He has tried to upset my family by sending nasty texts

[Harley Quinn]

Ortac, congratulations on the way you are processing these emotions and finding your courage.  That's a big step in itself. 

It sounds like it took some self restraint to not try to solve his upset on your return home and it reads like an example of how to handle that type of situation without enabling.  Well done!     How were you feeling when you said this to him?  I hope you are proud of how far you've come.

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Ortac77,

After separating from my wife, my emotions went through several stages.  You'll likely bounce around a bit.  There will be loneliness, but there will likely also be a sense of optimism and freedom, thinking about what you can do with all the energy that was consumed by the relationship.  The loneliness can become acute at times, bit I found that it passes.  Then there is grieving, which I'm just starting to experience.  We'll both get to a better place!

WW

[ortac77]

Hi

Harley - Considering how tired I was after a 12 Hour flight I am pleased that I did not react - I sensibly took a 5 minute deep breathing session before going in the door! I was feeling OK and got through the day despite his attempts to goad me, he wanted me to witness how he was tidying his rooms and this involved throwing out anything I had ever bought for him. His decision, I don't feel any emotionality about 'things'. TBH I don't really feel any emotions about him either, guess I have rather run out of caring, I don't wish him harm and have simply re-stated he may stay in my home for now whilst we both work out what is best for each of us - I then spent the day detaching each time he tried to engage which of course means 'blaming me' for how bad his life is. His truth = his feelings and my truth well I am starting to find that.

Wentworth - yes I am bouncing around a bit, I think the loneliness thought was one that has kept me tied in for too long and is not a good reason, I am glad I gave it headroom and have started to process it. I do feel a sense of optimism and freedom as well which is more like the old (pre relationship) me. I think my therapy will help a lot in processing these feelings.

I am working away a lot over this period, its a way of giving me space but also him - I am also starting to re-engage with some old interests and hobbies - I think I am doing the right things for me, as I said not being cruel but giving him space - but it takes a lot of effort to avoid his attempts to engage and blame me ... .thanks for your positive comments.

In peace

[Radcliff]

I am also starting to re-engage with some old interests and hobbies

This is great!  Anything about your interests and hobbies that you'd be comfortable sharing with us?

Thinking ahead to the potential for loneliness, are there connections to others like old friends, family, those sharing interests or hobbies, etc. that you can think about building or strengthening?

WW

[ortac77]

Hi Wentworth

Couple of ideas for the moment in an effort to use some of my free time constructively include volunteering to help at a local heritage railway (I like trains!) - hope it might lead to making a few friends locally as well. I am also making time to meet up with some other friends I have probably neglected too long.

In the longer term I am planning to retire at the end of next year, I thought of course originally that would involve my partner as well, I am having to work on reframing my thoughts of 'moving on' alone. Its still a bit terrifying at the moment but 'one day at a time' - he is determined to hold me back and I am getting the Silent Treatment now, so I am thinking:

F - Fear - probably some of my fears are quite natural, retirement is a big change but I have skills and energy so need to find what works for me. Fear of the rs ending has slipped way down my list.

O - Obligation - Needs to be for me, for far too long I have sacrificed my needs to meet the needs of somebody who cannot be satisfied and in fact my treatment of them has held them not accountable for their actions. This has changed and I can see that it cannot change back.

G - Guilt - So I am meant to feel guilty when somebody else in pain? No - the illness is responsible for that pain, I didn't cause it, cant control it, cant cure it - if I have guilt it is about how I did not have the knowledge then that I have now but that is not guilt just ignorance - I tried my best with what I knew and now know a lot more.


The loneliness aspect is one I am working on, I have faced the reality that I am actually more alone in this rs than I probably would be on my own.

In Peace

[Radcliff]

The loneliness aspect is one I am working on, I have faced the reality that I am actually more alone in this rs than I probably would be on my own.

ortac77, this is quite a statement.  It really is food for thought.  You've made me reflect on my own situation!

You are doing some good work processing all of this 

Great to hear about the railway!  I love trains as well.  Volunteering is a great way to meet people who share common interests and a commitment to service.

WW

[Red5]

The loneliness aspect is one I am working on, I have faced the reality that I am actually more alone in this rs than I probably would be on my own.

Wow ortac77!
I can echo that statement as well, one of the many behaviors of a pw/BPD in a r/s is too cut off all the non’s other relationships, family, friends, and in my case my u/BPDw the step mom has even started to alienate my other two children, S27 & D25, they don’t come round so much anymore due to u/BPDw’s constant behaviors... .and trust me, your relationships outside your r/s with pw/BPD see the marked negative and depressive karma that you give off due to the predicament of the BPD r/s... .

Trains... .my S31 autistic loves trains, oh yes he does !

Red5

[ortac77]

So I am away with work again, whilst I was home he was giving me the ST, last night I received a few e-mails and texts and I did not reply. The texts were definitely of a manipulative nature so best that I did not react.

He is considering that he wishes to move away to another part of the country, I have now responded by email that I respect his choice to do so if that is his wish and that it is not my place to judge the decisions that he makes just to wish him well in the choices he makes - I am not sure if he is trying to make me feel guilty but its not working if he is. Just maybe he is seeing that space between us whether temporary or permanent might be best?

As an aside and just to be lighthearted for a moment the more I read these boards it is almost as if there is an 'Instruction Manual' for those that suffer from BPD! Thank god there is also an instruction manual of wise advice on these boards for those of us dealing with it 

In peace

[ortac77]

Ah - just got another e-mail - he will move if I pay all his bills and rent to live somewhere else - sounds a little bit like coercion to extort money. Ok time to consult a legal expert.

[Radcliff]

Ah - just got another e-mail - he will move if I pay all his bills and rent to live somewhere else - sounds a little bit like coercion to extort money. Ok time to consult a legal expert.

It is always good to have legal advice.  Many threats may have no basis in legal fact.  It's good to get solid info as quickly as possible.  But the key is do our best not to let any threats make us anxious or distract us from our true priorities.  Thankfully, lawyers/solicitors charge so much it encourages us to spend as little time with them as possible, leaving more time for healthy activities!

WW

[ortac77]

The legal advice is simply that he has no right to stay in my home if I wish him to leave so any threats he makes are just threats. In the meantime I have spoken to his CPN and pushed the problem back to mental health services, after all if he becomes homeless he becomes their responsibility.

Back to doing stuff for me... .

In peace

[Radcliff]

Do you have a moveout timeline in mind?

WW

[ortac77]

HI Wentworth

Not setting a specific timescale, I am giving him a chance to talk these things through with his CPN and therapist, he has calmed down and I am allowing him time to figure out his options.

In Peace