Accused of (falsely) domestic assault. Bad mouthed to the community.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel pretty isolated in dealing with my kids Mom.   

 I also believe I have PTSD related to our interactions and can be triggered into a panic attack, increased anxiety, and severe depression.   

I don't think people understand what it's like to walk on eggshells around someone like this, especially when you have a child with them.    Their behavior is atrocious.    I need some love and support.   

I have a soon to be 9 year old child with her and it has been a LONG, LONG 10 years.   

 I'm at my wits end.     Some days, I just want to get in my car and drive, far, far away and spend the rest of my money on enjoying my life and peace until I have to face the music of bankruptcy and whatever other natural consequence.    My 9 year old's behavior is atrocious.    Everything is a battle and everything is an argument, just like with her Mom.    The icing on the cake for me was today, this morning.    It's been a stressful couple of weeks due to her Mom's stressful last minute need to do some home project.    Anyhow, I'm walking my kid to school and she tells me she's upset at another child. Ok. What happened?    My child begins to tell me that she asked her friend to stop drawing or doodling.    Since the other girl did not listen, my child uses her hands to make the other kid stop doing something.    My kid gets in trouble.    From my perspective, my child was in the wrong. She used her hands to stop someone from doing something. I agree with the teacher.    As I'm walking to school this morning, the other kid is waving and happy to see my child.    My child puts her head down and avoids her because she is "still" mad about yesterday.    I go, come on, let's go by her (she has met this kid every morning for the past two years).    My kid grabs something out of my hand and screams no in a whiny voice. I look at my kid and give her what she wanted and walk away.    I tell my kids Mom what happened and my kids Mom supports this behavior.   

In fact this is the same passive aggressive behavior she puts me through for some alleged mistake I didn't do. Even if I disagree, I get this kind of vile treatment that increases tension and volatility.    Then I end up being triggered by this for a couple of reasons. First, my kid is clearly in the wrong, and is using her body language and emotions to punish this other child and make the other child feel bad as if they did something wrong. They didn't. This is what this kids Mom does to me.    Time and time again, I have observed my kid's same delusional behavior her Mom does. The arguing. The lack of cooperation. Not listening. Some of this is basic kid stuff, but it's just, this kid is so strong willed and anxious it's near impossible to enjoy now. My kid is a super picky eater so every meal is a battle. And I'm not even a full-time parent with my kid.     Her Mom justifies and enables HORRIBLE behavior, HORRIBLE, and it already has isolated my child from her peers and my kid is unaware of what is going on.    Anyhow, I do know the Mom for sure has BPD. She worked at a psych clinic a while ago and when we were breaking up showed me a test she had that showed she had Borderline Personality Disorder.   

I been through the ringer. Accused  of (falsely) domestic assault. Bad mouthed to the community. Drained in every possible way. She's an endless pit of misery. Constantly undermining my relationship with my kid.    She complains about how she doesn't have enough money despite my large sum of financial support. She demands I pay for extras and then if I don't treats me the same way my child treats her school friends. It's atrocious. And the courts, the courts enable it.    Anyhow, that's just me venting.    Thanks for reading if you made it this far.       

[columme]

I feel pretty isolated in dealing with my kids Mom.   

 I also believe I have PTSD related to our interactions and can be triggered into a panic attack, increased anxiety, and severe depression.   

I don't think people understand what it's like to walk on eggshells around someone like this, especially when you have a child with them.    Their behavior is atrocious.    I need some love and support.   

I have a soon to be 9 year old child with her and it has been a LONG, LONG 10 years.   

 I'm at my wits end.     Some days, I just want to get in my car and drive, far, far away and spend the rest of my money on enjoying my life and peace until I have to face the music of bankruptcy and whatever other natural consequence.    My 9 year old's behavior is atrocious.    Everything is a battle and everything is an argument, just like with her Mom.    The icing on the cake for me was today, this morning.    It's been a stressful couple of weeks due to her Mom's stressful last minute need to do some home project.    Anyhow, I'm walking my kid to school and she tells me she's upset at another child. Ok. What happened?    My child begins to tell me that she asked her friend to stop drawing or doodling.    Since the other girl did not listen, my child uses her hands to make the other kid stop doing something.    My kid gets in trouble.    From my perspective, my child was in the wrong. She used her hands to stop someone from doing something. I agree with the teacher.    As I'm walking to school this morning, the other kid is waving and happy to see my child.    My child puts her head down and avoids her because she is "still" mad about yesterday.    I go, come on, let's go by her (she has met this kid every morning for the past two years).    My kid grabs something out of my hand and screams no in a whiny voice. I look at my kid and give her what she wanted and walk away.    I tell my kids Mom what happened and my kids Mom supports this behavior.   

In fact this is the same passive aggressive behavior she puts me through for some alleged mistake I didn't do. Even if I disagree, I get this kind of vile treatment that increases tension and volatility.    Then I end up being triggered by this for a couple of reasons. First, my kid is clearly in the wrong, and is using her body language and emotions to punish this other child and make the other child feel bad as if they did something wrong. They didn't. This is what this kids Mom does to me.    Time and time again, I have observed my kid's same delusional behavior her Mom does. The arguing. The lack of cooperation. Not listening. Some of this is basic kid stuff, but it's just, this kid is so strong willed and anxious it's near impossible to enjoy now. My kid is a super picky eater so every meal is a battle. And I'm not even a full-time parent with my kid.     Her Mom justifies and enables HORRIBLE behavior, HORRIBLE, and it already has isolated my child from her peers and my kid is unaware of what is going on.    Anyhow, I do know the Mom for sure has BPD. She worked at a psych clinic a while ago and when we were breaking up showed me a test she had that showed she had Borderline Personality Disorder.   

I been through the ringer. Accused  of (falsely) domestic assault. Bad mouthed to the community. Drained in every possible way. She's an endless pit of misery. Constantly undermining my relationship with my kid.    She complains about how she doesn't have enough money despite my large sum of financial support. She demands I pay for extras and then if I don't treats me the same way my child treats her school friends. It's atrocious. And the courts, the courts enable it.    Anyhow, that's just me venting.    Thanks for reading if you made it this far.       

[ForeverDad]

We have tons of resources here, especially on how to become more skilled in communicating, handling and responding to poor behaviors.  Also, others will add their suggestions and ideas as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

From what you wrote it appears you don't have a court order regarding support?  Usually the child support ordered is less than what the ex demands.  While there are always exceptions, generally domestic court is "less unfair" than the disordered parent.

Are you still living together?  Are you married?  It's tough to juggle life with a demanding and unreasonable parent and especially in the midst of residing together.  While court is The Real Authority, odds are you won't be able to convince the child's mother that you too have Authority.

[columme]

We don't live together. Thank god. She dug her heals in pretty hard early on and it's been irreversible to get her out of my life. She feels entitled to everything. And I have pretty much handed everything over for our kid. I'm over it. Pretty much to the point where I really don't care anymore.

[livednlearned]

I feel pretty isolated in dealing with my kids Mom.

I also believe I have PTSD related to our interactions and can be triggered into a panic attack, increased anxiety, and severe depression.

Hi columne,

Welcome and hello 

PTSD and anxiety/depression make it hard to cope, I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you're feeling. I hear the sadness and grief in your post. A lot of people here know how you feel, how hard it is to move on, the fantasies about it all going away. You were abused during the relationship and have been deeply scarred, and now your daughter is reflecting back behavior that reminds you of your wife. Not easy.

Do you have anyone to talk to or help you with the triggers?

What kinds of thing are you doing to take care of yourself? This is probably the most important piece, and can be the hardest.

How often do you see D9?

LnL

[columme]

It has been a huge battle and you're right.

I don't have anyone honestly.

I been to therapy, but I can only afford so much.

I been to the docs for my panic attacks.

I see our daugter daily to walk her to school.

I have her from Thursday to Monday one week and the other week Friday into Saturday.

It hasn't been enough. And last year I tried talking to this woman about this.

I initiated a court battle, and boom, I started having severe panic attacks.

So in the summer, I was literally glued to my couch afraid to go anywhere.

I went to the doctor and they got me on some good medications and I feel much better now.

I spent most of the year isolated because I work from home and live in a smaller town.

Anytime, I am around her or speak of her, my mind races and I am super stressed out.

This past year, we will go together to do specific kids stuff and I am panicking the entire time.

Last week, she waited until the last minute to get her stuff moved due to a moving things to redo her floor and called me on Monday.

I didn't want to help, but I did so because of our child.

When I arrived, she immiediately gives me her keys to her car and says, "here, please move my car in the parking lot before the plow comes". I checked out.
She is asking me to do ANOTHER thing at the LAST MINUTE.

I move her car and accidently get it towed, so now she's reaaalllly pissed off. Then I get pissed off because I felt like she should've just moved her own f'ing car.

So then the next day, she's extremely unpleasant. Again, she texts me at 5:50pm and tells me our child has an event to go to. I asked her if she knew in advance and she said yes.
I asked her how come she didn't tell me earlier? She gets pissy with me.

So that night, I'm helping her again and she tells me, the people aren't coming over to do the rest. So, I'm there and its awkward because she is tired and pissed off.

I'm there and I'm watching her and my kid argue and it stresses me out.

So, a few days later things are ok, and I'm helping her move again. I order us pizza and move her stuff. Things seem to be ok.

The next morning picking up our kid, I brought the mom a coffee.

That same day, she asks me more about her car. And I had just had a panic attack. So I was like, "I don't care about your stupid car".

So now I'm getting the silent treatment and avoidance, but when she wants something, she'll be all nice and sweet.

Now you throw on this incident with my child where she will deny everything I say and make me out to be the bad guy and it's extremely stressful.

So now my kid gets validation that she can do whatever, and Mom supports her ___ty behavior.

So then I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place because it alienates me.

I been dealing with her for 10 years and I'm just smoked.

[Julian]

... .I also believe I have PTSD

I don't think people understand what it's like to walk on eggshells around someone like this, especially when you have a child with them.

Their behavior is atrocious.

Some days, I just want to get in my car and drive, far, far away and spend the rest of my money on enjoying my life and peace until I have to face the music of bankruptcy and whatever other natural consequence.

I been through the ringer. Accused  of (falsely) domestic assault. Bad mouthed to the community. Drained in every possible way. She's an endless pit of misery.

I don't have much by way of solutions (else I would have used it myself  but just wanted to say the bits above are all things I feel/felt to this very day.

That bit in bold especially.

I was walking past the shops today with all the Valentine's Day stuff and I was thinking to myself most people on this day may be thinking of chocolates, cards, candle lit dinners, or just a pizza and a cuddle at the sofa to watch some Netflix series and what do I have (past and present)?

• Social services
• Mediation
• Cafcass officers
• Impending court cases
• The police
• CID (false child pornography allegations)
• Clergymen
• Supervised visitation staff
• Conveyor belt of solicitors
• Psycho therapists
• Psychiatrists

... .and you know what he funny thing is? we (the children and I) are never this bad, we're just your average family that goes out to the park and comes home for dinner, pet cat etc, nothing we've done has warranted anything like the above listed drama, no violence, not even a voice raised, but apparently if you listen to her the atmosphere is 'toxic'... .   surprised she noticed anything when she was here, as her head was buried in her mobile scrolling away while the children and I spent our quality time together before she left the kids and buggered off. But oh yeah, it's toxic in here apparently.

Endless pit of misery as you put it, and there is seemingly no end in sight. A gaping hole that feels constantly robbed and owed and hard done, with bitterness coming out of every pore. You just wonder do they ever find peace?

Apologies though again, no advice to give but just to let you know you're not alone. It's a long hard road, and I bet you've passed a couple by once or twice and thought "Now why couldn't I have this?"... .    but I'm told it will get better

[jenbren2006]

The only way you will ever find some peace in your life is to sign over your parental rights. 
We've been fighting for 3.5 years and my husband has finally reached that point.
The judge about to turn over full custody to her (since we moved 1000 miles away-to escape the ex and her borderline 14 year old son that they share).  Even with her having full custody he cannot see his children anymore.  Just over new years he went through a 2 week CPS investigation for something that the 14 year old son completely made up along with his mother.  I refuse to see my innocent husband end up in prison or lose his job and be labeled a child abuser.  The system is broken and I do not trust CPS to make correct decisions.
Once he signs over his parental rights he can block all her phone calls emails and texts.  The only way she can contact him is through the mail and over child support issues-nothing else. 
We are confident that the children will see the light and can have a relationship with him if they so choose at 18.  He has fought for them every step of the way but the system is so corrupt and there is nothing he can do anymore. 
We have an 11 year old daughter and we deserve some peace in our lives.  We tried to rescue the children but it is in God's hands at this point.
Good luck to you.

[jenbren2006]

Actually I just spoke to a Colorado attorney.  He will not be able to sign over his rights voluntarily but once she has full custody he can just not communicate with any of them.  There is no way at that point that a judge can force him to be involved and force him to interact with his ex.  He will write them letters and for the time being his parents can give them to him.  If she does not allow them to see my husbands parents-pretty sure she will move with the children- then he can send them certified mail and make copies for when they are older and ready to have a relationship with him.