Just diagnosed

[Annie123]

My son is 21 and has suffered with mental health illness since he was 14 although always different from birth. At 14 he changed, we had always been incredibly close but that stopped and over the years he changed from an adorable little boy into an angry, abusive unfeeling selfish young man. I know he does still love me and I adore him but oh boy it's HARD. At 15 he was diagnosed with Aspergus and anxiety but I always thought that this was not accurate. Things have become so bad that he has had to take time out from university and stay home, consequently my husband and I  are prisoners in the bedroom not daring to come out for fear of his wroth. He agreed to have another assessment where he was given a new diagnosis of BPD. I have been in a state if shock and deep depression since. I feel cheated because he is my only child and I want to be close but it doesn't seem it's going to ever happen again. I'm also so hurt and angry that we have gone through so much for so long not knowing that there is help available which he will begin in a couple of weeks. But most of all I feel so bad because I can now see so clearly after years if pain and heartbreaking times that my husband has this too. I can't even bring myself to go into what I have had to go through over the years. I'm so angry and I feel that it's an evil illness that has almost killed me and now my son, my beautiful son will possibly do the same thing to his wife.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Annie123, welcome to this board. I'm so very sorry to hear all your pain and suffering. You have every right to express your pain, anger, hurt and fear. This is a great place to do it. As another parent let me validate you by saying I hear you, I understand the emotions. I too hate this illness! It has robbed me of my beautiful daughter. There have been times when I didn't even have the words to express the hate and pain. My poor heart felt demolished, like mental illness just ran over me and my child and left us for dead. Only another BPD parent can understand the roller coaster of emotions. By no means is it a ride any of us asked for.
     Let me be positive now, there is hope! You will find support here, empathy, options and tools. Avail yourself to everything. I have been in the pit of darkness, when I got done crying I came to the conclusion that if I stayed there I would not be able to help my child find another way to live her life. It seemed that my plan for her was not God's plan. I thank Him every day for giving her to me. He has entrusted her care to me. It's my job as the mom to help her find her way. So far since coming to this board we have had 1 month of calm. Keep sharing your story, keep coming back.

[Annie123]

Thank you for your reply it is so helpful to know that someone else knows what I am feeling. I'm so pleased that you spoke about God because a lot of my fear, anger, confusion is with God. I am a Christian but I'm struggling to understand why God does not banish this from my family. I know this sounds bad and I honestly do not mean to offend anyone but I don't know how else to say what I am struggling with. In the Bible God rid demons from people and I have prayed for this for years. I could never love my son more than I do but I feel that there is something in him that I hate and I don't want to be around.

[bluek9]

Hi Annie123, I just read your new post. My heart aches for you. I have had many occasions in my Christian walk where I was more than angry with God. It's OKAY! I have no doubt that He knows this angry comes from a lack of understanding on our part. Trust me when I say I've come to the conclusion that I'm glad I don't understand everything. I know that my way of dealing with some things would just make them worse. Sigh ... .So I fall back on what I do know, I an trust His wisdom in all things. You must believe that your son is in pain and suffering things that he cannot explain or understand himself. Daily I listen to my daughter struggle to explain her feelings or her thoughts. She always starts out with "this sounds stupid, or no matter how I try no on understands me". I let her work her way through it and then I ask her if I can share what it sounded like to me.
   We have been working our way through this all her life. There have been times of violence on her part, aggression, and the endless flow of angry vile things that come out of her mouth; directed at me. It is a wound only a mothers heart can survive. Of course that does not mean it doesn't hurt, it hurts like hell. My family history is full of mental illness, so many times I have wondered why, how, did I not fall into that. Then to think that emotional abuse, and other forms of abuse have added to my daughters illness. I felt unfit because I did not protect her. I can't tell you I like my daughter every day, some days I don't! But I will for ever love her, care for her, take care of her and make sure she can have a good life.
    Trust in yourself and what you know-your spirituality. Spend the time you need being angry, gather your strength and start learning all you can. We will never be able to change mental illness, we can change our selves and how we deal with the people we love who suffer from it. Let me know how it goes. Thanks for being his mom, he needs you.

[Annie123]

I've only just seen your reply to my post, I'm not great at finding my way around this site. Reading it made me cry, to think that you actually understand what I'm going through. I never tell anyone because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want anyone to think badly of my beautiful son. Your previous words really stuck with me, I had never thought before that God has trusted me to look after my son and I have had more peace and things had seemed to be better for a short while but now he is back in that terrible place and it's all because of me. I honestly do not know what I have done wrong but he is saying that he won't eat until I can realise what a self centred *********** I am. If I try to speak he punches things and shouts. My husband is as volatile and I honestly don't know if I can take much more. I feel like such a fake because no one would believe what goes on in my house I don't let anyone know. I have a job, do voluntary work, I have lots of friends and I'm happy and bubbly and seem to have a good life with my husband and son. No one knows my secret life of anger and abuse. Nothing will stop me from loving Jesus but I can't help the feelings of anger which you understand. He sees all this, I know about the sin of our world and free choices etc. But come on! I have honestly thought that I could just take loads of tablets and get out of it but then I know that I can't because of the pain and guilt it would cause my son and I love him so so very much. How did he turn into this uncaring monster. My heart aches. I feel such a useless failure. Thank you for your understanding it means so much x

[MomMae]

Hello Annie123,
I would like to join bluek9 in welcoming you to the board.  I am so sorry for all the heartache that you are suffering.  Everyone here unfortunately understands the kind of pain and turmoil you are feeling because we are all walking along a similar path with our children.  The individual stories differ somewhat, but the emotional pain is the same.  You are in the right place to gain not only understanding and empathy, but also learn some new skills for facilitating better communication between you and your son... .and possibly your husband.

The right hand side of this page is a great place to start perusing some of the wealth of information available on this site 
It takes a little practice and may feel unnatural at first, as it did for me with my BPD DD21, but it really can work.  Using the skills I learned here, as well as taking strength from learning I wasn't alone and sucking in all the empathy and support the wonderful people here offer, I have vastly improved my relationship with my daughter.  When I joined the forum last May, I truly didn't think it was possible to be where we are today... .

There is hope, Annie.  It takes time, it takes love (which you obviously have an abundance of), and it also takes self-care.  You must take care of yourself, too.  Your needs are important too - if you deplete yourself, you will not be able to take care of yourself, let alone help your son.  Please do something just for you, that you enjoy, and then slowly work your way through the resources on this site. 

You are not alone, Annie... .we are always right here, walking a similar path, and there is always an empathetic and non-judgmental ear ready to listen.    MomMae

[Daisy123]

Hello Annie123,
Your post moved me so! What an extremely difficult situation. I’m new here, too as my DD19 was just diagnosed in November. She also has a substance use disorder and she placed herself into rehab because her disorder became so out of control and suicide ideation was so great that my husband And I had to stay home from work to watch her. She has attempted 4 times and has gotten so violent, I am afraid to say that the police know our household very well. DD19 is my one and only, I, too share in your anger about my only one having this awful disease. I have found great comfort in learning that I am not alone because of this site. You are so right to be cautious-protecting yourself from others. I have amazing friends and there are two I can share my experiences with. Their jaws do drop- the behavior and hateful language, the violence we endure is so hard to understand. I made the mistake of sharing with a friend and got all sorts of judgements and advise that I could not agree with. That friendship has since become an acquaintanceship. I have found it so helpful to use the tools offered here,to learn as much as I can. I have found comfort and hope in reading about the other parents who so bravely carry on, redefining what life can look like when having a child who suffers from BPD.  Please know that I am thinking of you and see why you are so angry.