I’m waking up, but unable to run.

[SheUsedToBeMine]

I’ll be married 18years this May. Have four beautiful children, and am a stay at home mom. Four years ago I learned in therapy that I am codependent. Had some denial at first, but since then have been working hard on boundaries and self. Though progress is slow, I a waking up.
Through this process I also realized I was raised with a raging BPD mother and codependent father. When I married my husband - I thought I had done so much better for my life. Only for him to also be diagnosed with BPD. He turns it inward and is self destructive, so for a long time I didn’t see the similarities. I spent the first 13 years of our marriage attempting to convince him of my love. He broke my heart instead. The last 5 years has been him trying to make things right. We have a kind relationship, so long as I keep everything balanced, but I am exhausted. Sometimes it is too much. I am always left wondering, is he trying hard because he loves me? Or is he trying hard for himself because he needs me? Our relationship has been nothing but I hate you, don’t leave me. And once I was ready to leave he changed. But I can’t seem to open up to him anymore, and the healthier I get the more apparent that is. I see his panick and I ache.
I stay. I stay for the children. I stay for him. I stay so the kids have the best version of their father possible. I stay because I know I need to. But I wonder if there will come a time when it is better to leave... .
I find it harder to sacrifice now that I am building healthy boundaries. I find myself changing and it scares me. Funny, I am scared of being strong. Anyone else stay for children? Anyone else ever stop doubting your BPD’s motives?

Anyone ever listen to the song “She Used To Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi SheUsedToBeMine,

I noticed at times that when I was stronger and asserted boundaries I often had even more problems. This certainly added new wrinkles to things! It can be so big and overwhelming but I never wanted to give up. I am a very determined person. It is hard to accept defeat.

What do you see happening as you get stronger?

Don't know the song, but curious now!

warmly, pearl.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I was married for close to twenty years to an undiagnosed BPD\NPD. A few years ago I also had learned in therapy that I'm codendent.  I had been emotionally shutdown all my life (I'm in my 40s now). I woke up a few years ago as well. My father was NPD and my mother was codependent. So I may have an idea of where you're at.

I'm really glad to hear you're working on yourself and your boundaries. That's very important. Long story short, I ended up divorcing my husband a couple of years ago. He tends to be self-destructive, in a way, but doesn't turn it inwards. His self destruction was more in his personal and professional life. He rarely stayed with a job for more than a year or two. He only has maybe two close friends. His family doesn't even spend much time with him. Instead of turning it inward on himself, he turned it on me all these years and became emotionally abusive. That's why I ended up divorcing him. We went to marriage counseling (several different counselors) but his behavior only got worse towards me. Especially once I stopped managing his emotions. That's when his rages got really bad and only got worse.

I understand your exhaustion. I was exhausted too. It got to be too much for me. The healthier I got, the more I couldn't "unsee" his behavior and how it was affecting me and the kids. The more I enforced my boundaries, the angrier and more aggressive he got. In hindsight, I don't think BPD people handle change very well, especially if it doesn't match their view of the world and reality.

While our situations may share some similarities, everyone's is different in a lot of ways and that's okay. I understand why you stay. You do what you feel you need to do. Please make sure you take care of yourself, though. Maybe if you take it one day at a time, you'll know what you need to do for you and your kids.

When I was trying to decide whether to stay or go, for me it came down to this: was I in the kind of marriage I would want my children to have? If not, is there hope it will change for the better? My answer was no. It got to the point where his abuse escalated so much, he retraumatized me on purpose (he admitted it) and didn't see anything wrong with what he did. That made my decision for me. I knew in my heart and soul I had to leave for my sake and my children's sake. I never regretted it and have never been happier.

I really hope your situation isn't bad like mine was. I'm not saying it is or will be either. I think that change of any kind can be scary, even if it's for the better.

Towards the end of our marriage, I had a lot of doubts about his motives. Then again, he refused to believe or even entertain the idea that he may have some issues to work on - like anger management. I was the broken one, not him, according to him. He wanted me to be the same person from twenty years ago. I refused to be the codependent doormat I had been for all those years. I was tired of it all and I was ready to change and work on myself. All of the problems in our marriage were soon all of my fault, according to him. His black and white thinking became really apparent. Now a days, in his mind, he is now the victim (he gets really adament that he's the victim) and that I abused him all this time.

I'm familiar with Sara Bareilles (I have her first album) but I don't know that song. I'll have to listen to it now.

I hope this helps you at least somewhat. You're not alone and I'm glad you're making progress in your healing.

[SheUsedToBeMine]

pearl,

I don’t know what I see yet. Mostly feeling the differences. Scary, but also excited. I guess it depends on how he reacts to me and how I react to him. But leaving my relationship out of it, I see myself not going backwards anymore. That is going to make some big changes for myself. No matter how much we fight change it is inevitable. As scared as I am to be facing changes within myself, I am relieved. Once I understood my own part in things I couldn’t turn away. I admit I tried a few times. This is my first time on a mssg board for these issues. Didn’t know this existed. Hoping this also helps me continue foward momentum vs sliding backwards. Thanks

[SheUsedToBeMine]

Thank you I_Am_The_Fire,

You’re reply meant a lot. I’ve read it more than once.

He was pretty emotionally abusive and self destructive for most of our marriage. But because he turned it inward and was very passive aggressive in his abuse it was hard to nail down. I just always knew something was off. Then he broke my heart, never been in that kind of pain my entire life. But I was pregnant with my fourth, plus religiously I had lots of pressure to stay married.

Me being so hurt, finally breaking, was a shock to him. So he has worked so hard on changing. He is no longer passive aggressive in his abuse towards me, and sees a lot of his problems. Once he realized he was BPD tied with childhood severe neglect everything kinda fell into place. He still is BPD, but admits it.

This however doesn’t change all the disfunctional habits. And as my boundaries get healthier he reacts in subtle ways. I many ways I don’t know if he is just reacting normal or if he is manipulating. But not trying to figure him out too much anymore. I’ve decided I can only change me.

So this week I have a new gym membership - going to start lifting. I already going running a lot. Working out seems to be a coping/ meditation route for me.
I also joined a writing group and am reclaiming my social freedom. He is supportive, but still I can see the panick from BPD issues. I guess we will see... .

I am just starting to put a plan in place for if we ever separate. But that scares me. Until then one day at a time.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

You are so very welcome! I'm really glad it helped.

I am also glad to hear he sees a lot of his problems and is working on it. I think that's really good progress.

Really glad to hear you're working on yourself. The gym membership, running, the writing group all sound wonderful! That's awesome!

I truly hope it all works out for you.  I believe taking things one day at a time can really help. 

With my journey on healing, I've learned (at least with me) it's like a cha-cha: some steps forward, some steps backward. The important part is to keep going and not give up, IMO.