Introduction: He spends money faster than I can make it, he's bipolar/BPD/addict

[MomBoss]

Hi. I’ve been trying to find an outlet of people who understand my frustration. My husband is a bipolar, roughly recovering addict/alcoholic whom I recently learned has BPD. I’ve reading about this condition and it’s starting to make so much sense. Uncontrolled rage when our kids interrupt during his TV show... .which is RECORDED so he could watch it anytime... .throwing the remote and screaming like the Hulk on steroids because the channel won’t change fast enough. And now, he’s taking this all out on me. Several years ago I left a full time job to open my own business. It’s been a rough few years but I’m finally starting to success ands compounding every month. He has finally decided he’s done supporting my dreams and I need to get a full time job. His reasoning is that we are always out of money. But we are always out of money because he spends it faster than I can make it on junk food, golf and alcohol. For a week and a half now he has been yelling at me, cussing at me over texts and in front of our kids. Telling our kids(5 and 9) what a bad decision I made leaving the full time job I had. Our household expenses are half of our income. We are not that bad off if we would just stick a budget.

I feel like I’m being bullied to be the dutiful wife who backs down and follows her masters orders. But I don’t operate like that!  10 days now of being badgered every time I turn around.  He’s been out of one of his meds, just got it back today. And another med he refuses to take the full dose. I’m just at my wits end.  Can anyone relate? I really don’t want to think about divorce. But I can’t keep living like this. And I don’t want our girls growing up thinking that this kind of behavior is ok. I don’t want them to end up in a relationship like this.  Anyhow, thx for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Welcome to BPD Family Momboss,  

Thank you for sharing! You are in a safe and friendly environment here. We will do our absolute best to help.

Several years ago I left a full time job to open my own business. It’s been a rough few years but I’m finally starting to success ands compounding every month. He has finally decided he’s done supporting my dreams and I need to get a full time job.

First off, this is a huge step and a very daring one. I applaud you for chasing your dreams. Whether it resulted in failure or success, this is remarkable to pursue.  

Not saying this may be true, but my thought is he may be afraid that you will become succesful and leave him. or make more than him and his fear of abandonment might be triggered. Not sure. Just a speculation on my end.

Has the yelling started due to the success in your job?

I feel like I’m being bullied to be the dutiful wife who backs down and follows her masters orders. But I don’t operate like that!  

I know you feel the need to defend yourself, but this will make things only worse. Sometimes, its best if we put our own ego/pride aside for the sake of the relationship. You dont want to JADE your partner or invalidate .

Please look at the tools bar and try to understand the tools to offer a better solution in times of conflict with your partner. The tools are not 100% proven but users here have sworn it has helped in their situations.

Please continue to share and check out other members posts to learn and understand the dynamics of such relationships.

[pearlsw]

I feel like I’m being bullied to be the dutiful wife who backs down and follows her masters orders. But I don’t operate like that!  10 days now of being badgered every time I turn around.  He’s been out of one of his meds, just got it back today. And another med he refuses to take the full dose. I’m just at my wits end.  Can anyone relate? I really don’t want to think about divorce. But I can’t keep living like this. And I don’t want our girls growing up thinking that this kind of behavior is ok. I don’t want them to end up in a relationship like this.  Anyhow, thx for listening.

Hi MomBoss,

Sorry he's been treating you like this, and in front of the kids. I know how disappointing and upsetting that can be to not want kids to have to see such things. My SO has kids, not me, but when they come he does not treat me well in front of them. We're have separate vacations this year because of it. He is sorry, but I think, if we had vacationed together it would be more of the same. I used to try to prep him before visits, come up with a plan and lay out some rules/shared principles for things, but I notice it is so hard for him, when under stress, to stick to any promises of better behavior.

I wondered the same thing that CryWolf did... .If he is threatened by your success? I think it is good that you are standing your ground in this area no matter how much you are being bullied over it. It's tough to listen to rage, and over the top extreme stuff. When you pick through the extra "junk" he tosses at you is there anything to any of it? In other words, it is possible to validate any valid part of what he says? For example, my SO is pretty awful at times, but I can validate him by saying things like, "I"m sorry you feel bad." Or "I know this is hard for you." I am recognizing he has emotions and how he feels, but all in all it does not change that sometimes I have to do things he does not like or agree with.

Have you seen this yet: Validation This can be helpful to try!

If you have time, take a look, and tell us what you think! Is it something you could see adopting as part of your way of interacting with him on a regular basis?

sincerely, pearl.