Daughter says I am never to contact her or her children again

[Luz]

Hello, this is my first time writing, though I have been dealing with my daughter's erratic, domineering, often cruel behavior for 30 years.  Most puzzling is the alternating with "I'm the best Mom in the world".  This week she became enraged when I challenged her, and physically threw me out of her house, insinuating that I am the reason for everything wrong, and that I've been trying to keep things from her.  I was called some terrible things in the letter, told where I could go, and am never to contact her, or her children again.  She has threatened once before that I am never to contact her again.  I never realized how much she hated me, until this incident, as we were seeming to get along for several years.   I would appreciate all the advice I could get.  I am respecting her "request" to keep away from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

 Hi Luz, WELCOME Let me start with saying I hear you and I understand (all of it). I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you're going through right now. So sorry to do this but I have to close, have an emergency to deal with. I will get back with you tomorrow. HUGS to you

[Mutt]

Hi Luz,



I’m sorry to hear that. Are you physically safe? What a co fusing orderal when your D does a 180 like that. Is she diagnosed with BPD? In the context of BPD splitting is defense mechanism. A pwBPD can’t see the grey area in people you’re either all good or all bad and it can come out of nowhere.

From the sounds of what you shared with us for now you’re split black splitting kicks in when a pwBPD are stressed is there something in particular that’s going in her life that’s stressful?

[Merlot]

hi Luz

I read your post and it sounds like I could have written it myself.  I have been posting here for about 5 weeks or so after been split by my DD27.  My DD27 flew into a violent rage following an incident where my husband and I were walking her dogs and were back a little late ahead of an appointment she had.  We have been told that we are dead to her and she has cut all contact, moved back interstate and is refusing to allow us contact with our GD1. 

It is just so difficult to rationalise and I am still coming to terms with BPD.  However I have been reading and self-educating as much as I can, as well as seeing a psychologist and making time for me.

Stepping away from the conflict and taking time to revive and reflect is paying dividends for me.  I hope that your journey becomes smoother, and of course we hope for the best for our children.  Hope you are doing ok.  Merlot 

[bluek9]

Hi Luz, finally made it back, the last two days have been hectic. My BPDD is 35 so dealing with her for all her life. Sounds like the splitting is what you're dealing with. My daughter does this in the same way you're talking about. One day I'm the best, she loves me and all is good. Then out of no where I'm the monster who causes all her pain, and she hates me. Holy cow what a slap in the face of a mom. And oh yeah it hurts pretty bad. Don't take it personally! She is using a defense mechanism. It can be one of the hardest things for us to wrap our minds around, the total opposite of emotions and the things that come out of their mouths. For me I started with the book "I hate you, don't leave me". That was the first only because that's what my daughter says to me all the time. It was scary, like reading our life in the pages. I found that when my daughter was acting out verbally underneath she was really in some kind of emotional pain. One of my boundaries is that when she starts calling me vile names I need to remove myself from the situation. I have my own abuse issues from childhood, and that kind of talk triggers me. I know everyone is different, for my daughter sometimes it can take her days to calm down.
    Don't loose hope, keep posting, keep reading, keep educating yourself. And yes I agree with you keeping the request to stay away. Gives you time to re-coup. Hope this helps