How do I ask for written communication?

[empath]

The background: My uBPDh has resigned from all his church ministries, moved out and talked with a lawyer about divorce - within the past 6 days. When he was telling me about the resignation, I noticed nail marks on his legs and didn't say anything.

The last I talked with him about his intents, he seemed to want space so that we could work on things and still have a relationship. He is also staying with a friend who has been encouraging him to pursue divorce. Now, he wants to meet to "go over things".

I don't trust what he is saying verbally at this point - my sense is that he is very dysregulated and making decisions out of his emotional pain rather than logically. I want to ask for communication in written form at this point.

What is the best way to do that?

[SunandMoon]

Hi Empath

I'm sorry this has happened... .it sounds like a tough 6 days.

If I wanted written communication, I wouldn't ask. I'd just send an email saying something along the lines of "I don't want to meet at moment and I feel more comfortable talking via email so that we can communicate without becoming emotional". Something like that... .

Avoid any reference to "written communication" as he might think you are gathering evidence and keep it short and sweet wherever possible, no need to explain too much.

If he rarely checks his email, maybe send him a short text to let him know you've sent one.

I hope this helps... .

[empath]

That's what I ended up doing. Basically, at this point with the emotions running high, I'm more comfortable with email communication. He agreed, and it has gone much better that way. As I've thought about it, I also have avoided the whole 'you did' and have been more focused on I and describing the situation.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi empath,

Something I'd like to share with you as you move forward, it's called the BIFF Technique for E-Mail Communication.

It's a really good strategy to help take the emotion out of written communication, and can also help protect you if and when you start down the path of divorce.

Can I ask, did you end up going over the things he wanted to go over? Do you still feel like he's committed to working on the relationship? Or has he taken a step in the other direction now toward divorce?

[empath]

DB, that is really good. I have that book, but in the middle of it all, I forgot about it. He wrote out what he wanted to go over - basic information about divorcing in our state, most of which I already knew. The only exception was to 'separate' finances, and his interpretation was that he would be in control of everything.

He has realized that divorce is very expensive if he uses a lawyer (it would also require him to plan financially - not something that is easy for him). He has also gone from being 'firm' in his decision to not necessarily wanting divorce. The email also gives back up evidence for what has been communicated - and he admits that he is confused.

He's got a therapy appointment scheduled in a couple of days and is in his own apartment now.