When I got home, my family was gone | Part 3

[DaddyBear77]

My previous thread is here.

To recap, my first attorney called me on Wednesday and said she didn't think she was the best person to handle the case. She was afraid it would get ugly, quickly, and end up draining her resources and costing me too much. I took her referral, saw the new attorney on Thursday, and felt comfortable enough to move forward with her. I had consulted a third attorney before all this started, who was also very good, but did not have the same relationships as the second attorney.

On Friday I signed the retainer agreement with the new attorney.

This morning at 7am I got a note from my first attorney.  STBX's attorney was asking why we hadn't responded to her note from last week. Basically, the counter offer from STBX was, to hell with your 3-4-4-3 offer - you can pay for a new apartment for me, AND you can have our daughter every other weekend and for 4 hours on Wednesdays.

Anyway, long story short, before I even had a chance to get a hold of my new attorney, my old attorney is served with notice that STBX is filing a motion for temporary orders. My STBX says she wants, essentially, 90% of my paycheck in non-taxable support, thirty thousand dollars in lawyers fees, an agreement not to take our daughter out of the state, primary residential custody (decision making power), an agreement not to allow our daughter to see my grandparents, and an order compelling me to attend anger management classes.

In the filing, she's claiming she has had zero access to financial information and assumes I'm hiding money. On this point alone, I have so much proof that she knew exactly what was going on it's not funny. All the other horrible stuff aside for just a moment, how can she lie so openly and blatantly? She must know I can prove this stuff to be a lie, right?

Oh, she also went on to pull up every. single. e-mail, and discuss every.single.interaction that's happened since she filed, and has spun it to tell a story of further abuse. She also alleges more neglect because my daughter got a scrape while playing on the playground.

I mean, I know you guys brought all this up as a possibility, but seriously? I guess I should have kept her wrapped in bubble wrap with a video camera trained on her the whole time. This is all hitting me way too hard tonight. This is really tough stuff to read, and to have publicly filed like this.

I hope my lawyer has a really solid plan in the morning. I'm starting to rethink my decisions. I feel so lost. When I got home, my family was gone | Part 1
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 2
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 3
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 4
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 5
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 6

[livednlearned]

Deep breath.

Another take on this is that she has a lawyer who is seeking the most favorable bargaining position.

No one gets what they initially ask for, so there must be room to give things up.

It's hard to believe people would play negotiation games when it involves the well-being of kids and families, but that's the reality.

You now know what her hand is, and have a chance to respond with all your evidence. This is why evidence is so important.

This will be completely normal stuff for your L.

Anyone can present you with a document insisting you vacate your home and let them live there free until eternity.

Doesn't mean it's going to happen  

Keep breathing, and exercising, and eating, and sleeping 8 hours a night

[Skip]

Don't get emotionally invested in this stuff... .this is family court. It's highly adversarial process. You initial parenting gave her no weekends. Her's gives you 19% time.

This is important.

You can think this... .

the counter offer from STBX was, to hell with your 3-4-4-3 offer - you can pay for a new apartment for me, AND you can have our daughter every other weekend and for 4 hours on Wednesdays.

Or this... .
What is a parenting plan, and do I need one?

When parents cannot agree to a custody arrangement each party must submit a parenting plan to the court. The plan sets forth a proposal for the types of custody to be awarded, a schedule for parenting time and holidays, etc. The plan also includes important information about the parents and their employment.

How is custody decided?

The custody determination is based entirely on the best interests of the children. Some examples of the factors the court considers are:

    The parties ability to communicate and cooperate in matters pertaining to the child;
    The interaction of the child with its parents and siblings;
    The quality and continuity of the child’s education; and
    Any history of domestic violence.

They are hoping you will lose you cool. They want to keep you off balance.  It's how the game is played.

I'll ask the hard question... .do you have the ability to support a 50%/50% plan with your travel schedule?  What can you support?

The plan she is offering you is the Disney Parent plan... .you get the children every other week and you take them out and entertain them. She feeds, washes, and does the work.  I'm not suggesting you buy into her plan, but I am saying if there was no fight, what is the smart plan for the kids.

[prof]

Hey, DB -- hang in there!

I wish I could speak with a little more experience -- your wife is in a much better position than mine.  Mine shot herself in the foot by attempting suicide, getting herself hospitalized for a couple weeks, moving out of state, and not hiring an L.  But if she ever does hire one, I'm confident that I'll get hit with a similar legal document to yours claiming a ton of off-the-wall accusations about my horrible behavior.

I'll pass on my L's big advice to me.  Judges don't like to be lied to.  So do lots of things to show that you're not horrible, completely pulling out the rug from under her argument.

I've got screenshots upon screenshots of texts claiming that I'm this awful monster.  But does an awful monster really continue paying all her bills, allow her to video chat with S5 every night, bring S5 to her for 3 separate weeks during the past 3 months, pay close to $1000 to move all her belongings to her new place, etc.?

And as much as the divorce/custody situation sucks right now, I wouldn't trade it for a single day of our previous life living together in our toxic relationship.

[DaddyBear77]

I'll ask the hard question... .do you have the ability to support a 50%/50% plan with your travel schedule?  What can you support?

The plan she is offering you is the Disney Parent plan... .you get the children every other week and you take them out and entertain them. She feeds, washes, and does the work.  I'm not suggesting you buy into her plan, but I am saying if there was no fight, what is the smart plan for the kids.

Skip (and anyone else who doubts this),

What I truly, rationally believe is the very best thing for my daughter is to spend AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE with me, the stable, safe, emotionally available parent. Every single moment my daughter spends immersed in an environment full of the kind of anger, hate, narcicissim, emotionally instability, and tension my wife provides, is another moment i regret not doing more earlier.

Ive already spoken to my management 3 levels up and colleagues across the board. Every single one of them agrees that my proposed 3-2-2 schedule is a perfect fit for the role I’m in. Why am i traveling now? Im closing out the first 6 months of a new job, and training is intense. Even so, I did the analysis and ive been gone overnight 10 days in 5 months.

Even it none of that was true, i would quit my job tomorrow, downsize my life to whatever extent needed, just so i can provide that home for my daughter.

Heres an email i just provided for my attorney in support of my case - you tell me, is this the list of someone who is an uninvolved Dad who should be given the “Disney” plan as you call it?

   1   I have actively participated in the planning of, and attendance at, all medical appointments, including all obstetric appointments prior to D4’s birth. Although STBX was an active participant in several online communities that provided her with names of potential physicians, I actively participated in research related to medical coverage and other aspects of the selection process.
   2   I researched, interviewed, and provided primary input into the selection ofD4’s preschool. I coordinated all aspects of enrollment, including interview appointments and collection of all needed records, reports, and financial information. Over the approximately 2 years D4 has attended preschool, I have performed well over 50% of the pick ups and drop offs to and from the center. The teachers and staff at the center know me very well, and are accustomed to receiving most communication directly from me.  I have records and evidence of all of the above.
   3   I did all the research, coordination, and collection of records to register D4 for Kindergarten in our top rated school district. I continue to make bi monthly phone calls and daily monitoring of the district website in an effort to enroll D4 in the Kindergarten Extension program as soon as it becomes available. I intend to maintain a residence inside the district for the foreseeable future, either in the marital residence if possible, or more likely a smaller home or apartment in a nearby neighborhood.
   4   In recent months, our family has dined at restaurants most days each week. While at restaurants, I am almost exclusively the parent to sits near or next to D4 and prepare her meals for her to eat, including cutting any food, assisting with items such as soups or sauces, etc. When dining at home, I am usually the one to prepare the meals such as pasta, frozen pizzas, rotisserie chicken, microwave dinners, or heating and serving of other prepared meals obtained directly from the grocery store. I do all dishes at night 100% of the time, including all of D4’s tableware such as  drinking glasses, utensils, and other meal preparation dishes, pots, and pans. I remove all garbage and recycling from the kitchen to the outside trash receptacles, and also move the receptacles to the street on the appropriate nights.
   5   On the few occasions where D4 has attended a birthday party, playdate, or other extra curricular activity, I have arranged D4’s attendance directly with the parent(s) or entity in question. I have coordinated with D4’s care center on extracurricular aspects of her attendance such as permission slips, etc.
   6   I coordinated, screened, and jointly interviewed all caregivers that were jointly selected by STBX and I. This was done on three separate occasions. The first was approximately 2 years ago when we had a short term college student care for D4 on a couple of occasions. The second was a one-time arrangement of a caregiver while on vacation in Tokyo, Japan. The third was the selection of D4’s current caregiver Ms. S.
   7   For the past year, I have performed approximately 80% of the bathing and other hygiene for D4, including teeth brushing, baths, showers, and nightly toilet visits
   8   D4 has not attended as much instructional time at her Kindergarten Prep as originally planned, so approximately 3 months ago I obtained a year-long subscription to the ABC Mouse learning service. Through this service, I have provided D4 with Pre-K level instruction in math and reading approximately 2-3 times per week.

The question of my business travel obligations often come up in discussion. I'd like to provide specifics on what those obligations have been historically for the past 6 months, and what I expect for the next several months.

   •   Out of the past 120 working days, I have spent exactly 13 nights away from home (dates included)
   •   In that same time period, STBX has also spent 13 nights away from home - (dates included)

   •   Over the next several months, I expect a similar pattern of approximately 1 night away for every 10 working days for myself, which can easily be accommodated by the proposed 3-2-2 schedule.
   •   Over the next several months, I expect an even greater number of days that STBX will be traveling overnight, due to her grad school and related obligations.

[Skip]

Skip (and anyone else who doubts this)

DB, we are all here for you and trying to help. This is a highly emotionally charged and threatening situation. I get that. We all do. Please be careful not to over-react. It will just make your thinking cloudy and give them ammunition to use against you. Stay cool.  

Heres an email i just provided for my attorney in support of my case - you tell me, is this the list of someone who is an uninvolved Dad who should be given the “Disney” plan as you call it?

DB, I was an unofficial Disney dad for 4 years with an ex's children. We had them every other weekend and we were with them for 48 straight hours having great life experiences. They loved the time we spent with them - hated to ever leave - and we were close. We also didn't have to deal with day to day issues like "clean up your room"...

I'm not suggesting that this is for you. What I am saying is that the Disney parent can be so cool it is hard for the other parent to compete with.

The battle is not to win hours. The battle is for the children's hearts. Go for a schedule that will work for you and connect you.

What I truly, rationally believe is the very best thing for my daughter is to spend AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE with me, the stable, safe, emotionally available parent. Every single moment my daughter spends immersed in an environment full of the kind of anger, hate, narcissism, emotionally instability, and tension my wife provides... .

You are both attentive parents and not in prison or shooting drugs (family court has a pretty high hurdle to judge a parent as bad)  - the judge is most likely going to give you 50/50 or 40/60 unless the two of you make it clear that this the battle of the roses and you are going to fight each other to the death. 

I'm not questioning your commitment to your daughter or to parenting... .I'm saying don't lose you cool and get sucked into the battle. The judge has seen all this BS before, and many times.

It's natural to focus your energy of defending why to aren't a monster - but the most important thing is to establish a new stability and routine with your daughter that is a favorable environment that you can show the court. Get your family involved in developing this infrastructure. Dance lesson, play dates, baby sitters, events with school friends... .

This is a general comment - not a specific one to the latest threat.

[ForeverDad]

When we described to you what could happen in a high conflict case and to be prepared to protect yourself proactively, we didn't know whether it would happen in full, or partially.  Now that you know you got hit with all the scary allegations and demands, the "what could happen" issue is moot.  It happened and was on the extreme end of the conflict scale.  So take it in stride and move forward.

One thing I can comment on, looking back over my case, is that court didn't pay too much attention to all the allegations and counter allegations on the forms submitted.  What meant more was presenting evidence, your documentation, in court.

[Radcliff]

DB, it's OK to have the "as much time as possible" goal.  Tell that to your lawyer.  Then ask your lawyer, once he or she is fully up so speed, what is the most generous split you could argue for, and still seem like a reasonable parent?  Look at 50/50 as a default, and see if you can improve on that.  Understand from your lawyer the range of possible outcomes, and make plans to count anything in that range as a success.  Sorry to be lazy, but the plan you offered, what percentage time went to you?

The letter you shared with us, that's great for a confidence builder that you write for yourself, and share with friends like us.  Almost too much detail for your lawyer.  Cutting up food is very detailed.  The school stuff is great.  Not bad to have your lawyer read it and tell you what he or she thinks matters.  Logical thinkers and technical folk need to be careful not to appear like "down in the weeds" detail obsessed guys.  You are making the case that you are a very involved father, to the point of being a great candidate for primary parent.  Think about how to make this case verbally to an evaluator who probably has a psychology degree, and thinks in personal narratives rather than bullet lists.

WW

[formflier]

 I guess I should have kept her wrapped in bubble wrap with a video camera trained on her the whole time. This is all hitting me way too hard tonight.  

She would likely have still tried this.  Resist beating yourself up with shoulda coulda woulda... . Most likely it would not have mattered.  

High conflict people do high conflict thing... .like what she just did.

You now know (vice fear) that she will do these things, so discuss with your L how this affects strategy and tactics going forward.

Less immediate concern (that may help others):   Can you refresh us on why you moved away from first attorney?  It sounds like first attorney was not one to "handle" a high conflict case.

FF

[Radcliff]

DB, about the skinned knee, my wife's note to the custody evaluator contained something similar.  I never heard anything more about it.  Raising a skinned knee makes your wife look silly.  Don't react to it.

Thinking some more about your situation... .  Let's say, for the sake of argument you get 50/50 custody.  I'm not saying that should happen or should be your goal, but let's play it through so that you can be OK with a wide range of outcomes.  D4 is four years old.  It is huge that you are resolving this now, not when she is 14.  She would have been exposed full time to turmoil for another decade.  The next years before she is a teenager are very malleable years, and you are taking steps to make sure she has a stable situation in your future home for these important years.  Results with children are not linear.  If you have a kid half in a bad environment and half in a good environment, you don't necessarily get a kid that's half bad and half good (nor is any environment all good, and very few all bad).  If she is with you half time, you have the potential to achieve outsized results.  A special case of this is that you may remarry.  Let's say you take your time and remarry in five years, when she is nine.  You will almost certainly marry someone who is kind, intelligent, and caring -- the type of behavior you'd like your daughter to model.  Your daughter would have four years to observe a healthy relationship, with a healthy female role model nurturing her, before she becomes a teenager and starts to pick and choose what she will take from each household.  You have a lot of control over the outcome, and fourteen more years of fatherly dedication before she launches.

Another thought to consider is that if you end up getting majority time, you will really not have a lot of time for yourself.  This may seem selfish, but if we think only about your daughter's best interest, it means that you'll be more worn out when you're with her, not keeping up on your self care so you can be healthy for her.  You'll also have less time to date and search for that new female role model who also will feed your soul - and you are important, too!

WW

[david]

Your ex can ask for a whole bunch of things. It doesn't mean you have to agree with it or that the courts will agree with it. It's the way the game can be played.

During equitable distribution my ex claimed I took everything out of our house and valued it at 1.2 million dollars. She wrote four pages, in her handwriting, of things she claimed I took and their valuation.
 
Actually, she emptied the house of everything. She took all the electrical cover plates ( a total of 47 ) , the three toilet paper holders from the bathrooms, etc. I mean everything that wasn't nailed to the house. She trashed the house too and broke all kinds of things, I assume, she thought belonged to me. However, in the mess I discovered a disposable camera. I had the photos developed and it had a picture of a Haul truck in the driveway with the license plate. I went to Haul and told them my wife lost the receipt and we needed one for our taxes. The receipt had a storage unit on it too. She also took lots of pictures and put them on facebook not realizing we were still friends. I copied all the photos on facebook. Many of them were pictures of the things she claimed I took.
 
I told my attorney I would write the response to her claims. He thought that was unusual and told me I needed to give it to him at least a week before the conference. I basically agree with her monetary valuation and used the photos to show she was in possession of the items. I simply requested my half in cash. My attorney loved it.

During the conference I said nothing. Ex attacked me and then her attorney jumped in. My attorney stopped it at that point and gave her attorney a few of the photos. Ex and her attorney left the room quickly. When they returned they agreed with everything I was requesting. I could have gone to court and got a few thousand more dollars but that would have required me to be married for another 6 to 10 months. It was a very easy decision on my part.

My ex made all kinds of accusations in the beginning. Many hurt. As I became emotionally detached things got easier. Her accusations no longer bothered me. In fact, I started felling sorry for someone that needed to do such things to protect their own psyche.

This all started in 2007. I have a great relationship with our boys. I have a great relationship with my stepsons ( her kids from her first marriage) Ex does not. Of course, it's all my fault because I brainwashed them.

[livednlearned]

What's the strategy for dealing with the reconciliation agreement?

[mama-wolf]

Hi DB,

I have been pretty wrapped up in my own turmoil, getting ready to walk through a similar fire, so I’m just getting caught up on the latest updates of your situation.  I hear the pain and anger from you and I know I will soon experience the same.  I don’t have a lot of solid advice to offer, but sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone.

You (and I) are at the beginning of what will be a very long and exhausting journey.  Pace yourself and remember that the people on this board are here to help. No one here doubts your devotion to the well-being of your daughter.  You will get through this!

mw

[Notwendy]

I don't have advice about divorce but I have read this thread and it is rich in good advice.

I want to echo Wentworth's advice about carving time for yourself. It is admirable and good to protect your daughter from her mother's toxic behaviors and ask for as much custody time as you wish,  but from my own experience with a BPD mother, no matter what the arrangement, she will spend some time with her mother and her mother is likely to have an influence on her in probably some desirable and not desirable ways- as you likely will too. It helps to have positive role models in her life and to be one. My father's FOO had considerable positive influence on me growing up.

Forming a parent-child bond with a child does involve time, but also emotional capacity as well as shared experiences and hands on parenting- the good stuff and the tough stuff ( discipline, limits, boundaries). Depending on the extent of the BPD, the emotional capacity for parenting can be limited.

From my own experience, my emotional bond with my father was greater. I regard him as my only "parent" in the parenting sense. My mother is the only mother I have, but by my early adolescence, I felt emotionally older than her and she enlisted me as her emotional caretaker and helper, not what I think a mother is like. Like the letter you wrote your lawyer, it was my father who drove us to school, took us out to eat, on outings, helped with homework and did the parenting tough stuff. It was my father who consoled me when I experienced my first break up with a boyfriend, who dealt with homework, and most of the hands on parenting. It seemed to be our role to help my mother - and not to ask her to help or console us so we did turn to our dad for help and advice. Between both parents, he had the most influence on who I am as a person and who I wanted to be growing up. But what was not obvious to either of us is that he also taught me to be co-dependent.

These dysfunctional dynamics do not disappear with divorce unless we are mindful of them and work to change them. You are already doing this, but these changes take time. At the moment, much is about your daughter- as it should be. She is dependent on you right now. However, if you make this all about her and lose who you are in the process, you could be depriving her of the father she needs in the long run- your authentic self. So be mindful of the posts that tell you to take time and resources for yourself too. Protect your daughter from emotional harm but stay mindful of becoming a rescuer on the drama triangle. You can divorce her mother, but this is the mother she has and as she matures she needs to learn how to deal with her mother herself.

You know from my posts that the resources in my FOO went almost entirely to my mother's wishes to the point where my father went into debt. As a result, we kids did with less. Our basic needs were met: education, home, health care- but I learned to work early on to earn extras as asking my dad for even a small amount of spending money often led to him snapping at us. The stress of debt affected him like that. I doubt he wanted to be that way and know you don't either. Provide for your daughter's needs and some of her wishes, but you don't need to break the bank for her happiness. I am grateful that my father provided for a lot of what I had growing up, but also grateful that he didn't provide for all of it and that I learned the value of a dollar and how to provide for myself. A valuable lesson was observing that although my father indulged my mother's material wishes, it didn't seem to relieve her of her issues with BPD.

I agree with the other posters that being the emotionally stable dad and spending as much time as you can doing actual parenting with your child will likely result in you having a strong emotional bond with her. However, by taking care of yourself and standing up for yourself, you can also change the potential outcome for your D's future relationships by not role modeling co-dependency. It will also help to teach her how to relate to her mother better.

You can also change the future for yourself. Wentworth mentioned finding another partner one day. That may not be immediately on your mind now ( and from what I have read about dating after a divorce,  best not to do this for a while) but the best chance of having the kind of relationship you wish for is to work on yourself and reduce co-dependent tendencies. It could be win - win for both you and your daughter.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone - i am so overwhelmed by the replies here. This has been such an amazing place with wonderful people and im so greatful.

I wanted to first reply quickly and say i am doing great. My new lawyer is on the case and her office is preparing responses as we speak. Ill elaborate tomorrow.

More importantly, i put everything aside for 4 days and spent the time with my mother and father. They were so incredibly happy to see me and i was so happy to see them. It has been a life changing weekend in so many ways.

I will reply more after i get some sleep. Thank you all!

[Radcliff]

DB,

I'm glad you were able to spend a block of time connecting with your folks!  Fantastic!  Looking forward to your next update.

WW

[DaddyBear77]

On the night of May 8th, I decided to write a post to my friends on Facebook. I disclosed my pending divorce, gave a little back story, and thanked everyone for their support and talked about being excited for a new start. The outpouring of love and compassion and support from my friends and family was just phenomenal. I can't tell you how amazing it all made me feel to know that I had such great friends who cared and were happy to see me coping so well.

Now, I have over one hundred friends on Facebook. I've known each and every one of them in "real life" at some point in my life. Some I've been in touch with recently, including the former romantic partner I spoke about. She and I still talk very occasionally, but it's kind of clear that this friend is repeating the same pattern from the past. I felt loved, and I still feel the connection, but that faded quickly.

But on the night of May 9th, another friend I knew when I was 9 or 10 years old, send me an instant message out of the blue. We had no prior romantic involvement, but I certainly "noticed" her when we were younger. She said to me, basically, I know what you're going through. I want you to know I'm here if you want to talk. My marriage is ending in a very similar way, so I'm sorry you're facing it too. I was both happy to hear a friend reach out, but also sad to hear about her marriage.

I responded.

10 hours later, we wrapped up our extremely mutual, two sided conversation where we both shared the details of our partner's behaviors, the things we were experiencing, the things we were doing to prepare for our divorces, the things our children - my D4, her D3 and S5 - were going through. We both had legal nuptial agreements to deal with that were extremely one-sided and very unfavorable.

Long story short, we hit it off. Big time.

For the next few days, we talked constantly. I asked questions, she answered. She asked questions, I answered. We had mutual attraction, clearly. We remembered vivid details all the way back to our childhood years. We both knew about BPD and NPD. I was constantly checking my feelings, wondering if this was just a fling. I kept wondering if I was falling into another BPD / NPD trap - love bombing, desire to be rescued.

I really don't think so. I really think this person is the real deal.

So, we agree to meet. We're both being extremely cautious. Our divorces are brand new. We're both really vulnerable. We both know to take things slow, to get to know each other. But neither of us can deny the feelings we feel.

This morning was that meeting, and oh my goodness, it was amazing. I said this to her today, and I meant it - I've only ever felt what I felt today 2 other times in my life - once with my first love in High School, and then again when my daughter was born.

Look, I am fully aware of exactly how vulnerable I am right now to exactly this kind of thing. I know that I'm not "healed" or "cured" of all the bad behaviors and dysfunctional relationship tools I've used in the past. But each and every step of this, I've taken a deep breath - I've said things like, "don't say what you think she wants to hear, just say what you feel" and "you cannot rescue her. Do NOT try and rescue her." And, for her part, she's doing the same thing - she's not looking to be rescued, nor is she trying to rescue me. We know we need to heal, so we're both seeking our own support - therapists, counselors, all that stuff.

I will also add, I was NOT looking for this. I was NOT prepared to start looking for dates until a LONG time from now. But this just... .happened! Neither of us wanted to go as far as we did, but we just kept falling further and further for each other.

I don't know - am I deluding myself? Is this doomed to failure? I know you don't know any more than I do. But what do I look out for here, other than what I already am? What if this is the one? I'm not just going to say no! I don't feel like saying No even if I should, so I'm not sure I could even say it if I "had" to!

All I know is that I feel happier today than I have in over 22 years, for many reasons. One is her. The other is just life and being free from my relationship that was so toxic.

But a huge part is definitely her  

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone, thank you so much, again. As I step through this process, I realize that every time something else comes up, I have at least some preparation because of what I've learned and read about here.

SO very much has gone on in my life in the 10 days since I started this post. I'll stick to the legal matters on this thread, but I've started a post on the Detaching board to discuss some of the emotional / relationship matters. You can find it here.

My attorney is fully engaged now. I needed some additional funds for the new retainer, so while I was visiting with my parents this weekend, they offered me a loan. I accepted, and on advice of my attorney, they signed a promissory note with me. This was to eliminate the appearance that I have some sort of unlimited funding source with my parents. I do not.

One of the main reasons I switched attorneys on the advice of my previous attorney was the size of the legal team behind each one. My first attorney was just one person. She had a paralegal assistant, but that's it. My new firm has 3 partners, 4 or 5 associates, and an entire support staff. I get responses from someone in minutes, or at the most, a few hours. THIS is a huge improvement and puts my mind at considerable ease.

I've gotten quite a bit of the way through Splitting again. I'm realizing how each element of the book has relevance at different stages. After this read-through, I will have a good idea of which section to lean on for each part.

Specifically, I understand now the importance of staying grounded and removing as much emotion as possible. While I can't (and won't) be UNemotional, I am learning to lean on my emotional support structure to think things out before I just relay everything to my attorney.

To that end, my attorney has two outstanding responses to the court that they need to prepare, and for each of those responses they have a consolidated document from me which details dates, amounts, etc. The first is the response to the complaint and the counter claim. That I will review this week and it will be filed next week. The second is the motion for temporary custody. Again, my long set of notes about when I cut up her food (haha) and all that is summarized to state that I would ask for a 3-2-2 50/50 parenting plan. (with a draft plan attached potentially to the filing).

The other part is the financials, and here's the strategy for dealing with that - I mentioned the pos nup / reconciliation agreement. So we feel we have enough to attack the agreement - lack of representation, the unfairness, changes in circumstances and the law. The strategy is to make it appear as though we're going to challenge the agreement. This is a tool for leverage, in the hopes that we can get an agreement to change some of the terms. If we have to, we will be able to follow through. It will be expensive, though, and so in the end, we discussed the impacts of just dropping the challenge and letting it stand. That's not a BAD option, when you take into account the legal fees needed to void it. So in the end, we're just going to take it easy, but appear as though we're playing hard ball.

To be honest, I'm not worried either way - if it sticks, I pay a lot less alimony than would otherwise be required, but pay it for longer. I take on a lot of debt, which I can pay if the alimony is lower. She gets to keep all the fancy jewels and her car, which I would hate to pull out from under her anyway. She also keeps the equity in the house. Because we've put two mortgages on it, there isn't much anyway. To fight it, I might get more assets, and less debt, but I'd pay more alimony per month (for a shorter period), but a lot of the assets would get liquidated to pay for legal costs anyway.

So that's the story as of now. What I will say about the parenting issues and the stable home stuff, and in particular the finding of a new Mrs. DaddyBear, well, take a look at my thread on Detaching.

[Radcliff]

DB,

Thanks for the update!  That's fantastic to hear that you are happy with your lawyer and your plan.  You've come a long way in just a few short weeks!  Keep us posted!

WW

[Radcliff]

DB,

That is freaking awesome!  No it is not doomed, but as you'd expect, there are some challenges.  Having given this topic some thought one thing I think you'll run into is just the amount of hard work you're each going to have to do to separate from your current marriages.  Regardless of BPD or not, relationships take a lot of work.  There may be times when one of you is feeling emotional enough or otherwise off your game, that you're not able to deliver as a romantic partner.  Since you're not yet clear of your current marriage, you will essentially have two relationships going on at once, juggling two women (yes, I know your marriage is no longer a romance, but you're still managing a complicated relationship).  A romantic pairing comes with expectations of romantic availability.  There may come a time when you're off your game because of what you're going through, and you say the wrong thing to her or somehow hurt her feelings.

On the other hand, romances that are built on previous friendships can have real strength.  My thought is that you may find it beneficial to stay platonic for a while, friends looking forward to future romance, until each of you is through the worst of it.  You can support each other and build up trust, goodwill, and love as friends, and this can form the basis for later romance.  You may find this advice hard to follow (or it may be coming too late!  ).  If so, have fun, and good luck!

How far away does she live from you?

WW