suspended from treatment program for smoking weed- now what?

[dubiousraves]

My 18  BPDD had been doing well in her IOP for 5 months. She told us that her therapists all agreed she was ready to "graduate" and start working/volunteering/studying. We were feeling pretty hopeful until we found a letter she'd left open on her bed that said she was being suspended from the program for multiples drug tests that showed marijuana relapse. 

During the program we paid for her phone, transportation and a small weekly allowance. Once we found out she'd been suspended, we talked to her about it and she made a lot of excuses but did not get into a rage. We told her that if she was no longer in the program she had to do something out of the house 4-5 hours/day and we did not want to see any evidence of her weed smoking or we would cut her phone and weekly allowance. She reluctantly agreed.

 The problem now is that she is spending all of her time at her boyfriend's house and saying that she is busy doing stuff all day - we have no way of knowing if this is true.  We've never met the boyfriend so we have no idea what he is like. She met him online. When she is home she is a recluse, sleeping all day and staying awake all night. We also said that we wanted her to continue with DBT, a recovery group like AA or Smart Recovery and therapy. She is making excuses about the DBT and recovery group but she is still seeing her therapist though.

 I am in a Codependency group and don't have an innate sense of proper boundaries and setting limits but I am trying. I do not want to enable her in any way but also don't want to be over controlling. We are not sure how to get her to comply with our expectations without getting into a major conflict or her moving in with the boyfriend. Has anyone been successful in getting their adult BPDer to meet expectations for living at home or do I just need to give up, cut off all financial support except for room and board and hope for the best.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Dubiousraves, just read your post. Let me acknowledge the frustration I hear. I see that you post is not listed as being a newbie. Have you been posting here for a while? I was glad to be reading we, in your post. Does this mean you have support in your struggle?
   What caught my eye was the question you asked at the end of your thread "has anyone been successful with their adult BPD and expectations". I'll share a little with you. My BPDD is 35 she currently lives with me and has for all her life with the exception of about 2 years. I can relate to the struggle I hear that you are going through. My daughter and I are now experiencing 8 weeks of calm (first time ever). So let me encourage you, yes it can be done. I won't share all the battles right now. I want more to support you and listen to you. I'm glad to read that you're working on the codependency, that can be really tuff. You will learn that having boundaries is not being over controlling. Your boundaries will help you protect yourself, and they let others know what your limits are without making them personally directed towards someone. As a counselor myself I'm big on boundaries, they can help us carry through with our safety and commitment to our selves. For me and my daughter, my boundaries have always been set, firm. For us, by me doing this she has learned not only am I consistent, she has learned that her melt downs will not sway me into giving her what she wants.
       I heard too the trepidation about having conflict with your daughter. Unfortunately for all of us as parents conflict is a main stay in dealing with a BPD child, adult or not. I hear you, it's never pleasant to go down that path, but there are tools you can use for yourself. For me I've always been a firm believer in natural consequences. And yes of course my child has made some disastrous choices for herself. Some she learned from, some she did not. Really isn't that the way life is for all of us? We learn from our mistakes.
       I have said the same thing to myself numerous times about giving up. It's painful to be at that point. You're not alone! Let me encourage you to step back, take some self care time, re-evaluate the your expectations. Look at why she is unable to meet what you expect. There could be any number of reasons. To me giving up sounds like exhaustion, weariness and frustration. If you feel like you can at this time, share more with me, I'm here everyday. 

[Turkish]

For me I've always been a firm believer in natural consequences. And yes of course my child has made some disastrous choices for herself.

Can you expand upon how using natural consequences (and I'm assuming  logical consequences when appropriate) has worked for you and your daughter to reduce conflict?

[bluek9]

Hi Bluek9 here to elaborate on the use of natural consequences.
    As a parent working my way out of long reaching family dysfunction, I knew I had to find a better way to parent than what I was brought up with. I have a son and daughter 2 years difference in age, he is older. I started when they were both small, in elementary school. Mind you I knew at that time my daughter had challenges, Aspburgers, ADD.
    We started with friends; I told them I would not be picking or dictating who they made friends with. I also explained what this meant. If they choose a friend who was not a good influence, and they ended up in some kind of situation or trouble, I would not be there to bail them out. For my son this looked like suspension from the bus, suspension from school 2 times. For my daughter this didn't start working until high school. For her it looked like, not getting extra privileges at school because she was out smoking on school property. We still did not have the BPD diagnosis yet.
       Fast forward to young adulthood. At one point my son put his utilities in my name using using my social. When I found out I promptly had them turned off. He came to my house so mad, how dare I! Oh well. For my daughter it meant watching her suffer through several very bad relationships with not nice men. She did suffer, we talked at the end of each relationship, trying to figure out what she was looking for. At this point I knew there was something bigger tan just Aspburgers, but what I didn't know.
        It was only 4 years ago at age 31 that I knew she had been diagnosed with BPD during a brief time that she wasn't living with me. The last 4 years have been hell. I still stand by natural consequences. Today as her payee I give her a weekly allowance. She is free to do whatever she wishes with the money, there is only one thing she MUST take care of, that is her phone bill.
Usually she can do ok. There are times when she doesn't do ok. When this happens she will come to me with I'm sorry, I didn't know, I didn't realize. And of course I tell her I'm not part of the solution, she will have to go without her phone. Yes this can cause a melt down, screaming and tantrums. I stand firm. I go over the facts with her. We do a monthly budget together every month, we go over her NEEDS every week with the allowance. This lets me point out that she does get money, she does have to be responsible in one way.
        Another very simple thing I do is I make her responsible to keep track for her own hygiene items. By this I mean I buy them during a regular store shopping time. If we are shopping and she doesn't give me her list or let me know what she needs, and she runs out, then she goes without until the next tore time. This one has taken years but, she now does this with the confidence of knowing it's one way she takes care of herself.
     I hope this has helped, and that it's not to confusing. I'm sure this sounds really harsh to some people. I need to be her parent not her enabler.

   

[dubiousraves]

Thanks - this is really helpful. Its hard to put into practice though. My daughter decided she wanted to clean her room - which is filthy beyond belief -and asked if I could help her go through her things and decide what to donate or throw away. I readily agreed because the state of her room drives me nuts! Well she slept all day over the weekend when we were supposed to do it and then when I said no, I'm not spending my evening helping you, I have plans, she had a complete meltdown! She cried for over an hour, telling me that I "lied" when I said I would help her and that I must hate her and not want her to get better. On and on. I didn't give in the way I normally would and after a few days she came back and said that she was sorry, that she has a hard time with transitions and she doesn't know why. This time I gave her very specific times of when I was available to help instead of just saying "during the day" which made a difference because once the  time had past she knew should could not ask for help. The room is still dirty but I still think we made a little progress in communication. Maybe next weekend.

[bluek9]

dubiousraves, what great news to hear that you make progress! Take whatever it was no matter how small. Setting time frames is a great way of having boundaries and clear cut expectations. I was so happy to hear that you didn't give in and you waited on her to come back. My daughters thought processing can take literally hours. Makes it hard to have a conversation but patients will always win out. I find that if I give her the time to think it through she usually comes up reasonable answers or at least something we can compromise on. Keep going, stay strong.