adult child struggling but she doesn't realize it

[helpformom]

My daughter is 26 and is back at home with us for the last few months, after a divorce to get back on her feet. In many ways she seems fine to the outside world, works two jobs and has empathy for the special needs kids she works with. On the flip side, she is causing upset in our home between my husband and I, usually on how to deal with her, and she clearly was a big part of her short marriage self destructing. I have recently learned some strategies from Stop Walking on Eggshells and feel I am trying to make progress on my own reactions to her rages and quit taking it personally. She storms out and then usually shows back up with no remorse what so ever. I know she is hurting, but instead of wanting to ever talk honestly, she blames alternately me or my husband for her problems and it is hard not to buy into that. She refuses any sort of therapy, although I have started going myself, thought this might be a good example for her. I know this is part of it (she is undiagnosed still) but it is wearing me out. It was easier in the years she was at school and married/working so it was not so constant. My husband is quick to react to her which certainly fuels the fire. Look forward to seeing what others have found helpful and sure looks like we are not alone!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi helpformum

Welcome   to the bpdfamily.  I'm glad you found us and are able to share your story, it is a great starting point just to be able to talk to others who understand and care about what you are going through 

You're so right; it's a difficult realisation when you're adult child is behaving in a way that is still so child like and we can see the destructive and exhausting consequences of their behaviour.    We fear for them and for ourselves and wonder if it will ever be different.  As parents, it is very hard to be hurt by those we love. 

Great that you are seeing a therapist, in particular as it is impacting your relationship with your husband.  Do you have other available support?

This site has a wealth of resources to assist in understanding BPD; a great place to start.  I have started reading Shari Manning's book - Learning to love someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and it has been very grounding.  Take care of yourself and I look forward to sharing your journey here. 

Merlot 

[Gallopaway]

Hello Helpformom,

Our 20 year old daughter was a college student and started dating a 19 year guy in the army. She has not been diagnosed but has all BPD traits. The therapist she was seeing during college said she has the maturity level of a 16 year old which we agree and have been concerned with her lack of growth after a full year of college 18 hours away from home. She came home for the Thanksgiving holiday and the day after sheimpulsively drove back to Savannah with her boyfriend and got married within a week and bought a puppy to comfort her.
She also does not think she has a problem, everyone else does. I am responding to your post because I have a feeling we will be in your shoes soon with our daughter and her 19 year husband getting divorced and she wanting to come home.
We don't know what we would do if she decides to leave her relationship but we don't want our daughter coming home and continuing to abuse us like she has for the past 6 years.
I am sorry you are going through this painful experience all over again with your daughter. I think I would insist she see a therapist if she wants to live with you. I would also make sure she agrees to the boundaries you set with her when it comes to how she treats you and your husband. If she cannot follow through, she may have to find a new place to live. She won't change how she treats you if you let her get away with it. This is just my opinion based on the therapy I am getting and the books I have read about BPD. Glad you are looking at Stop Walking on Eggshells again. I thought that book was very helpful.
I hope your relationships get better and your daughter realizes she needs help.

Gallopaway