - or not crazy - that she is doing the same thing to her own daughter?  I want to point out this hypocrisy - because I don't think she has ever done any self reflection - but is this dangerous with a BPD person?  I don't want to hurt her, but I just want to point out the unfairness of it all.  Would anyone strongly suggest to not do this?

Also, side question, is her maneuver a legal one?  My first thought was her email was a strategy to try to claim I've abandoned the family.  I've read that if you want to maintain custodial rights after you leave a house, make sure you have some of your items there.  I have an inkling she is trying to cause me stress and trouble, because she in the past has also shared sentiment of keeping our daughter's early items.  The worse thing that could happen is she takes her anger out toward her next.

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi hazedandconfused. I'm so sorry to hear about the situation. I know all about breakdowns and putting holes in walls. People with BPD seem to know our most tender spot and how to use it to hurt us. My uBPDw has used our children to hurt me in ways I couldn't have imagined. You're anger is real and justified. Please don't feel ashamed of it.     

So it's really crazy - or not crazy - that she is doing the same thing to her own daughter?

The worse thing that could happen is she takes her anger out toward her next.

I don't know much about the legal side of things, but just asking for your gut feeling, do you think your daughter is safe with your wife, physically and / or emotionally? How did it work out that your daughter went with her in the separation, and do you have any grounds to challenge it if you feel worried about your daughter's welfare?

I ask as someone who just privately called a lawyer last week to find out how I could get custody of my kids if my wife and I ever separated... .

All the best,
~ROE

[hazedandconfused]

Hi ROE,

   Thanks for your response.  Right now I think she's physically safe with our daughter, but she's only 4 right now so that my greatest long term fear is that will change when she's older.

  Emotionally, definitely not safe.  She has raged wildly in front of our daughter several times.  Most notably in December, she yelled excessively at me because I was "late" coming back home with her on a snowy night.  (Meanwhile, she has felt bound to puncutality.)  My daughter - just 4 then too - had to pull her away from me and teach her a lesson that "friendship is better than fighting."  I wish I had recorded this and other interactions. 

  Legally, the only solid evidence I have of her rage is bruises from a night two years ago when she jumped on top of me punching me on my arm (protecting my head) causing several bruises.  That "fight" was about me not apologizing correctly.

  I actually had talked to a lawyer (free consultation) and he actually thought I didn't have a case (I didn't mention punching incident) for custody.  He said the courts rather keep the status quo - and since my wife has been a stay-at-home mom the whole time, the courts would favor her.  Plus, I think despite everything, I could not do that to her since it might be devastating to my  wife- and I wouldn't my daughter to lose her mother.

[RolandOfEld]

Plus, I think despite everything, I could not do that to her since it might be devastating to my  wife- and I wouldn't my daughter to lose her mother.

Wow, can I ever relate to that. I can fully understand wanting your daughter to have her mother, but for the mother's side, if she lost custody, wouldn't that be the natural consequences of her actions? By care-taking her in this regard, are you possibly preventing her from being forced to make some changes (e.g. treatment) that might be beneficial to their relationship in the long run?

Easy for me to say since I was getting the exact same advice on my thread last week. The members also advised me to record any physical violence to me or the kids by going to the doctor and reporting it. If you have ever considered having your daughter moved to your side in the future, it might be good to start taking record of things you see or that happen or have happened in the past.

~ROE