Struggling with the emotional fallout of my daughter's regressive behavior

[Amara R]

Hello, I have an adopted daughter who I adopted at 16 years old. She is 20 now and lives with her bf a couple hours away. We are struggling to address what our relationship should look like now that she is an adult so that it meets her needs but is also appropriate for her age. She is a strong and wonderful woman who has made it through a lot. The issue I guess I am facing is the regressive behaviour she demonstrates when we interact and the expectation that I will be available to her as  I was when we lived together despite the distance and change in dynamics (her being 20) and life. I got married when she was 18 to a husband that is very supportive to her. When she is in a good space everything is fine, but if she wants me and I don't drop my life and come running she (she often exaggerates the seriousness of situations) starts on a barrage of how I am not there for her, don't love her like I used to, my husband doesn't live her, our relationship is toxic, she is never talking to me again, etc. I understand that a lot of the behaviour is related to her disorder and that clear boundaries and expectations are important, but I struggle with the emotional fall out regardless. I guess  I just was hoping to hear that I am not alone in that... .I've read the books and have a background in mental health so know it's true logically but it's hard to explain the relationship to others who don't really live it, if that makes sense? So I guess, hello, anyone know what I mean?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hi!

Welcome here and while I'm sorry you had to find us, I'm glad you found us.

I feel for you.  Many people here have been in or are currently in similar situations.  You are not alone.

Has your daughter actually been diagnosed BPD?  There are some great resources around here for setting boundaries, which have helped me immensely with my 19 year old Dear Daughter (DD19).  Take a look at the resource thread in here, and come back often.

-jyw