UxBPDw wants to change custody arrangements

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

My UxBPDw took an acting "job" (haha) 2 hours away from our locale. She wants to adapt our custody schedule to better suit her rehearsal/performance schedule. We do not have a specific schedule written into our settlement agreement, but we have 50/50 custody and have been consistently using an agreed upon 2/2/5/5 schedule. I do pay some child support. Her plan includes commuting with multiple days when our D15 will be at her place alone for almost all of the day and night. She mentioned that if I did not want to change the schedule she would "find somebody else to stay with her on those nights."

I would rather we stick to the agreed upon schedule and D15 just stays with me when UxBPDw will be gone for extended periods. I do not like the idea of D15 having to stay with somebody else or in her apartment alone. During our marriage I was often the one to go the extra mile to make schedules work out but I want to set a firm boundry this time. The only catch is my parents have invited D15 & I to a vacation this summer and I will have to ask UxBPDw to let D15 come on the vacation as it will be during some of UxBPDw's time. Any suggestions how to best phrase this?
--
RP

[RedPill]

Hi all,

My UxBPDw took an acting "job" (haha) 2 hours away from our locale. She wants to adapt our custody schedule to better suit her rehearsal/performance schedule. We do not have a specific schedule written into our settlement agreement, but we have 50/50 custody and have been consistently using an agreed upon 2/2/5/5 schedule. I do pay some child support. Her plan includes commuting with multiple days when our D15 will be at her place alone for almost all of the day and night. She mentioned that if I did not want to change the schedule she would "find somebody else to stay with her on those nights."

I would rather we stick to the agreed upon schedule and D15 just stays with me when UxBPDw will be gone for extended periods. I do not like the idea of D15 having to stay with somebody else or in her apartment alone. During our marriage I was often the one to go the extra mile to make schedules work out but I want to set a firm boundry this time. The only catch is my parents have invited D15 & I to a vacation this summer and I will have to ask UxBPDw to let D15 come on the vacation as it will be during some of UxBPDw's time. Any suggestions how to best phrase this?
--
RP

[livednlearned]

Hi RedPill 

I never found a way to have firm boundaries without having to sacrifice the flexibility I needed when it benefited me.

I had to give up some opportunities for my son, and that was hard.

In some states, at 15 the child has much more say and can vote with her feet. How do things work where you live? Do you feel D15 could assert herself if she wanted to exercise her independence?

[Swiggle]

Is there anything in your agreement as it relates to summer vacations, any verbiage about each parent getting x amount of uninterrupted time for vaca?

I am also wondering if there is anything in your agreement about right of first refusal? If mom has something and can't have her parenting time you would get right of first refusal before she can call on someone else to care for your daughter.

[ForeverDad]

Is there anything in your agreement as it relates to summer vacations, any verbiage about each parent getting x amount of uninterrupted time for vaca?

I am also wondering if there is anything in your agreement about right of first refusal? If mom has something and can't have her parenting time you would get right of first refusal before she can call on someone else to care for your daughter.

Thanks to Swiggle's post, both my thoughts were mentioned.

As for vacations, my county's Parenting Guideline defaults each parent to 3 weeks of vacation each year, with no vacation longer than 2 weeks.  Well, unless the ex was willing to be more generous.  Also, keep in mind that you send a vacation NOTICE, not a REQUEST.  Often this must be done by May 15, you can't pick a period that includes the other parent's holiday (Father's Day, Independence Day, Labor Day) and first parent to send a notice gets priority for that time (you can't claim, "but I wanted to select that time".

When formulating the terms for Right of First Refusal be aware that whatever rights you want, court will allow the other parent to demand reciprocal rights.  So unless ex agrees, you can't have terms more favorable than ex gets.  Still, you can determine what details will resolve the problems.  Does ROFR kick in for short periods during the day, such as 4 hours, or longer periods such as 6 hours, 8 hours, 12 hours?  Or only apply it to overnights, weekdays or weekends?  Ponder which variations would be best for you and healthiest for your children.

[Panda39]

My question is what do you think is the likelihood of her agreeing to the vacation?  If you scratch her back will she scratch yours? 

Also what is best for your daughter?

You may end up letting her go stay at mom's and her mom still vetoing the vacation, because as you know she is going to do what she is going to do.

Personally I would look at each situation separately, the trip/schedule change to her mother's does not sound like a good idea for your daughter to me and I would say no to the schedule change.

As far as the vacation goes I would talk about that separately.  Again your ex is going to do what she is going to do and IMO unfortunately because there is nothing court ordered you really don't have any leverage here.  Because of that she will decide if your daughter gets her vacation to your parents house.  There are pros and cons to having a verbal agreement.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Reread your order.  What does it say about vacations?  If nothing then visit your local domestic court and see what default guidelines the county has for vacations, exchanges, etc.  Determine how much authority (how enforceable) those guidelines are for topics not specified in the order.  Frankly, unless you are a parent with supervised visitation or the order states otherwise then you and your ex are both expected to have the right to vacations.  I am not aware of any court that defaults to the other parent getting to 'approve' vacations.  However, there can be triggering and conflict so you could try one strategy I used early in my separation & divorce days... .(1) I always scheduled my vacations to start on my parenting weekends.  (2) I made sure to give required advance Notice.  That way I would not be seeking to leave with my children on ex's weekend which, in her perceptions and entitlement, she could have contested.

[RedPill]

After stating that I did not agree to overhaul our custody schedule to suit UxBPDw's out-of-town acting job and offering to let D15 stay with me rather than home at Mom's alone or staying with Mom's friends, D15 is now staying with me for extended periods of time while UxBPDw goes out-of-town. I think it's more stable for D15 and I feel good about standing my ground. Mission accomplished!

UxBPDw also agreed to let D15 go on extended vacation with me and my family. Hooray! Thanks for the direction & support.
--
RP

[ForeverDad]

Many of us here are both too 'fair' in offering the ex terms that won't be reciprocated and too timid to ask for what we want.

   If you don't ask, you won't receive.  If you do ask, you might receive.

Also, sometimes we might make little mistakes here or there.  Don't worry overmuch.

   Sometime it is easier to get forgiveness (or try to let things slide by) than get permission.