I just saw something in myself and I'm happy crying over it

[Tattered Heart]

A friend on FB just posted a comment about how her life has been in a downward spiral for a long time and she needs to change so she doesn't lose the things most important to her. I read through the comments and everyone is telling her how great she is, saying she is just perfect the way she is, offering to spend time with her, giving "hugs", telling her they love her, etc. Lots of fixing type behavior.

I responded by saying it's brave of her to look at herself and realize she needs to make changes, etc. etc.

And then it dawned on me. My first instinct is no longer to "fix" someone's uncomfortable emotions. This is HUGE! I completely 100%ly owe it to my time here on this site. I have stopped fixing my H's sad, angry, hurt, insecurities, etc. When he would make negative statements about himsekf my first reaction was always to tell him he is wrong or to try to change his perspective. IT would look like this:

H: My boss likes my co-worker better
Me: You're a great employee. It's ok. Don't let it stress you out. (Give a hug) You're great to me.

I don't remember the last time I did that. Now our conversation would go like this:

H: My boss likes my co-worker better.
Me: That sucks. I know that's been a concern of yours for awhile. Did something happen that is making you feel that way?

Looking back on some other recent FB posts, other friends were emoting and like the above posts others began to fix the emotions. My response was validating and asked questions about their situation. And the friend who posted ignored all the other "fixing behavior" posts and respond to my questions with a "thanks for helping" answer. There really is something empowering in validating and empathetic questions.

Anyway, just wanted to share this little victory with you guys because sometimes we don't realize a change has taken place in ourselves until way after the fact.

What little victories have you had lately?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi TH,

Doesn't it feel great when you realize you have made a positive change, and that it's so natural now that it is your first instinct? Great job!

I recently found out that my uBPDh was sentenced to eleven months and twenty-nine days in jail, with credit for the three months he has already spent in there. He was not court-ordered to do rehab or mental health treatment; he will have to seek that out on his own after his release, which will probably be a condition if he requests to be allowed to see his children. He is nc with them until the court determines differently at this point.  And my first reaction three months ago would have been to start planning where he is going to go, what treatment centers he could possibly enter upon his release, preparing to arrange necessary transportation, and otherwise setting up a "game plan" for him. Today, my first thought was "Well, I hope he makes his own plans before he gets out because he's not coming here."

Yay for me! I didn't immediately think that was my problem to solve! Thanks bpdfamily!

Redeemed

[CautiousHope]

Something that I've noticed in my brief experience with a person that I suspect to have BPD and the subsequent reading of these forums is the remarkable personal growth that seems to result. For me, I can't help but look at my own experience as a gift. It was like he took me straight to my core wound and showed me exactly the parts that still needed to be healed. It makes my heart smile to read things like this, "little" victories that are truly big victories in personal growth and change.

[once removed]

congratulations TH!

these kinds of changes first require the self awareness, but then a lot of practice, and often times they can still rear their head, but we dont proceed with that instinct. it really does make life easier, and it feels good to notice our growth.

on the flipside, the "correcter" in me now has all kinds of pet peeves, like the ones you describe, but years back i would have acted on something like that.

[Notgoneyet]

 TH,
  Wow thank you for helping me just realize an AH HAH moment myself after reading your post. 
  I'm realizing that I was just doing the that very thing this afternoon when my BPDw was telling me how much grief her new boss was giving her for being a few minutes late to her brand new job. She was getting Angry & upset at the way he was treating her and I started trying to sooth her with don't worry your a great employee and once they get to know you ,Blah, blah.
   Waited 15mins. for her in the driveway before she came out to go this morning.
  I don't do it all the time now that I'm aware but its still a habit that's easy to fall back into. 
 Growing better everyday!
   Notgoneyet

[RolandOfEld]

Congrats, TH! That is something I've learned to do better on my time here, too. It's a great side effect of coping with someone else's illness that we grow as human beings. I like to think about who I can be some day when all of this chaos is behind me and I only have a normal life to deal with. Feels like I'd be able to lift 20 tons of ordinary people problems with one hand. 

Yrs,
~ROE

[Tattered Heart]

Congratulations to all of you for the things that you have learned too! I Am Redeemed, great job not trying to control the aspects of your H's sentencing. I can imagine that is hard, especially because whatever happens could affect the kids.

once removed I definitely will need to make sure I don't slip into old patterns, espeically in times when I am feeling stressed or just not up to par.

notgoneyet I'm glad my example helped. How funny that my made up example was exactly what you experienced today.

CautiousHope Yes it is a gift. It may not seem like it when we are in the midst of it, but when you look back at what you've been through and overcome, the tools and things I've learned about myself and living with a pwBPD are the same tools that I can use at work, with friends, family, and even strangers. It makes me more compassionate in handling other people who are being emotional because most emotional people never reach the level of my H so it's a piece of cake.