Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 30, 2020, 12:36:00 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: FaithHopeLove, Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Is your professionally diagnosed BPD partner high functioning?  (Read 850 times)
Duped 1
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 409


« on: February 12, 2018, 10:28:44 AM »

Just curious if some of you have been involved with those that you would consider high functioning (could hold down a decent job, weren't cutting frequently, didn't have major money or addiction issues, and appeared relatively normal to the outside world) but who were also diagnosed. I'm just curious about this as I have read about those referred to as high functioning but also diagnosed and am wondering how common this might be.

Thanks!
Logged
AustenJ
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 212



« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 10:59:32 AM »

I don't know if I accept the definitions of "high functioning" and "low functioning." My diagnosed BPDexgf is college educated and has a professional job, although she talked all the time about getting a new job.

She is able to lead organizations, but she still cuts, vapes, abuses alcohol, purges, cries frequently on the job, and has impulsive unprotected sex... .I'm not sure if you are differentiating between high and low on frequency of behaviors? In our 5 month relationship her vaping was the behavior she hid from me the longest... .She vaped every day; she purged several times a week (down from 10 times a day in college); she abused alcohol almost daily; and she cut perhaps 3 to 6 times over those 5 months. And she probably had impulsive sex 4 or 5 times at least... .yet I always considered her high functioning  since I still work with her every day, and she's able to perform her job at a high level for the most part, and she is able to wear her mask effectively. Most co-workers would be surprised she's been diagnosed with BPD.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8171


« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2018, 01:16:39 PM »

I don't know if I accept the definitions of "high functioning" and "low functioning."

The clinical community doesn't accept these definitions either.

"High functioning" is a self-help concept created by a layman to describe people with difficult "BPD ish" behaviors who operate below the thresholds of a clinical diagnosis. By the strict definition, being "high functioning" means "below the threshold". These are mutually exclusive terms.

What is causing confusion here is the definition of "high function" is not carefully characterized or documented by any organization and so it had grown on the Internet to mean everything and hence, nothing.

But apply logic to the idea - what gets the diagnosis is poor functioning in one or more areas in ones life. One does not need to poorly function in all areas of their life to be diagnosed BPD as this question infers.

I initially thought my ex was BPD (at clinical levels). As I've learned more through the years, I feel she is not. But, she operates with "BPD" patterns and that alone has been enough to catalyze an exhusband to kill himself, PAS against a step-parent, and a lot of heartbreak in my life.

Logged

 
Maxpax2011
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 138


« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 03:13:56 PM »

I think what they mean by high functioning versus low functioning is how well those who are disordered are able to maintain a somewhat stable lifestyle through employment, social circle, and financial responsibility, regardless of how they function in society, they all act the same when they are in close relationships, which is having very volatile behavior. My ex did not engage in any significant self harm that I saw, but she did fit the criteria for BPD as far as raging, emotional instability and impulsive behavior.
Logged
Enabler
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married - Cohabitating
Posts: 2363



« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 03:58:20 PM »

What families know and what families will admit are 2 very different things as well. My W family have a lot of issues you could easily describe with BPD but I can’t imagine a situation where they would openly accept it. Even her father who is ‘normal’ viermently rejects any suggestion that my MILs behaviour is anything other tha normal... .its pretty normal for a highly competent man to be called useless and an embarrassment for no describable reason.
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8171


« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2018, 04:12:11 PM »

Even her father who is ‘normal’ viermently rejects any suggestion that my MILs behaviour is anything other tha normal... .its pretty normal for a highly competent man to be called useless and an embarrassment for no describable reason.

It's bad. But is it clinical BPD? Subclinical would certainly account for this.

Go on the parenting board and read those stories... .those are diagnosed BPD. See what the parents know and how they feel about it.

None of this is absolutely black and white and it is semantics argument. My point is that too many people are being labeled as BPD, NPD, ASPD or the more juicy psychopath, than is substantiated by the current medical definitions. Even though it doesn't make for as simple a story, people with traits can account for the vast majority of what happens on this site. 

As we grow from these experiences we learn that's is not very black and white at all and this is important as it will help us better navigate the future.
Logged

 
Enabler
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married - Cohabitating
Posts: 2363



« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 05:45:34 AM »

It’s not clinical because none of them have the insight, ability to self reflect or lack of support that might get them to a point where they might HAVE to seek help. My W for example found it pretty easy to hide her cutting, anorexia, dope smoking, binge drinking and promiscuity from her parents as a teenager. She didn’t hide it from her boyfriend from 14-18 nor me from 18-now, we were very aware of that plus the physical violence, verbal rages and many other BPD traits... .the family on the other hand were too busy concentrating on not upsetting the MIL, not provoking her rages. all the players were themselves looking the other way constantly in survival mode.

MIL - wrapped up in her own delusional world, guilt and shame sensitivity that meant she was/is constantly hyper vigilant for suggestions of indiscretions. Vicious personalised rages directed at FIL and children often as an indirect response to abandonment or perceived slight. ONLY visible behind closed doors. Too wrapped up in herself to notice the problems her children have, coupled with the fact accepting that they have problems would result in accepting personal fault/inperfection and personal responsibility as a parent.

FIL - 100% focused on staying out of harms way from MIL. Even if he had awareness of the problems, he has buried his emotions and conscious opinions about the family dynamics so deep and spent so many years rationalising wrong as right he will do anything to avoid upsetting the apple cart and perpetuates the delusion that all is fine. He knows he will bare the brunt of the fallout should the rotten core be exposed.

SIL - For all her dysfunction she remains White sheep and is happy to perpetuate that. Although she will openly joke about the families nuances and her own dysfunction, she is incapable of seeing herself in entirety, incapable of empathising with the emotional and physical impacts she has on other people, and is incapable of personal change.

The family as a unit rallies round to perpetuate the dysfunction and delusion with FIL being the key practical rescuer for all players. Each of the children have recruited sub players myself and my brother in-law who are now rescuers to SIL and W, whilst SIL, W and MIL all rally around to validate each others behaviours as okay. All players maintain the dysfunctional family balance.

So, back to the point. All players in the microcosm have there own problems however, they have all found support networks that prevent their behaviours being life inhibiting. I am very sure that had my W not been with me at university and had been analysed formally for BPD (if that was even possible without actual suicide crisis), had I convinced her that cutting, anorexia, suicide ideation, physical abuse and rages were not within the realms of normal and she should seek help rather enabler her she would be "clinical". Who knows who would be deemed as clinically qualifying as BPD but are enabled relentlessly by people such as myself, or my FIL. We knew no better. All I knew was that if I went out and she was upset, she would cut... .so I didn't go out.

High functioning, low functioning is relevant. I have used the analogy of a glass of water numerous times but here goes again. We all have emotional capacity, when the meniscus breaks we dysregulate... .ALL OF US. Nons are able to better regulate their emotions and spend much of their time getting the glass empty (baseline). pwBPD spend longer getting down to baseline and often have stuff going on that never allows them to get back to empty (body dysmorphia, paranoia, scars on their arm, shame from last nights sexual indiscretion/drunken exploits, hangover, drug withdrawals, parental trauma, fear of their lies being found out, invalidation by children, shame... .), some (I might suggest the low functioning sufferers) are almost always near the top of the glass, their baseline is higher (although their perception of normal might be this higher anxiety level). They are quick to react and quick to reach the point of dysregulation and therefore smaller things send them into the red zone where the bad stuff happens... .which is going to be by it's very nature more disruptive to ones daily flourishing. If one is so full of stress that a dog poo on the pavement sends someone to a point where they have to cut... .well they will be less likely to leave the house. If one has enough capacity in the glass to see 100 poos on the pavement, one might make it to work. 

In conclusion, I believe that underlying or 'fixed' anxiety coupled with availability of unshakable support/enabling/validating network influences the expression of high/low functioning and the visibility of the disorder.

   
Logged

Enabler
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married - Cohabitating
Posts: 2363



« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2018, 10:21:55 AM »

That, and my view is that it's very challenging to remove external environmental factors that enable pwBPD to appear higher functioning than they are. That enabling could be practical, emotional, validation support systems they were fortunate or smart enough to adopt. If a pwBPD has an tenancy to self harm whenever they are abandoned but they find an emotional caretaker whom never leaves them... .they will self harm less. Does that make them more or less higher functioning from a clinical perspective, probably not.
Logged

bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2018, 11:05:09 AM »

Xw is not officially diagnosed but a forensic physiologist who did a battery of written and oral tests on Xw very strongly suggested Xw had a personality disorder and also stated that Xw would bring this disorder into all her future relationships. With that said, Xw is not officially diagnosed but it is very strongly implied by a professional.
  As I've posted before, Xw has the same job for 20 years, nice car, nice home, very on top of things, impeccable credit but behind closed doors she is the devil, hates most of her co workers, calls people loosers, hates Frenchman ( oddly she lives with one) hates truck drivers, very manipulating, lie horribly. To the outside world who doesn't know her, she's a perfect single mom with a looser X husband.
  My oppinion is these are the most dangerous one because people don't see the outward signs of cutting and addiction and the typical stereotype of disfunctional people. Xw is cold, cunning, calculating and is always thinking of how to deceive.
Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2018, 02:33:55 PM »

If you are referring to their success and their careers, yes they can be. Mine knew how to take advantage of her looks and charm, would send me examples, like how she got by getting a new advisor since they felt sorry for her financial struggles. Other times she mentioned how she never cleaned her as people would do it for her. she played victim a lot, and would say guys do anything she wants.

That level manipulation can get you far. On top of that she was intelligent enough for a perfect gpa and now is in a phd program doing research. Yes they can function. They are emotionally "broken", not necessarily "functionally". Thats my take from all this anyways.

my story

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=211523845842f0029aec5faeafee7508&topic=321313.10#top
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
Bo123
Formerly "envision"
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2018, 08:35:21 PM »

Mine was what the T said very high functioning but low grade BPD.  She had a PhD, tons of awards, employee of the quarter 2 years straight, when she bid other jobs, they would offer her pay above her Manager's and bonus's to stay.  Don't know how many times I heard "What a catch she was going to be for some guy", we were engaged later.  I think 99% of her friends and co-workers had NO idea what she was like at home.  She was so low end BPD, or I that slow, that I diddn't know she was BPD until after the 1.5 year break-up.  How sad does that make me look at and I'm doing well in life, college degree, finances, no unhealthy relationships, D/V, drugs in the past and a high level professional career on my side. I missed it all.  We even did a 1 week( with a husband/wife) counselors pre-marital counseling and they missed it.  My fiancee did say after the last session that she would never see a counselor again, but I could never get her to talk about it, so maybe they did hit on something the very last session.  I think I hold the record, if someone can best me let me know, but 1.5 years after it all ended, I finally figured it out in T.  I missed mensa by a fair amount of points but after I found out, I felt like I had a IQ of 50.  3 years+ 1.5= 4.5 years of not knowing and thinking all her friends can't be wrong, it must be me.  So yes, they can be so high functioning both at work and home that it is soo slow to sink into when there's no even moderate behaviour or very rarely that its almost impossible to detect.  Most BPD are much more obvious.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!