Tough times

[jefferson]

Hello,
Thank you for letting me join the group. 
My daughter has BPD.  Recent events have made her extremely angry with me and she has decided to cut me out of her life.  She is almost 25 and is in a very destructive relationship.  Tonight I am pretty overwhelmed with sadness and just looking for a little support/insight.  This is my first post so I hope its appropriate. 
Not sure how much to share and feeling very vulnerable. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

No limits on sharing here,  jefferson. I'm glad you reached out.  The more we know, the better we can support you. 

What recent events resulted in her extreme anger? Has she cut you off emotionally before like this?

[jefferson]

Thanks for the reply.
Its a very emotional situation.  She has 2 children and has been in a live in relationship with someone for almost 2 years.  It became apparent that he was becoming verbally abusive and her behavior was changing toward our family.  Recently she reached out and admitted that he was physically abusive in front of the children and she was ready to leave.  We offered her a safe place to bring the kids where she could stay and attend an IOP to get some help.  Boundaries were placed and within just a few days I came home to find the Ahole in our home.  Soo we told her the arrangement was not going to work if she couldn't respect our boundaries and the next day she was back in the abusers home with our grandchildren.  I have maintained contact with the kids father and long story short we encouraged him to seek legal help to get the kids into his care where they would be safe and not subject to that dysfunctional relationship.  It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.  When she found out that we were behind it she became outraged and told others that "my mom stole my kids and gave them to my ex husband"   My husband, my older daughter and I all received a text to "never speak to her again".   She also told me that she will do anything to get her kids back just so that I can never see them again.  Extremely hurtful and intentional. 
I was reading the thread about Silence treatment.  WOW.  So helpful. 
There is no doubt in my mind that we made the right decision to do what we did for our grandchildren.  She has NEVER used silence before.  This is a new behavior and it is really painful.  I will be doing some further research to get a better understanding of the concept.  Tonight I was just overwhelmed with the initial sadness of not getting to communicate with her. 

[Turkish]

That's a very complicated situation and it's unfortunate that she found out that you were involved, but you did the right thing to keep your grandbabies safe. Their father wouldn't have been able to take legal custody if the danger wasn't real, yes? Exposing children to repeated domestic violence is a crime, even if one is the victim.

[Hopetoo]

Many of our decisions don't result in a happy ending for everyone.  I suspect your decision to reach out to your grand-children's father was done out of love and concern for everyone, including your daughter. She is choosing not to protect herself yet and she was not choosing to protect her vulnerable children.  The children could not choose so a responsible person needed to step in and help them.  That person was you and I applaud you for doing the hard thing. You chose to act and that is a good thing.  Good things sometimes have messy results.  Your daughter's angry words and silent treatment are her responsibility.  You know that and maybe one day she will accept that too.  Until then, you have taken action to protect the family that could not protect themselves.

I have son who blames me for his suffering and uses the silent treatment as well and it hurts me and he knows it.  He also tells stories about what I have done because he knows I care what other's think of me. I manage my hurt by knowing that my boundaries and choice to stick to my value system and not his is what is right for me.  Doesn't make it easy just easier.

[jefferson]

Good Morning!  I was so happy to wake up to some very positive comments. 
Doing the right thing is sometimes the most painful but those babies need a stable environment so that they can thrive.  My hope is of course that she will get proper therapy to learn how to deal with her emotions in a healthy way.  AND get out of the cycle of abuse.  Without therapy I am certain that she will just find a different abuser if she leaves the current one.  Is is so difficult as a parent to see her make bad choices and have so little self esteem.  I guess that is one of the elements of BPD. 
I will continue to be part of this group.  It is so therapeutic to speak with others who actually know what its like to live with a loved one who has BPD. 
Thank you! 

[HurtBrooklyn]

I think you did the right thing for your grandchildren.  You really had no choice but to protect them. My BP daughter effectively uses silence as one of her hurtful weapons against me. I do believe your daughter's silence is temporary. I wish you all the best in navigating through this.

[beatricex]

Hi jefferson,
I really felt the raw emotion in your post and I'm so glad you shared more.  Sometimes, when it's a very heavy topic (kids being removed from their parents' home, abuse) I like to take a couple days to respond, in order to be more mindful and think about a good response.  I felt your sadness too.

I hope you have found some peace and I'm here to listen.

As an adult child of an abusive home, I do think that a grandparent listening, reaching out, and in your case intervening, is vitally important.  Just curious if the children will have a memory of this?  How old are they?

((jefferson)
B

[jefferson]

Hello,
Thank you for additional responses.  I am really sorry that your daughter uses this tactic with you.  It is the first time for this behavior so it is painful.  She knows that I am an advocate of communicating, therefore it is effective for causing us pain.  I am glad that you set boundaries. 
The kids are young enough that they shouldnt have memory of this event.  The oldest is 5 however so he has already formed some emotional responses and behaviors that will take time to change.  He was becoming a protector instead of just being a kid.  I am thankful for your response and happy to see you here in a support group. 

[jefferson]

I have received several pics and videos of my grandchildren since they went to stay with Dad and stepmom.  They seem truly happy in the new home which makes me happy.  I havent asked about contact with my daughter.  She still is keeping it silent with me and my husband.  My older daughter told me tonight that she was talking/facetiming with them often up until last week when they had a hearing with the lawyer.  Since then it has diminished.  My husband had to remind me that she is selfish and her behavior will reflect that. 
It was a difficult reality, but true.  Possibly she thinks she is doing everything that she can to get them back.  Who knows what she is thinking?  Surely I do not. 
I am just so happy to get feedback that shows the grandkids thriving. 
That was our goal and I am trying to focus on that as difficult as it is.