GAL before divorce hearing: How much am I to blame for dBPDw extreme behavior?

[Valjean913]

I've been posed that question by a court-ordered therapist and want to get some insight & opinions before I respond to it.  Based on recent comments by my GAL I suspect this will become a central issue so would like some advice in whether I'm looking at this rationally.

My situation:

• Been going thru a divorce since summer 2017
• Divorce began w/ me filing a restraining order and throwing dBPDw out of marital home after she kept severely beating our children
• dBPDw was caught on video tape punching our children in the face repeatedly
• Married 14 years
• 4 kids ages 1-10
• Kids are with me 2/3 of the time, mom 1/3 of the time.
• GAL involved for 6 months now
• GAL ordered therapy for the kids at one therapist, my dBPDw at another, me at a third therapist
• Kids and I ended up with actual phD psychologists.  dBPDw was assigned to a "life coach" with a bachelor's degree even though GAL was advised a diagnosed PD existed.
• Since the separation my wife has continued to act in very extreme ways
• dBPDw now has 2 police reports at the DA recommending charging for violation of protective order & assault/battery both against me
• GAL has been subject of an ongoing distortion campaign by my stbx alleging she acts in extreme ways because I make her

So I think the GAL can't decide whether to assign responsibility for these extreme acts by my wife to her, or whether I somehow provoked her.  GAL's recent message to me was "I have consistently said that X is very angry and needs to work through her anger, just as I have said, that you too need to work to have some compassion for X and accept accountability for your part in the ongoing conflict."

The question I was posed last week and owe my therapist an answer on this week was this:
"In 2006 you got caught trying to cheat on dBPDw (true).   The GAL says your wife alleges she's done all these crazy things since separation because you never made amends for trying to cheat on her in 2006.   In 2018 how much are you still responsible - because of the past hurt you caused - for the way dBPDw has been behaving recently?"

Frankly, I've been so taken aback by continually being blamed for why my wife acts unhinged that I don't know how to respond at this point.  I'd like a few other ex-BPD family members who've had to come to grips with these kinds of blaming campaigns to share their thoughts.

[JNChell]

I don’t have any advice for you, as I’ve not been in your situation, but I have to tell you that I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I understand your confusion. It almost doesn’t sound real. I can, however, relate to what the therapist is doing. When I was in couples counseling with my ex near the end of relationship, it was very similar to what you’re describing. I was made to be responsible for her bad behavior. My ex is not able to hold herself accountable and the therapist did nothing but validate her behavior. The T did speak up about her lashing out at me during a session, and I know she said something to my ex about calling me names while we were still seeing the T separately. I never mentioned the traits and my suspicions of her possibly being disordered. I was hoping the behavior would show itself in therapy. Those hopes were squashed when I realized I was being made responsible for the words and actions of another adult. Valjean913, I hope you find the answers to navigate your way through this. That sounds absolutely mind bending! Hang in there.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

You are not responsible for her behaviors in any way. You may have had some fault in the past that contributed to her current mental state but it is not your responsibility to fix it. Fault and responsibility are not the same thing. Her continued emotional distress is her own responsibility to fix.  Even if you intentionally provoked her (which I seriously and highly doubt), she is responsible for her own actions.

If you scratch someone, you are at fault for their injury. However, only they can take steps to heal it. You can't. All you can do is be supportive - i.e., I'm sorry I caused you pain. I can't fix it.

[ForeverDad]

Holding you responsible in 2018 for something you did in 2006 is a huge stretch of Blaming and Blame Shifting.  Yes, it had an impact, you had some level of responsibility in 2006, but 12 years and 4 children later such claims are stretched very, very thin.

Historically, relationships had basis to end after infidelity (infidelity can result in justifiable divorce though today's laws are mostly no-fault).  But another Biblical concept (if it has meaning to you) is that not separating after infidelity and proceeding to have intimacy (you had children after all) is tacit confirmation that the infidelity was forgiven or "let go" and both persons moved forward.  My point is that she can't keep blaming you endlessly for an incident long in the past.  By now, over a decade later, 4 children later, the responsibility has to sit on her shoulders for her continuing overreactions.  How to express that to the GAL... .

Perhaps you can include that you have been forced to establish stronger Boundaries for proper behavior.  In other words, her continuing Blaming, Blame Shifting and overreactions are for her to own.  Yes, you own what happened in 2006 but you can't take ownership, or not much, for her still not Letting It Go years later in 2018.  Continuing to punish you endlessly for something that occurred a dozen years ago is unreasonable and unconscionable, unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Be aware that many courts and professionals don't like us average Joes to throw around diagnostic labels.  Has she been diagnosed with any disorders or had PD traits identified and documented?

In my experience, before my separation and divorce my ex was increasingly critical and blaming.  It got to the point she wouldn't apologize at all and yet repeatedly demanded I apologize.  Finally I tried acceding to her demands.  A pattern developed.  I apologized.  She said it wasn't enough and demanded I reword it.  I did but oops somehow left off some portion.  She would demand a repeat of her phrases again.  Oops I added it but again left something else off.  A few times it went on and on, a half dozen times or more.  After several months I flat out told her apologizing her way (me always apologizing on her words and terms and she never apologizing) wasn't working and that henceforth I would only apologize when I saw I had culpability and then just once.  She couldn't let go, repeatedly demanded apologies over and over for her same hurts.  Needless to say, within a year we were separated and headed toward divorce.  That occurred in 2004-05.  She's still blames me in 2018.

[Panda39]

The question I was posed last week and owe my therapist an answer on this week was this:
"In 2006 you got caught trying to cheat on dBPDw (true).   The GAL says your wife alleges she's done all these crazy things since separation because you never made amends for trying to cheat on her in 2006.   In 2018 how much are you still responsible - because of the past hurt you caused - for the way dBPDw has been behaving recently?"

If you tried to cheat I would own it, those are your actions and certainly didn't improve your marriage. Not the best behavior but nobody made her hit your children she did that all by herself.

Your wife's behaviors toward your children are her's to own.  Regardless of whether she feels justified by your behavior or not YOU DO NOT PUNCH CHILDREN IN THE FACE!

Panda39

[livednlearned]

First of all, wow. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to receive that question from a therapist.

My sense is that she is testing the ways in which you will not escalate conflict, as opposed to trying to find fault. There is a fine line between taking responsibility and attributing blame. Taking responsibility means that you can learn and change and grow. Maybe she's trying to put that on display.

How to do this when there is a forensic spotlight on you is tricky.

I would start the response with, "12 years ago ... ."  

What are some of the things you did to make amends?

How long is this thing supposed to be, and in what ways will it be used?

[Valjean913]

Be aware that many courts and professionals don't like us average Joes to throw around diagnostic labels.  Has she been diagnosed with any disorders or had PD traits identified and documented?

In court I have been planning to take Bill Eddy / Randi Kreger's advice in their book "Splitting" and describe patterns of behavior instead of diagnoses.  To answer your question though, yes my wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2006 and underwent a course of DBT that ran twice weekly for over a year and a half.  However, this was in a different big city and the therapist has since retired.  So I suppose I also need to consider whether to try and write the diagnosing therapist from long ago a letter to their home address and see if I can put them in touch with the professionals in my case.

[Valjean913]

My sense is that she is testing the ways in which you will not escalate conflict, as opposed to trying to find fault.

Can you tell me more about what you mean here?

[ForeverDad]

Over the years I've had occasion to write that we don't want to be "revolving door" litigants where both parties are endlessly fueling the conflict.  The professionals will not fight as hard for us if they get signals that we're not moving on from past conflicts.  If incidents from the ancient past keep getting dredged up, then something's wrong, you can't keep circling back to it over and over in a "revolving door" pattern.  Could that be part of what GAL is seeking to ascertain?

There is nothing to be gained, as I view it, by apologizing yet again for a 12 year old matter.  (Even if it was an actionable matter, it would have become 'stale' - legally outdated - ages ago.)  I figure you did apologize for it long ago, probably repeatedly.*  I would think it would be okay to describe it in the context that you apologized long ago, many times, probably too many times and now over a decade later you see no benefit from more apologies.  It's long since time for ex to Let Go and Move On from her continued Blaming and Blame Shifting.

* My ex had a constant refrain of past claims dredged up repeatedly anytime she got upset with me... .or when she wanted to make me look bad.  Especially when my ex did something to make her look bad, she then tried to make me look worse than her.  That may be one of ex's strategies, anyone scrutinizing her gets an earful of distracting complaints about you.

[livednlearned]

My sense is that she is testing the ways in which you will not escalate conflict, as opposed to trying to find fault.

Can you tell me more about what you mean here?

As an example:

"My ex was understandably devastated to learn that I tried to cheat on her 12 years ago. I am deeply ashamed that I tried to have a relationship with someone other than my wife, and carry the guilt of what I did every day. It in no way solved the problems I was experiencing in my marriage, and as to be expected, it only made things worse. I can see that now. If I could do that period of my life over again, I would in a heartbeat.

That same year, my ex was diagnosed with BPD and, to her credit, she bravely embraced the help offered to her. I admire her so much for that -- it could not have been easy. I wish I knew then what I know now about BPD, and especially about the fear of abandonment that she likely feels every day, even without my attempt to cheat on her, and even in the face of my many attempts to make amends, both then and through the years. No spouse wants to go through what she had to go through. Since our separation, I have made it my priority to learn more about what it means to have BPD, and more importantly, to learn specific skills that can sometimes prevent conflict from escalating when a person's emotions are not regulated.

In our case, I see now that my wife's condition led her to feel an intensity of feelings around abandonment that have been deeply destabilizing, leading her to behave in violent ways toward me and our children. Making amends for attempting to cheat requires bringing your heart and attention back home where it belongs. After the violent outburst following my attempt to cheat, it was challenging to do that, and my attempts to make amends did not fill the hole of abandonment she must so acutely feel. I can see how my actions would hurt my wife, and I can also forgive myself for finding it hard to do what even trained professionals (evidently) find challenging. I do take responsibility for my actions, and for learning too late about relationship skills (like DBT) that could've helped us stabilize the relationship and prevent my wife from resorting to extreme behaviors as a way to cope."

Versus

"First of all, I'm not sure how my wife violently punching our children in the face has anything to do with what I did or didn't do 12 years ago. Second, I resent the implication that I make my wife act in extreme and violent ways. She's an adult and is responsible for her behaviors, like I keep telling her."

By no means do I know what her intentions really are... .I just know that the forensic industry connected to family law court is trying to figure out who is actually an adult. They see a lot of adult bodies occupied by immature people, who cannot stop blaming the other side.

You might be getting tested to see if you can respond like an "adult," by their definition. Which is someone who can regulate his/her emotions and respond as opposed to react.

There are many ways you can write this in a "I take responsibility but I'm not to blame" way. My example above is just a guess at the kind of self reflection they might be looking for, without taking blame for her behavior.

[Ineedalife]

I have gone through this and you need to be really careful.

Are you looking for sole custody? If so you need to look at information about Parental Alienation and the nightmare that comes with being accused of that.

The only thing the court cares about is the children see both parents and that both parents support that happening in the kid’s life. If either parent accuses the other of being bad and not good for the kids they could side with the other parent. That might sound insane but that is because it is.

My advice to you is to ask the GAL what you can do to be more supportive of the mother. Do not bad mouth her. The GAL will say more things to bait you and push your buttons and you cannot react negatively. You need to act as if you are willing to share custody with your ex-wife because if you do not then they may end up with her.

If you think that having your children alone with their mother is not safe, then you may not want to get a divorce. There is a ton of information online that will support what I am saying.

The standard of what is a good parent in Family Court and in the rest of the world are not one and the same.  They want the kids to be with both parents and both parents to support that happening, period.

My advice is to show the GAL that you are interested in finding a way to co-parent with the mother and to support her in being a good parent. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. Family Court is crazy and insane. Your kids love their mother and you do not want to look like that is not an important fact.

[Skip]

So I think the GAL can't decide whether to assign responsibility for these extreme acts by my wife to her, or whether I somehow provoked her.  GAL's recent message to me was "I have consistently said that X is very angry and needs to work through her anger, just as I have said, that you too need to work to have some compassion for X and accept accountability for your part in the ongoing conflict."

The question I was posed last week and owe my therapist an answer on this week was this:
"In 2006 you got caught trying to cheat on dBPDw (true).   The GAL says your wife alleges she's done all these crazy things since separation because you never made amends for trying to cheat on her in 2006.   In 2018 how much are you still responsible - because of the past hurt you caused - for the way dBPDw has been behaving recently?"

Frankly, I've been so taken aback by continually being blamed for why my wife acts unhinged that I don't know how to respond at this point.  I'd like a few other ex-BPD family members who've had to come to grips with these kinds of blaming campaigns to share their thoughts.

I might read her comment to be, how far will you go to be  peacemaker for the sake of the children?

And, I think taking full responsibility for an act in 2006 is pretty safe and not likely to hurt you.

In your state:

The trial judge has broad discretion to award custody according to the child's best interests. The Kansas statute lists the following factors, among others: the child's adjustment to home, school and community; the wishes of the parents and the child; (4) which parent will most cooperate in helping the child maintain a relationship with the other parent; and (5) evidence of spousal abuse. Neither the mother nor the father is preferred because of sex. Each case is reviewed on its own facts according to child's best interests. If the child is a teenager, the judge may be willing to consider the child's wishes as to residence and the child's reasons. There is no specific age when a child gets to decide where they live, but generally, the older the child, the more weight that child's desires are given by the court.

Family court works on formulas. You can gain position in the formula on both point 4 and 5.

Family court is often not about justice. It can be about the formula. 

[Torched]

I had to answer this question indirectly for my kid’s counselor.  Bottom line is that I was what many non-BPD here are, and I knew it:  Mr./Mrs. Fix-It.  I always tried to fix things.  To avoid more anger.  But it just made it worse and I didn’t understand the dynamic.

If that matches your story, then yeah, I think it is a valid response.  It also doesn’t make you the “bad guy.”