Interesting conversation, holding on

[Parents! Get help here!]

 Hi everyone, it has been at least a week since I've posted. I've been here every day, reading, responding to others and taking in all I can.
   As of today it is 6 weeks since I found this board, I've read 3 books, started using new techniques to interact with my BPD D, changed my work schedule to better care for my grandson, hired a housekeeper for my sanity and basically removed all stress and responsibility from my daughter.
   To date we have had NO melt downs, no demands, no screaming or yelling, no temper tantrums. Wow and thank God! I truly want to be relieved and take a deep breath; I just can't do it yet. While I'm so happy to have this time I just keep thinking can we keep it up. Every day is a new day and full of possibilities, I look forward to my daughter having a day without emotional upheaval. To me it seems that she can now navigate the day without pressure or expectations. Last week I asked her if she knew how long it had been since she had a melt down. She had no idea. I told her 5 weeks and asked her if she could tell any difference, did she feel any different in any way. While she acknowledged that 5 weeks is a long time, she said she would never have recognized it without me telling her. So while she can see and recognize that things have changed in our daily lives, she is still unable to internalize them and thus feel any relief for herself.
    On my heart level this is so sad, I know that there is nothing I can ever do to change her mental illness. I'm sad that for her there is no sinking in of the benefits of our change. This will not keep me from hoping for more. It will not keep me from continuing to keep our status peaceful and stress free. Yesterday I had to go to work early which required her to put her son on the bus. Then I had a Dr. appointment which kept me late until after dinner time. We had talked about this, tried to prepare her for expectations. She did her best but, by the time I got there she was more than done. Later after putting my grandson to bed she came to me and shared that the day was just too much for her. She openly acknowledged that she cannot meet the needs of her son. My JJ is 6 and all boy (enough said). She did ask me if there could be a way to not put her in that position again. I told her how proud I am of her for being able to see the frustrations of the day. I see this as her making progress in self care. She can now see her limits in dealing with caring for her child.
      I can only hope that the changes we have made on the outside will continue. I look at it like this: she may still be struggling in her own mind with her view of life, at least now I know I've done what I can so that she doesn't have to fight the day too. Thanks for reading and let share that any progress in any area is hard won and totally worth it.

[bluek9]

 Hi everyone, it has been at least a week since I've posted. I've been here every day, reading, responding to others and taking in all I can.
   As of today it is 6 weeks since I found this board, I've read 3 books, started using new techniques to interact with my BPD D, changed my work schedule to better care for my grandson, hired a housekeeper for my sanity and basically removed all stress and responsibility from my daughter.
   To date we have had NO melt downs, no demands, no screaming or yelling, no temper tantrums. Wow and thank God! I truly want to be relieved and take a deep breath; I just can't do it yet. While I'm so happy to have this time I just keep thinking can we keep it up. Every day is a new day and full of possibilities, I look forward to my daughter having a day without emotional upheaval. To me it seems that she can now navigate the day without pressure or expectations. Last week I asked her if she knew how long it had been since she had a melt down. She had no idea. I told her 5 weeks and asked her if she could tell any difference, did she feel any different in any way. While she acknowledged that 5 weeks is a long time, she said she would never have recognized it without me telling her. So while she can see and recognize that things have changed in our daily lives, she is still unable to internalize them and thus feel any relief for herself.
    On my heart level this is so sad, I know that there is nothing I can ever do to change her mental illness. I'm sad that for her there is no sinking in of the benefits of our change. This will not keep me from hoping for more. It will not keep me from continuing to keep our status peaceful and stress free. Yesterday I had to go to work early which required her to put her son on the bus. Then I had a Dr. appointment which kept me late until after dinner time. We had talked about this, tried to prepare her for expectations. She did her best but, by the time I got there she was more than done. Later after putting my grandson to bed she came to me and shared that the day was just too much for her. She openly acknowledged that she cannot meet the needs of her son. My JJ is 6 and all boy (enough said). She did ask me if there could be a way to not put her in that position again. I told her how proud I am of her for being able to see the frustrations of the day. I see this as her making progress in self care. She can now see her limits in dealing with caring for her child.
      I can only hope that the changes we have made on the outside will continue. I look at it like this: she may still be struggling in her own mind with her view of life, at least now I know I've done what I can so that she doesn't have to fight the day too. Thanks for reading and let share that any progress in any area is hard won and totally worth it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

Well done. Structure can help a lot. You seeing that and having a wiliness to create it is admirable.

[bluek9]

Thanks Skip, it's always nice to hear that positive feed back.

[wendydarling]

Wow bluek9, you are on it, and we are here with you. Look forward to others chiming in here with us,.

BK9 - I'm all with you taking off responsibility of your DD (for now), my approach is bottom up - capacity building mental health, wellbeing. And it's working for my DD and me! Small gentle steps and patience - = great strides.

You have changed your approach (lesson 2) and way of communicating, you see benefits. It may take your DD time to catch you up and take you over as my DD has, I wish that for you BK9 and all parents here  

I've found it helpful to have 2, nor more than 3 point plan, not to sweat small stuff.

What helped my daughter is me reaching out with empathy and DOUBLE validation. Our home is calm and loving, this helps her to come to point and work on her, my DD needs silence to help her centre and then comes back to engage, she does. Like 3 hours at a time, that suits her, she's downloading her latest learning, I listen, all ears.

Waving to you BK9 from London, the UK one.

WDX

[ArleighBurke]

Excellent progress!

She will always have BPD, so she will not be able to stop her meltdowns, but your help and guidance is showing that they can decrease. (At the moment by a lot!)

So as you have said, this behaviour will not last forever. But when the melt down does come, remember that it is NOT the end - she hasn't reverted and lost it all - it's just a single meltdown. And as a black/white thinker, SHE will need love/support/guidance herself to accept that it is just a single event.