She wants me to just walk back into her life. I am reluctant to do this

[wicked_stepmom]

Hello everyone,

I am the stepmother to a 13-year-old child who has been diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar, and possibly borderline personality disorder, as her therapist has instructed her father and I to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Her mother also has a history of mental health diagnoses, but it is unclear whether she has borderline personality disorder.  However, her behavior would suggest that she does.  

To give a brief (-ish) history, I have been with my husband for 8 years, and we have been married for 4 years.  For as long as I have known him, his ex-wife has told him that he is a bad father.  He is in the military, and she always has a reason that his daughter is unavailable when he tries to see her.  She then berates him for not being there for her.  When we moved to Florida together in 2012, we made a home and a room for his daughter.  She came to visit and really blossomed when she was with us.  But, for four years she would go home each fall and immediately the tone would change.  She would talk about how bad at parenting we were, and she would say she hated her time with us.  It was a complete 180.  For example, in summer 2016 she had her first boyfriend, a family friend of ours.  When she went home to her mother, her mother called us and told us that we were terrible for pressuring his daughter into having a boyfriend.  Of course, that is NOT what happened, but when we tried to argue either ex-wife or daughter would hang up on us.  We were stuck.  In addition, his daughter was seeing a therapist who never once spoke to us.  My husband would reach out to her to get updates, but she refused to speak to him.  His daughter would reference times when this therapist talked about how his parenting was inappropriate, but we couldn't prove it.  But, we did file a board complaint against the therapist for refusing to release health information to a parent.  That complaint was found to be valid, and the therapist is now awaiting punishment, but the damage was done.  My stepdaughter hated us.  

I started graduate school and moved to Mass. recently, and my husband moved overseas for a military assignment.  His daughter was supposed to spend the summer with us in Mass., but when the time came her mother filed a complaint alleging abuse and neglect.  His daughter had told her outrageous stories (e.g. about us forcing her to have a boyfriend or about her father abusing her), and she had believed them.  The ex was forced to withdraw the case, but she continues to take us to court for legal fees, medical expenses, and everything under the sun.  We cannot get a break from the constant things the ex-wife says.  In the interim, my husband has entered therapy with his daughter to try to undo the damage done by the prior therapist, and we have since learned that his ex-wife has taught his daughter to believe that he has chosen me over her throughout the years.  It is a LONG story with many terrible details, but to summarize, my stepdaughter thinks we are both bad parents and that we care more about ourselves than her.  She truly believes that our summers were not filled with fun and love, but instead hatred and pressure.

I haven't spoken to her since 2017 when her (now reprimanded) therapist texted me using her phone to tell me my stepdaughter did not want to talk to me anymore.  Now that she is in with an effective therapist, she wants me to just walk back into her life.  I am reluctant to do this, because I don't want her to think she can cut me off and then snap her fingers and force me to reappear like I haven't been hurt.  In addition, my stepdaughter knew that the worst thing she could do to me was to ignore me.  She had done it once before in the fall of 2016, and we had discussed how next time I wanted her to talk to me rather than ignoring me.  

So, here I am.  I know that she expects me to abandon her, so I don't want to do that.  But she also wants me to admit that I am a terrible parent who treated her horribly, and that's not the case.  So, I am not sure what to do or how to respond.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi wicked_stepmom

 

Welcome to the community. Gosh, you've certainly been through the wringer, I'm glad you have landed here with us, some parents are in similar situations to you, you are not alone. 

I can understand you don't want to abandon her and you're concerned she'll want you to admit you are a terrible parent... ., which you are not. Do you think working with a competent therapist might help her work through with you, in a safe place? How long has she been seeing this latest therapist, have you met them?

WDx

[Panda39]

Hi wicked_stepmom,

I want to join wendydarlingand say welcome   

I am a step-girlfriend? step-significant other? Anyhoo... .I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years  He has 2 daughters and an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife.  Neither daughter has been diagnosed with BPD but I just wanted to chime in because I have seen the Parental Alienation you mention. (Although not validated by a therapist  )

My SO's uBPDxw also implied and told him outright that he was a bad dad, during their divorce his daughter's spied on him, went through his things, read is text messages and even reported the contents of his refrigerator back to their mother.    His ex and his daughters (who at most exaggerated and at the least didn't dispute) accused him of abuse when he threw a cordless phone in frustration into the couch.  The abuse was unfounded.

I can also relate to seeing what I thought might have been BPD behaviors, and wondering if was it BPD or was it learned behaviors (we all learn behaviors from our parents).

Your decision is your own but I encourage you to remember she is a 13 year old girl, who it sounds like had to negotiate a lot of stuff with her own mother.  She lived with her disordered mother and had to get along in that environment.  She also sounds subjected to Parential Alienation by her mother that was reinforced by her therapist. It will take time with her dad (and I by extension you) to undo some of what has been done.

I had a really rough time with my SO's daughter's during the first few years... .I could be found in tears at their coldness and rejection or furious at their lies and rejection of their dad.  There were times I wondered if this was the right relationship for me. Clearly these were his daughters and he wasn't going to abandon them for his new girlfriend. I decided, I wasn't willing to throw out the baby (my SO) with the bathwater (issues with his ex & daughters) and stuck it out. 

But she also wants me to admit that I am a terrible parent who treated her horribly, and that's not the case.  So, I am not sure what to do or how to respond.

In terms of this... .we have a saying around here... ."don't validate the invalid" so don't admit something you haven't done.

Do you know why she feels you are so terrible? If you can understand where it is coming from you might be able to validate her feelings without admitting you did something you didn't do.

Here are some links that might be helpful... .

More on Validation (just click the links)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

Communication SET (Support Empathy Truth)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I haven't always been perfect when it comes to my SO's daughters but I have always had my own little mantra which was "do no harm" so there were times I made efforts and other times I withdrew depending on how I felt things were going.  So do what you feel is best and know that things can change... .things are fluid as are your responses.

Take Care,
Panda39

[wicked_stepmom]

Just the two responses I have already gotten are so helpful.  To answer some questions from panda39, yes the current therapist is competent.  Luckily, I am studying clinical psychology, so I am aware of the ethical practices required for therapists.  Had it not been for my coursework, I never would have been able to help my husband file a board complaint against the prior therapist.  Parental Alienation is exactly what happened.

My stepdaughter and I had a fantastic relationship since she was around 6 years old.  We would have "girls only" days and hang out without her dad, and she has a history of trichotillomania (hair-pulling).  Her mom used to send her to call me when she had a spell of pulling her lashes out, even if it was after midnight where I was (I am east coast, and they are west coast).  But her mom was really unhappy about it, and my stepdaughter would be obviously upset about her mom's reaction.

I think the crisis point was in 2016.  I got into graduate school, and I imagine she thought I was planning to abandon her.  We were selling our home in Florida, and she was very unhappy about it.  Just as a background, after my husband divorced the ex, she re-married a man and had my stepdaughter calling him "daddy".  She even asked my husband to give his daughter up for adoption to this man, since they couldn't have kids together!  They divorced six months later, reinforcing the idea that people will always leave my stepdaughter.  Unfortunately, her mother has also told her that my husband has "never been there for her", which really hurts him when he hears his ex-wife's words out of his daughter's mouth. 

Nevertheless, even though my husband would be overseas for Christmas 2016 she asked me if she could spend Christmas in Boston with me, since it was our year, even though her dad wouldn't be there.  I expressed a reluctance, because of custody rules and her mom's reaction to this request, which I knew would be bad.  But she was very insistent on bringing it up to her mom.  She did once she went home, and she then called and said "That was hurtful to my mom, because she would miss me too much if I left."  I have to admit her saying that was really hurtful to me, because my husband and I see her far less than her mom.  But I still played it cool and maintained a relationship with her.  But, it was after that incident that she abruptly stopped talking to me and responding to my calls and texts.  We briefly talked again in January 2017, after she had visited with my husband and immediately wanted to talk to me.  But, then in February 2017 I got a text that was obviously written by an adult saying she did not want to talk to me.  Turns out, it was written by her old therapist, who had told her to sever ties with me for good.

I haven't talked to her since.  Last summer we went to court for the allegations against us, and my husband saw his daughter again.  She collapsed in tears and apologized for all the things she had said about him.  But once we left the same old things came back up.  We requested a court appointed psychologist to monitor the case, and since then they are finally starting to see that something is not right.  My stepdaughter has admitted that her therapist interfered with our relationship, and she has admitted that her mother tells her about "all the bad things we do."  Nevertheless, she expressed to the therapist that she wants to talk some things out with me.

I do want to talk to her, but I do not want to come back into her life just to be punching bag now that things are going better with her dad.  She is always searching for a way to cut him during therapy sessions.  She told him she laughed with her therapist at his behavior, and she brags about how she talks with others about us.  It is devastating, because we can see the damage this has done in our relationship.  And how do we combat these exaggerated stories when two adults have been telling her they are all true?

The current therapist has called in both parents for a meeting and requested that they present a unified front on all things court-related or if my stepdaughter brings up any past situations.  This requires the ex-wife not to bad mouth my husband.  She was very resistant in the session to agree to this, so the true colors are starting to show.  The problem is that this process is taking SO long, and every day my stepdaughter gets a little further away from remembering anything good about me.  I just don't know how much damage has been done or if it is fixable.

For my part, I can validate her feelings that I was very stressed out in Summer 2016, and that must have been different and tough for her, especially since she picks up on the emotions of others very quickly.  I can also admit that she and I have had some very deep emotional conversations, and that likely scares her.  She doesn't talk about her deep emotions with everyone.  Its like me knowing those things about her makes her feel vulnerable in front of me.  But can I validate that I forced her to draw pictures of pokemon for a boy and then to make him her first boyfriend?  No.  I can't do that.  But should I even try knowing that her mom is behind the scenes refusing to change?  I just worry I might do more harm than good.  I feel like this situation escalated when my stepdaughter told her mom she wanted to spend time with me, and I worry that she heard some hurtful things from her mom or felt forced to choose.  I worry that re-entering her life will put undue stress on her.

[Panda39]

All of this is so tricky where does mom/old therapist end and daughter begin? 

For my SO working through the Parental Alienation took time, time with his daughters, and them having time away from their mother.  Lucky for him his ex didn't drive so when his daughters needed to go somewhere he drove, so he was able to keep a toe-hold in their life.  He got... ."the girls don't want to see you"... ."the girls don't want to talk to you"... .you're a bad dad... .your'e abusive etc. Until they needed a ride somewhere or their mother wanted them to spy for her at his house.   He through all of this continued to call them even if they wouldn't talk to him, he continued to invite them over even if they didn't come, he continued to assert himself as their father he didn't give up.

My SO had visitation every other weekend and dinner one night a week initially he fought for 50/50 custody and ended up with a little more.  More time together helped, it was awkward and horribly uncomfortable for some time but the more they were around their dad the more they saw he was just same old dad.  They also got to see their mother in a new light too... .evicted 3 times... .no job... .lying about buying 1/2 million dollar homes etc. (where's the eye-rolling emoji when you need it!)

By 2015 they both voted with their feet and moved in with dad full time.  It took 5 years to get from hating him and not seeing him, to moving in with him.  In those five years he was consistently there for them picking up the pieces after their mothers failures, they had conversations about things that went on.  They had no idea for example that their false allegations could have taken their dad out of their lives for good.  That's why I say remember your step daughter is a 13 year old girl, with a mother that was telling her distortions as gospel... .she may not fully understand the implications of her actions.

If you decide to jump on the merry-go-round be aware of the Karpman Drama Triangle my guess is that you will see it... .you probably already have.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Link on Parental Alienation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

In terms of your step-daughter and possible BPD I know the wonderful folks on this board can address strategies around that, but did want to point out the box to the right --> each item listed is a link to more information.  There are tools there that should help.

It really is up to you if you become involved and how involved you become, but being married to her dad you are already involved to a certain extent.  I think it's great that you are here looking at ways to approach this (or not). Learning about BPD will help you make an educated decision.  Do you have a therapist of your own, that could be helpful if you jump in, in terms of support and help navigating things.

For myself I always wanted their dad and I to show his daughters an alternate reality to that which their mother was spinning.  A stable and consistent home where their needs were being met.

Panda39