Cycling through emotions in minutes

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

On a few occasions I’ve watched my SO go from screaming, to crying uncontrollably to calmly talking to a friend within minutes.  It was such a sudden shift in emotions (with a quick ability to change them) that it almost seemed like a performance. 

I’ve noticed this seems to most often coincide with when I don’t react in the way predicted or when I don’t concede I’m wrong. 

Are there real emotions in there?  Is it an act meant to get a response? Both?   . 

[mssalty]

On a few occasions I’ve watched my SO go from screaming, to crying uncontrollably to calmly talking to a friend within minutes.  It was such a sudden shift in emotions (with a quick ability to change them) that it almost seemed like a performance. 

I’ve noticed this seems to most often coincide with when I don’t react in the way predicted or when I don’t concede I’m wrong. 

Are there real emotions in there?  Is it an act meant to get a response? Both?   . 

[Insom]

Interesting observation, mssalty. 

I’ve noticed this seems to most often coincide with when I don’t react in the way predicted or when I don’t concede I’m wrong.

How does it feel to you to watch this happen?

[valet]

These moments can be authentic, performative, or both at once. Sometimes authentic expressions of emotion can be acted out in ways that seem unnatural to us. Is that a performance, or is it just a failure to communicate properly?

The run of it is that we can't know the motivation behind other people's actions, but we do have a choice in how we react to them. From the way you're talking about this behavior, it seems like you're pretty detached from it.

Do you feel this kind of stuff effects you in a negative way? And how have you chosen to address it?

[pearlsw]

I’ve noticed this seems to most often coincide with when I don’t react in the way predicted or when I don’t concede I’m wrong. 

Hey mssalty,

May I ask, are there times when you should be apologizing, but aren't? What are you doing that is "unpredictable"?

take care, pearl.

[Red5]

These moments can be authentic, performative, or both at once. Sometimes authentic expressions of emotion can be acted out in ways that seem unnatural to us. Is that a performance, or is it just a failure to communicate properly?

The run of it is that we can't know the motivation behind other people's actions, but we do have a choice in how we react to them. From the way you're talking about this behavior, it seems like you're pretty detached from it.

Do you feel this kind of stuff effects you in a negative way? And how have you chosen to address it?

I can concur with this, but in a different order;

#1, Do you feel this kind of stuff effects you in a negative way? (yes)

#2, And how have you chosen to address it? (not in a good way in the past, but I am learning, one step forward, two steps back most times)

#3, ."it seems like you're pretty detached from it." (lately, yes)

mssalty posted: On a few occasions I’ve watched my SO go from screaming, to crying uncontrollably to calmly talking to a friend within minutes.  It was such a sudden shift in emotions (with a quick ability to change them) that it almost seemed like a performance.

I used to refer to this as "changing channels"... .click'... .its the weather channel... .click' its a murder mystery... .click' its a episode of the "Honeymooners"... .click' its FRIDAY the 13th!... .

Crazy... .we would be in a verbal argumenta, barbs flying, .and then the tele rings, .ringadingaling... ."hi mom!"... ."click" ~!

ugh ! 

Red5

[enlighten me]

One thing that has helped me understand BPD behaviour is to look at it as if it where a young child doing it. Children are very good at shifting a tactic to get what they want.

Look at a child that is caught doing something wrong. They can go from denial to tears to anger to sulking just as quickly.

This mechanism of dealing with things seems to be at a childs levels as if their emotional maturity is is stuck at that of a 5 year old.

Part of the interaction is real and part of it is show put on to get the wanted outcome.

[Cat Familiar]

A good example of this "changing channels" that has stuck in my mind:

My first husband and I were at a high end restaurant with my mother. She started loudly berating us for disappointing her in a variety of ways. Then whenever the server would show up, she would put on an ultra-pleasant demeanor. As soon as the server had left the table, the scolding would begin again. She was oblivious to the fact that other patrons could hear her, but for some reason, she wanted to be pleasant to the waiter.

I see this type of "channel changing" with my current husband too. He's so good at the hang-dog glum behavior, yet if the telephone rings, he's got his sunny demeanor on immediately.

[Red5]

A good example of this "changing channels" that has stuck in my mind:

My first husband and I were at a high end restaurant with my mother. She started loudly berating us for disappointing her in a variety of ways. Then whenever the server would show up, she would put on an ultra-pleasant demeanor. As soon as the server had left the table, the scolding would begin again. She was oblivious to the fact that other patrons could hear her, but for some reason, she wanted to be pleasant to the waiter.

Yes, out to eat, in a restaurant... .trapped, and no where to go with any sense of decorum... .a favorite place to have a full blown three alarm episode... .man oh' man, the stories I could tell 

Another "fav" is on a road trip, or a weekend getaway... .yeah, .trapped in a car, or hotel room, hundreds of miles away from home, and no where to go... .yes, .I'd like to "get away"!

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

The irony to me is that my husband can so easily change his external behavior, yet his emotions are immutable to change. So it makes me wonde if he feels his emotions are so incredibly precious that he has no interest in altering them or if he’s so overcome by his emotions that he can’t even imagine changing them.

For me, I often think, “Do I want to experience this feeling right now?” And if not, I don’t want to bury it, but I’m certainly willing to put it on the back burner and examine it later when it’s more convenient.

He has absolutely no ability nor desire to do this, but he can play a role with other people, representing himself as a lighthearted easygoing guy. What the heck?