Things are changing for me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have begun to feel a shift in the force here of late, as time marches on in my marraige to u/BPDw.

I feel like I am becoming more and more despondent and I can feel us growing further and further apart, and I think to myself, “self, were you ever close to her to begin with, why did you really marry her”... .I am beginning to lose my attraction to her, if and when we do have sex, it feels like a chore, another item on the friggen checklist to keep her happy, a requirement, even I, the most naive person I know understands that this is a huge red flag  .

Little things are happening... .I have stopped opening doors for her, I no longer say “bless you” when she sneezes (silly maybe). I am no longer afraid of making her angry... .

What is happening, little signs, leaks as it were are indicators of a much larger problem in the overall “plumbing” of this relationship.

I ask myself a question, if I was not married to her, would I even want to have any kind of relationship with her, knowing what I know now about her behaviors, I am sad to say that no I would not.

Is there anyone else out there tonight that is thinking the same way?

What is happening to me, am I subconsciously giving up, is my inner self calling it quits?

Red5

[Red5]

So I have begun to feel a shift in the force here of late, as time marches on in my marraige to u/BPDw.

I feel like I am becoming more and more despondent and I can feel us growing further and further apart, and I think to myself, “self, were you ever close to her to begin with, why did you really marry her”... .I am beginning to lose my attraction to her, if and when we do have sex, it feels like a chore, another item on the friggen checklist to keep her happy, a requirement, even I, the most naive person I know understands that this is a huge red flag  .

Little things are happening... .I have stopped opening doors for her, I no longer say “bless you” when she sneezes (silly maybe). I am no longer afraid of making her angry... .

What is happening, little signs, leaks as it were are indicators of a much larger problem in the overall “plumbing” of this relationship.

I ask myself a question, if I was not married to her, would I even want to have any kind of relationship with her, knowing what I know now about her behaviors, I am sad to say that no I would not.

Is there anyone else out there tonight that is thinking the same way?

What is happening to me, am I subconsciously giving up, is my inner self calling it quits?

Red5

[DaddyBear77]

Hey Red5 - yep. We're out here. I'm sorry you're here, too.

For me, I realized that resentment and anger was building up to critical mass. I was constantly short tempered. I stopped using the communication tools I knew I should be using. I didn't care if a fight broke out - I would just detach and let it happen.

I think it's really healthy to realize these things are happening. It's the only way we can make a conscious, wisemind decision on what to do next. I think it's good to embrace this place.

I read your other post about the text bombing and I saw it in your responses there, too.

What are you thinking? What do you think all this means? What do you think you want now that you're here?

[Red5]

DaddyBear77,

I feel like the Titanic just sank beneath me, and it tried to suck me down into the depths, but Inkicked, and Infought, I just broke the surface, and all around me there is floatsome, wreckage, and it is very cold, down to my bones, but I may actually be free once and for all, but I have to survive the night in the open cold ocean, until I see the sun rise again, then I will know if Inhave survived... .

I am numb and cold, and I wonder how in the world I even got here to begin with... .I need to keep moving, and keep warm, and I need to think clearly, or I won’t make it till sunrise... .

Crazy !

Just a little longer now... .

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hi Red5,

These are emotions are hard at times... .Keep watching and listening to them. I never used to even let myself entertain the idea of a final breakup. Since I've been forced to in the last weeks it has opened up other areas and made me see potential - in myself and my life.

Do you see hope and potential for yourself? What would make you happiest? How could you get to that point? (I ask myself these questions all the time!)

wishing you well, pearl.

[Cat Familiar]

Well, if I were in my early twenties and I had just met my husband and I know now what the Mr. Hyde side is (which in his case is not nearly so bad as what so many folks here deal with—and I experienced BPD on steroids with my first husband so I totally understand how bad it can get)... .nevertheless, say I’m young and just starting to date this guy and I’m preternaturally wise for my age.

Well, my answer would be to get out of Dodge on the fastest horse I could ride.

That said, our lives are very intertwined now, I actually do love him, he can be a lot of fun when the mental illness doesn’t get in the way, I have more financial security than I’ve ever had, I enjoy my life, I can do pretty much as I please, I have great friends, life is good.

However, I have to constantly “manage” my responses to him. I cannot truly be myself without constraints. I’ve lost a lot of respect for his lack of self control. I’ve been very disappointed that I fell in love with an illusion. He will never know my true unfettered self. It’s sad and disappointing to admit this, but I’m a pragmatist. Nothing is perfect in life and I’ve got a pretty sweet deal. My first marriage was a never ending nightmare. This one is easy, relatively.

[Notwendy]

I feel the same way as you Cat. I don't have a first marriage but I have BPD-on steroids-mother and although there are issues in my marriage that were not easy for me, they are nothing like the behaviors I see in her. BPD does exist on a spectrum and every individual is unique. This is one reason we can not step in and tell someone else to stay or leave a relationship. BPD behaviors may have a common pattern, but individuals and their relationships are unique.

[mama-wolf]

Red5, I can really relate to where you are right now.  All the way down to loss of attraction and reluctance to do the "little things" that just always came so naturally in the relationship.  I'm really sorry you're in that place, because I know it hurts (somewhere, beneath the numbness)... .

However, I have to constantly “manage” my responses to him. I cannot truly be myself without constraints. I’ve lost a lot of respect for his lack of self control. I’ve been very disappointed that I fell in love with an illusion. He will never know my true unfettered self. It’s sad and disappointing to admit this, but I’m a pragmatist.

Cat Familiar, your description puts great words around my concerns for a future with uBPDw.  Now that I have a better understanding of her behavior and how to manage my own reactions, I feel my like I can never be my true self with her. And I have serious doubts about whether she can take care of me if/when I eventually need someone do so.  I feel like the lion's share of caregiving falls to me, and that's not the dynamic I want in a marriage.  These concerns are the source of my most conflicted feelings.

What does give me some peace is at least finally having better awareness of what is going on, and knowing I do have a choice in how my future shapes up.  I dont spend much time focusing on what that might look like right now, but maybe I should.

[AskingWhy]

Red5, I am where you are in many ways.

I no longer care if uBPD/uNPD H dysregulates.  If he does, so be it.  If he threatens divorce, I tell him to have me served.

I also feel no more intimate attraction to my husband.  I try to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

When H dysregulated in the past, I would weep, ask how I could do better, and beg him not to leave me.  So many times over the last 20 years.

No more.

When H makes any threat at all, I call his bluff.  :)ue to his deep BPD shame and fear of abandonment, he never carries through.  He has learned some empathy in recent years, I believe, in watching the relationships of his adult children where they were abused by partners and spouses.  It hurt him to the soul to watch his own children hurt by the actions of a callous romantic partner.

Then again, if he carries through, I won't run after him.  Like Cat Familiar, I am disappointed in the illusion I fell in love with when I married my H.  He began to show his true colours about a year into the marriage when he started fawning all over his children, and I was nothing more than a sex partner and additional income source to pay for expenses and help out with the mortgage.

And like pearlsw, I am seeing there is a life after divorce.