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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: He is still in love with his affair partner, which really hurts.  (Read 380 times)
clytie

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: February 12, 2018, 03:48:15 PM »

Hello!

I have been on NC with my BPD ex for more than five months. It was really hard to keep it at first but it has become easier day by day. It is really like avoiding an addiction. My BPD ex and I have a son. I do parallel parenting. When communication is needed about our son, my mother helps me so that I can keep NC.

After 5 months, I have begun to see our r/s from another perspective. First, I see that I can survive without him. Second, without the extra drama in my life, I have started to become a better version of myself. I am more peaceful. (This makes me a better mom already.) Third, (with the help of my T.) I have also realized that I had a low self-esteem because of my ex too. I was never clever enough, beautiful enough, clean enough, intellectual enough so on. When I was in the cycle of 'not enough', I needed him more and more. Now when my negative inner voice starts to talk, I say to myself "it's him, not you". There is noone around to devaluate me anymore.

I am trying to think of him less (which is really hard). Of course, I still miss him (which is really hard to explain to myself). And I know that he doesn't miss me. He hasn't even tried to contact me. He is still in love with his affair partner, which really hurts.

All in all, NC works. Thank you.

Clytie


Mod note: relocated from Detaching ~ Skip
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Skip
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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 06:55:59 PM »

I commend you for starting off with parallel parenting. That simplifies things and in time (year, 2 years), you can start opening he door up a little.

Affairs are brutal. Very destructive to self-worth. Making a clean break like this is really good.

How are the kids with this?
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clytie

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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 08:12:23 AM »

Hi Skip,
Thank you for your reply.

I think parallel parenting works for now. While I was in contact with him, he tried to continue his control over me using the issues about our son. Of course, these attempts of control delayed my healing. Then I talked to my son's T, and asked for the best solution. She supported my NC and said "The tension btw you and your ex is more harmful for your son." And added "when you are happy, your son will be happy."

I know that when I open a door for him even for sharing sth about our son, he will question my motherhood, or he will try to control everything in very a rude and blaming style. His last messages were so mean.

Now, I prefer focusing on my own healing, which works a lot. I meet friends, I've started new hobbies. I try to make new plans for the future.  After 5 months, my peace has increased. I begin to see his manipulations and his bad effects on me more clearly. I begin to spend good time with my son and friends more. And as I said before, he is like an addiction, so I am not sure how I will feel if I contact him. I still have my ups and downs.

I am still learning not to think about the OW. This is the hardest part. I sometimes feel like a "zero". Then I remind myself that if he was an illusion for me, he is an illusion for her too, which she doesn't know yet.
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BeagleGirl
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 02:34:09 PM »

I am still learning not to think about the OW. This is the hardest part. I sometimes feel like a "zero". Then I remind myself that if he was an illusion for me, he is an illusion for her too, which she doesn't know yet.

Clytie,
I can understand how it would be very difficult not to think about the OW and compare yourself to her.  I don't know if this will help, but when you feel like a "zero", it might help to say "His affair was not about my inadequacies, it was about his".  Maybe with enough repeating it will start to mean something to you, because it's true.  Unfortunately, truth doesn't always resonate with us when we have those voices in our heads that were telling us that we weren't "enough" even before the betrayal seemingly proved it. 
BG
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clytie

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« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 03:49:25 PM »

Hi BeagleGirl,
Thank you for your reply. You are right. It is not fair to compare myself to the OW. This will only increase the pain, I know. But for now I can't help it  . Recently I have realized that the "you are not enough" voice inside me mostly stems from my ex. I am trying to change it. Everything ended so brutally, he was so mean. He did everything to make me feel lesser and lesser.

Tonight I've read one of your previous posts (Ready to move). Our stories are so much alike. I had been with my BPD ex since I was 18. We had been together for 21 years, and we got divorced last september. He was my first love, first boyfriend. I am pretty much detached. I have a T, and I have begun my own inner-self journey. Without my BPD ex's control over me I feel like I am in the middle of an open sea. I should find my way to the shore now.
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Bo123
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 09:10:59 PM »

You sound good and seem to be heading in the right direction, good for you.  Keep moving forward.  Best wishes and keep posting.
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