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Author Topic: Court Mediated Email System  (Read 530 times)
jenbren2006
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« on: February 22, 2018, 01:25:25 PM »

My husbands BPD ex wife was court ordered to use an email system that was approved by the court.  All that else that she could contact him about directly would be medical emergencies.  Within minutes of receiving this order she was texting my husband!  It has been 4 months of this crap-texts, emails, even phone calls.  She even documented in writing that she will never use the system.  We have shown all of this to the judge and there is a status conference next week about it.  I'm thinking all that will happen is a little slap on her wrist and she will be sent on her merry way-basically no punishment at all.  Once this happens though we know she will use the email system because she will know that she will get in trouble otherwise.  It's really frustrating because I feel like she gets away with everything short of murder! 
Has anyone else's ex not used a court email system and what was the punishment.
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david
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2018, 08:17:15 PM »

Our court order says all communication is through email. Ex tried texting me several times so I got rid of texting. She then tried calling me from multiple numbers that were not in my phone book. I stopped answering any number I did not recognize. She left voicemails from several off the numbers. When she did that I put that number in my phone book so I knew it was her. I never replied to any of them. It took about two years and ex pretty much used email only communication.
Months after all that fun we were court ordered to attend coparent counseling for ten months. By then I had gotten texting back on my phone. Somehow she knew I got texting back and she brought it up in our second meeting. I simply stated that our court order requires  email only communication and that if she texted me I would not open the text and simply delete it. Less than four hours after the meeting I received a text from ex. I did not open it but saved it for the next meeting just in case. The subject never came up. By then the counselor "got it" and asked me if I wanted to continue the meetings. It took four meetings. He felt that there would be no progress by continuing. I questioned him because we had a court order. He said that was not a problem since he would write a letter to the judge explaining the situation. I agree with his assessment and left.
I never made an issue of it in court. I learned that the less I reacted the faster things improved. Being as boring as possible has been the best approach for my circumstances.
I also follow the court order even when ex doesn't. Communication did concern me in the beginning since we had two boys together. They were 4.5 and 8 when it hit the fan. Fortunately we never had a situation that required direct communication. It all started in 2007 so I consider myself lucky in that respect.
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2018, 09:56:29 PM »

My DH's ex is supposed to communicate by email as well. At the beginning she tried to ignore the court order and call anyway. He never picked up or responded. She still tries texting (for none emergency stuff) every once in awhile. DH only responds by restating that if she has something to say, she needs to email him per the court order.

The boundary is simple. Either communicate using the means that the court order requires, or don't expect to be heard. On rare occasion when she has texted him something important he has responded with an email saying "You sent me a text yesterday asking XYZ. My response to this is ABC."

She almost never emails him. She has initiated emails twice, and once was to let him know she was running late for a visitation exchange. (Something she actually could have just sent him a text about.) When DH wants her to respond or needs some kind of resolution, he makes her none response a response.

Example: We want to start planning for summer pretty soon, so DH sent uBPD an email giving her until February 28th to pick her two weeks of summer visitation. He ended the email letting her know that if he has not heard from her by that date then he would start making summer plans and assume she would be ok with whatever two weeks of summer were left later on. So, basically either she reads the email and makes a decision or her silence will become a decision.

As for court action, there was no punishment. He and his ex are supposed to use a specific program so that they'd both have access to a calendar of the kid's activities and appointments. Last time we went to court we brought it to the judges attention that she hadn't logged in for nearly a year. The judge basically made her feel like a piece of dirt for it, but there were no other consequences. And then she started using the program for a couple of months right after that. As of right now she hasn't logged in since June. But that's ok. She recently responded to an email from DH with "Why wasn't I informed before the appointment?" And it was all worth it to tell her that the information was in the calendar where it's supposed to be and if she won't go look at it there is nothing he can do about that.
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Radcliff
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 10:39:21 PM »

jenbren2006,

Is your husband responding to her via text? 

WW
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jenbren2006
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2018, 12:17:58 PM »

Absolutely not-he is not responding to her in text at all!  He doesn't even direct her to communicate stuff through the court email.  Most of the texts he just ignores because they have nothing to do with kid issues-just her harrassing him.
He will only engage on the court email system and only that if it has to do directly with the care of his children.  Everything else goes unanswered.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2018, 12:20:09 AM »

Absolutely not-he is not responding to her in text at all!  He doesn't even direct her to communicate stuff through the court email.  Most of the texts he just ignores because they have nothing to do with kid issues-just her harrassing him.
He will only engage on the court email system and only that if it has to do directly with the care of his children.  Everything else goes unanswered.
jenbren2006, that's excellent!  He is doing exactly the right thing.  I'm sure that it takes self control to ignore the garbage, and even if he doesn't respond to it, I'm sure it's stressful to see it rolling in.

Going back to part of your original post:

I'm thinking all that will happen is a little slap on her wrist and she will be sent on her merry way-basically no punishment at all.  Once this happens though we know she will use the email system because she will know that she will get in trouble otherwise.  It's really frustrating because I feel like she gets away with everything short of murder! 
Has anyone else's ex not used a court email system and what was the punishment.

It sounds like you think the judge's admonishment will be sufficient to stop the behavior?  If that ends up happening, then that is the most important thing.  Your husband should not have to suffer due to her bad behavior.  I am sure since you care for him, it is hard to see that happen.  And when we feel strongly about following the rules and treating others appropriately, it's only natural to feel like punishment should happen.  These situations are so upsetting one of the healthiest things we can do is to let go of worrying about things we don't have control over.  The chances are so small that punishments will happen and that they will be as stiff as we feel is appropriate, that we are just setting ourselves up for stress and disappointment. 

I'd suggest you worry simply about the inappropriate behavior stopping, and call it a victory if that happens.  If it continues to happen, there may be criminal penalties for violating a court order, and there may also be anti-stalking laws where you live, so your husband could file a complaint with the police or the district attorney.  That sort of thing takes a ton of energy, so you really don't want to bother with it if you don't have to. 

An even better strategy might be to continue to ignore the behavior and hope that it just dies off because she is getting no response.  How long has it been since the divorce?  How long has she been harassing him?

WW
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jenbren2006
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« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2018, 11:16:54 AM »


  How long has it been since the divorce?  How long has she been harassing him?


It has been 3 & 1/2 years since the divorce was final.  This behavior has never stopped.  We tried to get her for harrassing him a couple of years ago but at that time he was answering her texts so the cops said we were just as guilty as she was.  From that day on he has simply responded "stop" when she goes on a tirade of non-children issues via text.  This response was given to us by the police.   As soon as the email system from the court was ordered we knew it was a huge victory.  Only to come crashing back to reality minutes later when the texts never stopped.  I think after this custody battle on wednesday I will have my husband block her number.  The children are at his parents on his time (court approved) since we live 1000 miles away.  If a medical emergency occurs she can contact his parents and they can call him.  If the court won't enforce the system appropriately then we'll have to take steps to protect my husband.  All will tell on Wednesday.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2018, 11:52:49 AM »

Don't give up on the ordered email system.  It's a good idea worthy of being reintroduced, this time with Enforceable Teeth with Enforceable Consequences.  Sadly, courts figure parents will obey orders and so they don't include specific consequences.  Ack, not our ex-spouses!  After all this time the court ought to accept that stronger boundaries are needed, enforceable ones with clear consequences.

Remember that courts over time will notice which parent is more stable, child focused and comes to the court with practical solutions.  Be the proactive and solution-oriented litigants.

Reminds me what I heard years ago, ask a vague question and you won't get the answer you expect or want.  So if you have only complaints, even if valid ones, and not prepared to offer or propose solutions, who knows what the court will decide?
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jenbren2006
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« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2018, 04:31:43 PM »

This ended up almost exactly as I thought.  I thought she would at least get a slap on the wrist but she got nothing.  No consequences not even yelled at.  She was allowed to abuse the system once again and got exactly what she wanted.  So the texts are now coming in again and will never stop until my husband can legally block her number when he signs over his parental rights.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2018, 08:53:52 PM »

jenbren2006,

How old are the kids?  Who is your husband signing over his parental rights to?  His parents?  Will his ex have time?  What is the time split?

WW
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2018, 02:27:37 AM »


Did your lawyer submit a proposed order that had specific consequences for her behavior?

If she texts about a non-medical emergency then (consequence).

If she doesn't respond to court email withing (x time) then (consequence).


Furthermore, there should likely be an argument (after first round of consequences) that goes something like this (the pattern of behavior is not limited to communications... therefore... .(this would likely be harder)

FF
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david
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« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2018, 09:11:02 AM »

Your court order says email only so just delete the texts. I actually got rid of texting for a while to stop it completely. She found out I got it back during our court ordered co parent counseling. She brought it up in a meeting. I simply said our court order requires email communication and if I receive a text I would simply delete it without opening it. I received a text shortly after the meeting. I never opened it but saved it for the next meeting. It didn't come up so I deleted after the meeting. Our court order says that if an emergency occurs we are to leave a voicemail. IN the last ten years I have never needed to leave a voicemail.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2018, 04:52:06 PM »

This ended up almost exactly as I thought.  I thought she would at least get a slap on the wrist but she got nothing.  No consequences not even yelled at.  She was allowed to abuse the system once again and got exactly what she wanted.

Courts are very forgiving (or ignoring) of misbehaviors.  When we first separated, my ex had a Threat of DV case pending against her in one county court.  Once she got out she raced over to domestic (family) court and filed for her own protection order against me and included our preschooler, the one who 'saved' me from probably being carted off by the police on the day it all blew up.  Well, family court essentially ignored the other court's case and restrictions and ordered her temp custody and temp majority time, I got the crumbs of typical alternate weekend dad.  So there I was, with only alternate weekends, and I was protected by an order that assigned the house as my residence and she was not allowed to approach it without a police escort, not dismissed until 4 months later.  So ponder this, during those four months of that order she and our son had no choice but to live elsewhere.  She started out in the local DV shelter/home.

That in itself was not so strange, it got worse.  After a few months the temp protection orders were dismissed.  I recall the magistrate essentially staring at us that he didn't want to see us back in court again on similar ex parte complaints but only for long term solutions.  I took that to mean divorce actions.  Well, as soon as he walked out of the hearing room my then-separated spouse told me she would allow visits only if they were supervised.  Court had assigned me alternate weekends but when she got to decide it had to be supervised?  It was a case of, court is usually "less unfair" than the entitled obstructive parent.  I took almost a month to file the divorce papers and then court took almost two months to have a hearing.  When the same magistrate confirmed with her that she had blocked all father-child contact then he said, "I'll fix that."  He made a new temp order that was basically the same order as before, with me again as alternate weekend dad.  She did not get a lecture, finger wagging or any other consequence.  And I didn't get make-up time.

I get your frustration with court's inactions, I was blocked from my preschooler for over 3 months without basis beyond mother saying No and the court didn't blink an eye.
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jenbren2006
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« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2019, 12:40:35 PM »

Wanted to give everyone an update.  We have had this system in place now for about two years and it is amazing!  My husband uses Family Wizard as the only tool for communicating with his ex.  With this system he was able to block all phone calls and texts from her!  He has 48 hours to respond to her unless it's an emergency.  This has been an absolute blessing to us.  Hopefully this will give others some peace as well.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2019, 01:09:26 PM »

Thanks for the update!  We're glad your situation has improved.  It sounds like the key was for your husband to take the step to block her texts and phone calls, and rely entirely on the court-ordered system that was in place?

RC
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jenbren2006
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2019, 02:24:16 PM »

Yes, it took awhile for him to block her phone calls and texts because he felt he would get in trouble with the court for doing that even with the email in place.  But what happened is the judge completely justified his actions in this last trial and didn't blame him at all for blocking her.  She even said that if she was in his shoes she would block her too!
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2019, 03:53:45 PM »

My ex blocked my email address, so I concluded, just before the police came and picked her up at the start of our separation.  That was 2005 over 13 years ago.  No one cared that she, the other parent, didn't get my emails.  My ex preferred phone calls, until the court heard some of her phone calls and decided that she was disparaging Father in the calls which son could hear.  Since then she only wants to text, and rarely at that.
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