Time passes, situation stays the same...

[MiaP]

Hi,

I haven't posted in a while and at this point I'm not really sure on which board to post.

My partner of 8 years has BPD, we have a 3 year old daughter and his 15 year old daughter from his previous marriage also lives with me. Two years ago he left me, but has been trying to get back ever since.

I had made up my mind that this relationship was completely over but I didn't stay strong on that decision... .

We have been in a perhaps strange situation of being together but living in different houses; a few nights a week he would stay with me and the girls at our house. Maybe it hasn't been good for any of us.

Reading Margalis Fjelstad "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" one sentence stook with me: You can't do this alone. This is always on the back of my mind but still I have tried hard to do this alone. I never told anyone in my family I think he is BPD and what I've been going through. Why, I don't really know, I suppose it's a mix of shame and fear. Also, not sure how to explain this to other people. Any advice on how to talk to family members about it?

I have been on antidepressants for about a year and finally found a terapist (I've been to 2 appointments so far). Just a couple of days ago I told my brother about personality disorders and that I think my ex is BPD. I didn't elaborate any further but having told him is a big step for me.

I don't want to be with him anymore, I miss the "good" him, the good times with him but the "bad" him, the blaming, putting up with rages it's getting to me. The guilt of not being able to protect his older daughter from his rages too.

After all this time I still don't know how to overcome the fear I have of his rages, the fear that he'll start to drink and after that who knows how bad his rages will get... .The fear and wanting him to be a parent, to be present and spend time with his daughters has kept me in this situation and I still haven't found my way out of it... .

[DaddyBear77]

Hi MiaP, I'm really glad you're back. Thank you for posting this!

Things seem really confusing and complicated for you right now, I'm really sorry. Are you married to your partner? Is there any sort of custody or financial agreement in place?

It also sounds like you're still having fear of his rages and his drinking. I haven't gone back to read your past story, but can you tell me, what kinds of things are you worried about? What kinds of things have happened in the past when he raged? When he drank?

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" is a great book, one I've read and re-read many times. I think as a Caretaker, we lack specific knowledge, experience, and abilities, or else we probably wouldn't be where we are. I think that's the most important thing she's talking about with needing other people. I think it's great you've found a therapist, and I've also found that antidepressants help quite a bit. Are there any other ways that you take care of yourself? Are there other things in your daily life that help recharge you?

My advice on talking to family members is that it's best to be as honest and authentic as we can be with the people we love. Often times, our family and friends already know something is up. Maybe it's in the way that we've changed since we were single. Maybe it's the way we said something, or the way we didn't say something. It's also important to do so only when it's safe based on past experiences. I think it's important not to share because we feel we should, but because we want to and because we sense it will be safe. How is your relationship with your family in general? Are you close? Do you speak with them often about other subjects?

Thanks again for coming back to post, MiaP - I'm looking forward to hearing more!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MiaP, Welcome back.  What would you like to see happen?  It seems like you are on the fence about this r/s.  Is it right for you?  Only you know for sure.  Are you afraid to make a change?  If so, that's normal.

LuckyJim

[The Cookster]

Hi,

I haven't posted in a while and at this point I'm not really sure on which board to post.

My partner of 8 years has BPD, we have a 3 year old daughter and his 15 year old daughter from his previous marriage also lives with me. Two years ago he left me, but has been trying to get back ever since.

I had made up my mind that this relationship was completely over but I didn't stay strong on that decision... .

We have been in a perhaps strange situation of being together but living in different houses; a few nights a week he would stay with me and the girls at our house. Maybe it hasn't been good for any of us.

Reading Margalis Fjelstad "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" one sentence stook with me: You can't do this alone. This is always on the back of my mind but still I have tried hard to do this alone. I never told anyone in my family I think he is BPD and what I've been going through. Why, I don't really know, I suppose it's a mix of shame and fear. Also, not sure how to explain this to other people. Any advice on how to talk to family members about it?

I have been on antidepressants for about a year and finally found a terapist (I've been to 2 appointments so far). Just a couple of days ago I told my brother about personality disorders and that I think my ex is BPD. I didn't elaborate any further but having told him is a big step for me.

I don't want to be with him anymore, I miss the "good" him, the good times with him but the "bad" him, the blaming, putting up with rages it's getting to me. The guilt of not being able to protect his older daughter from his rages too.

After all this time I still don't know how to overcome the fear I have of his rages, the fear that he'll start to drink and after that who knows how bad his rages will get... .The fear and wanting him to be a parent, to be present and spend time with his daughters has kept me in this situation and I still haven't found my way out of it... .

[The Cookster]

As it says, I'm a newbie (not in life, only this group) the only thing I can share is that even my 2nd try at marriage to him has resulted in the exact same reasons I left before. It seems the very nature of the disorder prevents him from getting help: he's NEVER wrong. Alcoholic, rages, lack of drive (lazy), sense of entitlement, rude to me but NEVER wrong. I wish you luck and love.

[MiaP]

I am totally on the fence about this r/s! I'm having a hard time figuring out what I really want; most of the times I feel as if I have it all figured out and just want out of this consuming r/s. However, whenever there is a moment when he is in his good mood, I still feel a sparkle of hope.

Before I had even ever heard of BPD, I knew something was off and I made a conscious decision to stay in the relationship. After learning about BPD and being confronted with more problematic behaviour I still wanted to stay.

After our child was born he went into a spiral of problematic behaviour and eventually he moved out. It was a very hard time mainly because he was complety dysregulated, blaming me of all the problems, acusing me of throwing him out of the house and a very long list of other things; in his head he was reliving his first divorce and got to a point when he acused me of saying things which I had never said to him (his first wife did!). I couldn't even change the place of furniture and much less his objects in the house or he would get into an enormous rage (even thought he wasn't living there anymore... .).

For a while I just worked on not making things worse, trying to respond in a diferent way, changing the way I react towards him. It helped and he did get better, kept strong on his promise not to drink, he's on medication and has been in therapy for a couple of months now. I know he tries very hard. However, I don't think he will ever return to his "state" before the birth of our child. Even that might not be enough for me anymore…

After that, I decided I had to take care of myself, I had to get better because I had 2 children in the house that needed me and I felt really depressed, no energy, no patience whatsoever for the children.

Antidepressants helped but now I feel that I need to take a step forward and change the situation or else I'll be back to feeling worse pretty soon; it's as if the antidepressants helped but now I need to  take efetive action to change the situation. And yes, I have to admit I am afraid to make a change.

Things seem really confusing and complicated for you right now, I'm really sorry. Are you married to your partner? Is there any sort of custody or financial agreement in place?

We're not married and there's no legal agreement in place, it's all informal, the kids stay with me, he helps financially.

It also sounds like you're still having fear of his rages and his drinking. I haven't gone back to read your past story, but can you tell me, what kinds of things are you worried about? What kinds of things have happened in the past when he raged? When he drank?

It's a good question, and writing about it helps to clarify it in my own mind. I'm worried that when he really faces our r/s is over he'll go back to drinking which can lead to physical violence (he never hit me but once there was an episode of near violence which I don't feel confortable sharing... .). That episode still to this day makes me fearfull.
I'm also afraid that he won't come to see his daughters (that has happened before).

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" is a great book, one I've read and re-read many times. I think as a Caretaker, we lack specific knowledge, experience, and abilities, or else we probably wouldn't be where we are. I think that's the most important thing she's talking about with needing other people. I think it's great you've found a therapist, and I've also found that antidepressants help quite a bit. Are there any other ways that you take care of yourself? Are there other things in your daily life that help recharge you?

Being more or less of a single mom, makes it hard to have time for myself. Still, one thing I did was to join a gym. Exercice helps a lot! Apart from that I have to say I miss doing things on my own or with other adults.

Often times, our family and friends already know something is up.

So true. It's like they know but don't ask. On the other hand I don't tell them anything.

 

It's also important to do so only when it's safe based on past experiences.

What do you mean?

I think it's important not to share because we feel we should, but because we want to and because we sense it will be safe. How is your relationship with your family in general? Are you close? Do you speak with them often about other subjects?

We are close, talk to each other very often, they help me with the kids but when it comes to certain subjects we just don't talk! Maybe it's the way we were raised, I don't know, it's as if everyone knows there's an elephant in the room but no one talks about it!

[Lucky Jim]

I am totally on the fence about this r/s! I'm having a hard time figuring out what I really want; most of the times I feel as if I have it all figured out and just want out of this consuming r/s. However, whenever there is a moment when he is in his good mood, I still feel a sparkle of hope.

Hey MiaP, I hear ya!  It's confusing because of the cyclic nature of a BPD r/s.  It's easy to get one's hopes up when the pwBPD throws a few crumbs our way, yet it's all so impermanent, in my experience.  When I regained a sense of optimism about our marriage, I would soon find myself at the bottom of the well again.  It was extremely discouraging at times.  Does any of this sound familiar to you?  If so, you are not alone.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

MiaP,

I like and understand the statement... ."you can't do this alone"... .however, I would encourage you to build more "normal" relationships with your family and friends.  Keep BPD out of it.  You need a bridge to normal.

You should "add in" a T and just a handful of people that "get it".  bpdfamily can be part of that.  Where you can go and vent and learn.

If everyone in your life is involved in BPD... .it's hard to get away from it.

FF

[MiaP]

Thank you for all your replies, I'll come back later to the very good points you all made.

An update: just this morning we had a bad argument, the children were in the house with us (his house). The only thing I tried to do was take the kids and leave the house. He grabbed by the arm, didn't want to let me leave. I listened to him for while but he was just getting more and more upset, going into a full blown rage. He grabbed me a second time and pushed me onto the bed. I managed to get out of the house with the kids while he yelled treaths of how he was going to take me to court and to press charges agaisn't me for kidnapping (because one of the girls is my stepdaugter - I don't have any legal rights).

As we were getting into the car he even yelled something else trought the window which I couldn't make out as all I really wanted was to get out of there! I think it was that he was going to meet us at my house... .We got in the

Don't know if I'm over reacting but I was really afraid and the oldest D even said "he's crazy, for the first time I'm truly afraid of him'.

I need no more eye openers... .I'm afraid of what is coming, what he's going to do... .because now there is no going back... .

[MiaP]

Hi all,

having a really bad day, I had to call the police to get my ex to leave the house. I did it to protect myself and the children. It's such a hard situation and I'm very anxious about the future... .

[formflier]

Hi all,

having a really bad day, I had to call the police to get my ex to leave the house. I did it to protect myself and the children. It's such a hard situation and I'm very anxious about the future... .

I'm so sorry you had to go through this today.  Very proud of you  for acting to protect yourself and your kids.

Be proud of that... .

Anxiety about the future is understandable.  Is there something specific you wish to go into greater detail on?

FF

[MiaP]

Hello FF,

thank you.

I started a new topic in "Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce" Board a couple days later.

Here's the link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322720.0