Daughter exhibiting traits of BPD

[katiedids]

I'm grateful to find this community. My 18 year old daughter is exhibiting several traits of BPD, she's a freshman at college and is in her first full-blown episode of disregulation since leaving home. She's in full attack mode,  threatening to not go on a spring break vacation with my parents and I. I'm not engaging her, only replying that I love her, that I'm sorry she's feeling the way the she does, but it's really hard (as you all know) because she's really, really, really mean and knows how to go for the jugular. I know I have to take my life back, that I cannot take what she's saying to heart, that's it's part of the illness but right now it just feels like I've completely failed her.

Thanks in advance for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Oh Katie I’m so sorry you are going through this   you’ve come to the right place for support , we all understand and many of us have been on the receiving end of that BPD meanness .
My DD initially started out with this disorder being quite introverted and displayed more characteristics of a “ quiet BPD”. That all changed after a few situations arose which drove  myself and my husband to lay down some serious boundaries and consequences . That’s when we saw the border lion come out in all her glory . It was a real shock at first and I wasn’t prepared for it at all ! I was reeling from hurt and of course I retaliated many times in very unhelpful ways .
 You are saying and doing all the right things , just hang in there . If it gets too much , you are more than entitled to just walk away and find your own space , tell her “ I feel hurt when you talk to me this way , I am going to leave this conversation right now and we can come back to what is bothering you when we have calmed down “ or something like that . Xxx

[Tattered Heart]

Hi katiedids,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship with your daughter. Did something in particular cause her to change her mind about going on vacation with you?

If she is yelling/angry texting, could you not reply until you can tell that she has calmed down a little?

[bluek9]

Katiedids HI, in my heart I'm hugging you. Sovery sorry to hear about your daughter. It sounds like you know the best way to sespond to her, not engaging and keeping your replies generic. My BPDD is 35 and when I read the part about yours being mean and going for the jugular; my mind went immediatley to the last time my daughter did that.
      The pain of being hurt by a child seems to go so deep, right to the heart of a parent. While one of the fist things we learn in dealing with BPD is not to take it personally; that doesn't mean there is no pain felt. And in all the complicated feelings that we experience failure is right up at the top. I say this with a broad stroke of the brush, it's my opinion that BPD parents can't be failures. We keep loving our children(no matter how deep the hurt), we find places for support like this board, we keep learning and we keep persevering. I can find no failure in a parent loving a child who suffers with mental illness.
      While you're not engaging I hope you are recouping, taking care of yourself. Keep hope and keep coming back here.

[Merlot]

Hi katiedids

Glad you have found us here at bpdfamily. Many parents share here even though there is no formal diagnosis.

It reall struck a chord with me about how mean you daughter can be. Sadly mine to. Viciously brutal are the words I use and can strip me bare. Coming to learn about BPD is helping me to depersonalise... .so important for our own mental health.

I too have felt like a failure but I now understand and accept that so many variables contributed.

 Its allowing me to move forward towards a new path and patterns of behaviour.

Sounds like you have done some reading.  Good for you  

Please look after yourself.

[Merlot]

Hi katiedids

Just a friendly gesture to see how you and the family are going?  :)id your daughter go on vacation with you?  You talk about taking your life back.  Are you able to articulate what that means for you.

I hope you are travelling ok, we would love to hear from you and you can update your thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322438.0

Regards
Merlot

[Faith2018]

Hugs to you. I'm new here but I find comfort in reading everyone's stories and perspectives. Feeling like we failed our children somehow is common as we turn over and over in our mind if there was something we could have done differently. It's a heart wrenching disease for them and for us who love them.
Know you did the best you could under the circumstances and resources you had.

Why is it easier saying this to others, it makes so much sense that way but hard to recognize the same in ourselves?

[katiedids]

I am SO GRATEFUL for all of the messages and the encouragement and support, thank you one and all. There is such great comfort in shared experiences.

Right now I'm working through some pretty intense guilt, there were so many signs of emotional dysregulation in my daughter going back at least two years, but I didn't see it then, I thought she was just a really wretched teenager, or as I sometimes say, mean-ager. Intellectually I know that hindsight is 20/20, and that I didn't have the knowledge to know what was going on, but my heart doesn't match my head. I also keep repeating the three Cs to myself: I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm a work-in-progress I guess.

I also have to realize her bark is so much worse than her bite. All the threats of not going on vacation were pure manipulation. Hoping I can recognize it going forward and respond with S.E.T.

Hope everyone else is doing ok... .thanks again... .

[bluek9]

Katiedids,

       So glad you are soaking up the support. I love what you said "the 3 C's". That's so true, as parents we need to remember that. Also glad to hear you are working on the S.E.T. technique, it does take practice, then pretty soon it comes naturally.

[Merlot]

Hi Katiedids

Glad you are still here with us  

I felt so much guilt too.  I have recently finished reading "loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning, she offers great insight into how/why BPD develops in our children.  Reading about that really helped with my guilt as I also felt the same.

My DD27 is the master of manipulation, it allow hers to validate her own behaviour and twist things onto us to avoid accepting the reality of her own circumstances.  It is truly a difficult road to navigate but I'm glad you are using the SET.

Regards
Merlot