What is a step parent?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a touchy topic for me. I read posts on here and people use the term "step parent". I can't bring my self around to using that term in regards to xw's BF although he has been in s11's life for 3 years. S11 did not have a gradual introduction to xw's BF, from the first time s11 met BF to present, BF has been living in xw's house. Now I've always been taught that the devil should get his due, so here it goes... .Xw BF is good to my son, he's not a lazy slob laying around living off Xw. That's as far as I go with giving the devil his due. The BF did not earn the honor of being called a step father to my son. He earned his respect by being disrespectful to me and he did a few things to me that also included s11 so BF will disrespect s11 if Xw so wishes him to do so. S11 doesn't need a step father, if I was no good drunk, tramping the roads and not having anything to do with my son than I would fully deserve to be treated as such and loose my father status but I'm nothing of the sort. So for all the things the BF did, for BF not having to fight for s11 like I did. He was given full father rights to my son and didn't earn it and I'm treated like a secondary person in s11 life and this is a position BF thinks he belongs in, that he has to play father roll to s11. I'm sure he's basing his reasoning to be like this based on what Xw told him but in my way of thinking a real man doesn't do what he's done/doing. He really thinks he's mister king ___ in s11's life and clearly doesn't know his place. Now, if he was a good man and knew his place I would have no problem with him being step father. To me, he did the things he did so that's what he is inside, that's what really makes him tick. If your the greatest guy in town but on the inside your a sneaky lying prick than that what you are, that's what really makes you tick. I've seen what Xw BF is really capable of so what we are really capable of inside us is what we really are and BF showed me what makes him tick, what he's really made of so in my eyes he is now and forever will be a nothing in s11's life.

[bus boy]

This is a touchy topic for me. I read posts on here and people use the term "step parent". I can't bring my self around to using that term in regards to xw's BF although he has been in s11's life for 3 years. S11 did not have a gradual introduction to xw's BF, from the first time s11 met BF to present, BF has been living in xw's house. Now I've always been taught that the devil should get his due, so here it goes... .Xw BF is good to my son, he's not a lazy slob laying around living off Xw. That's as far as I go with giving the devil his due. The BF did not earn the honor of being called a step father to my son. He earned his respect by being disrespectful to me and he did a few things to me that also included s11 so BF will disrespect s11 if Xw so wishes him to do so. S11 doesn't need a step father, if I was no good drunk, tramping the roads and not having anything to do with my son than I would fully deserve to be treated as such and loose my father status but I'm nothing of the sort. So for all the things the BF did, for BF not having to fight for s11 like I did. He was given full father rights to my son and didn't earn it and I'm treated like a secondary person in s11 life and this is a position BF thinks he belongs in, that he has to play father roll to s11. I'm sure he's basing his reasoning to be like this based on what Xw told him but in my way of thinking a real man doesn't do what he's done/doing. He really thinks he's mister king ___ in s11's life and clearly doesn't know his place. Now, if he was a good man and knew his place I would have no problem with him being step father. To me, he did the things he did so that's what he is inside, that's what really makes him tick. If your the greatest guy in town but on the inside your a sneaky lying prick than that what you are, that's what really makes you tick. I've seen what Xw BF is really capable of so what we are really capable of inside us is what we really are and BF showed me what makes him tick, what he's really made of so in my eyes he is now and forever will be a nothing in s11's life.

[formflier]

Sucks dude.  No way around it.

To have someone you completely disrespect have influence over someone you love.  That's a hard place to be.  In a way... I'm in the same position.

I'm estranged (my choice) from my in-laws.  Yet I've also chosen not to try and "sabotage" their relationship with their inlaws.  I have acted to end a few really odd situations.  They believe ( and express that I'm as a$$hole... .and other choice words)... .and I'm not in charge of changing their beliefs... .nor will they change mine.

I do realize that our relationship has an impact on those that I love, which is the only reason I have the level of "tolerance" that I do.  But... .I assure you... .they are disgusting people... .a family littered with broken relationships... .nothing gets solved.  People just stop fighting... for a while.



FF

[bus boy]

Your ex in laws sound s lot like mine. They hate me, give me the finger when they meet me, glare at me with hate in there eyes. Xw fed them with lies like she did to her BF. Years back when I didn't understand BPD and we were married still, I reached out to my inlaws for help, I didn't know what was going on, my life was an emotional disaster I felt like I was going insane and my inlaws turned on me, I was deviststed. Xw was so mean and horrible the likes I've never saw in my life. I spiralled into alcohol and deep depression but that was over 10 years ago, I knew drinking wasn't going to solve anything so I stopped, that was 10 years ago, I faced my pain head on. Today my life is much better but Xw and her awful family and her BF hate me more than ever. I chose the high road and my son has never once heard me say one bad thing about his mothers family and I never pry.

[Swiggle]

I believe that step parenting can have different meanings to different people and how much leeway they are given by the biological parent can define how involved they are with the kid(s). My DH and I both have 2 kids each from a previous marriage, and we both have 50/50 parenting. Our kids are close for being step siblings and see each other often.

In our home we have both given each other the go ahead to parent each others kids as we would parent our own and we support each other as one unit in front of the kids. This has worked well and the kids respect each of us. It wasn't always easy and with the help of a T we worked on blended family issues and things couldn't be better.

I know this doesn't work for everyone, in fact my step kids situation with UBPDMom went something like this. My DH's ex was having an affair and when he left/filed for divorce she immediately introduced her BF to the kids. Weeks later he was sleeping over/living there sometimes, they eventually moved in together. During those years the BF did not "parent" the kids. He didn't come to school things, only sometimes to support their activities. At home (from what we could tell when the kids talked about it) he wasn't part of the decision making process when it came to them... .he didn't have any say. It was like this for about 5 years, then UBPDmom and BF got married. After they married something changed and all of the sudden he was trying to be all involved, showed up to school things, sport events and things like that. At their home he became the main person for holding the kids accountable and giving out punishments. The kids were like What the heck. So in that situation mom wasn't giving him the green light to parent, until (for whatever strange reason) after they had married.

In cases like my Ex. His fiancé, who is great with my kids and she loves them dearly but from what I've seen she doesn't really "parent" them. He seems to parent our kids and she parents her 2 kids. So while they help each other out there is definitely a distinction between who has what roles.

It is hard when the person in an ex's life isn't someone that you feel is worthy of the title. Try to look at the positives and how he treats your son and keep that separate from your feelings about him. Can I ask who is saying that you have to call him son's step father, is it your ex, the BF or your son? Or is this just a concept that you are trying to figure out as a way to refer to him?

[livednlearned]

Your son is going to find people along the way who care about him, who help him with stuff, who are there for him. Not just the step dad, but other adults who care about him. His affection will be spread across a number of people.

You'll always be his biological dad, there is nothing to compare with that bond.

I have three step kids (they have a uBPD mom) and the hunger they have for validation and attention is intense. I had to see a therapist to help me figure out how to handle that kind of need.

Your son might be the same way -- he may be trying to get something from the other adult in the home that he cannot get from his mom. It isn't about  you, it's about S11, doing whatever he can to feel like he means something to someone in that moment. It's a moment to moment thing. You lived with your ex, you know what that felt like. Your son feels it, too, most likely. Except he's a little kid with no resources and has to fight it out any way he can.

I know it sucks.

Your heart has to put up with so much pain and loss in these divorces. :9

I'm sorry you're hurting, busboy.

[bus boy]

Hi swiggle, it's just me trying to figure where Xw BF stands in s11's life. Xw gives her BF all the freedoms he wants with s11 and I am held to the wording of the court order. Xw has always restricted me with s11 and in the past 3 years this man has been very present in my sons life, given the roll I should be given. S11 must be thinking why is daddy never there for me but mommys BF is. It's a very strange situation. I am treated like a dead beat dad and BF is treated like a hero who stepped up to the plate to father my son. There really is nothing normal about this whole situation.

[Swiggle]

Hi swiggle, it's just me trying to figure where Xw BF stands in s11's life. Xw gives her BF all the freedoms he wants with s11 and I am held to the wording of the court order. Xw has always restricted me with s11 and in the past 3 years this man has been very present in my sons life, given the roll I should be given. S11 must be thinking why is daddy never there for me but mommys BF is. It's a very strange situation. I am treated like a dead beat dad and BF is treated like a hero who stepped up to the plate to father my son. There really is nothing normal about this whole situation.

I know how that feels. When my ex and I were first divorced things were very rocky. When he introduced our kids to his GF a few months later (and we were, I thought working on reconciling) I was... .well lets just say I felt so many emotions but feeling threatened and sad. Threatened for obvious reasons and sad because she was getting to spend time with them that I was missing out on.

[Nope]

As a step parent myself, I try to have some sympathy for the kid's uBPD mom. The kids live with us full time and she lives in another state and is restricted to her court ordered access. Meanwhile I'm here for the kids in their dad's home every day, signing school permission slips, picking them up from activities, taking them to dentist appointments, celebrating their milestones right there and in person.

I love the kids and I want to do everything I can for them and everything I can to help their dad out. Getting to do all of these things with them does feel like a gift, but I'm sure it couldn't possibly feel to me the way it would feel to their mom to be able to be doing these things for and with her kids herself. And as much as the kids love me back deep down they would understandably prefer to have both their biological parents lovingly involved with their upbringing.
When one parent is disordered it just isn't going to be that kind of situation. Everyone must muddle along as best they can. That includes the bio parents, the kids, and any step parent figures.

Just yesterday uBPD mom was feeling angry and rejected by SD while they were talking on the phone and uBPD mom, for the umpteenth time, felt the need to remind SD, "Nope isn't your mom. I am. I gave birth to you." When SD told me this all I could do was sigh. SD knows who her mom is. SD loves her mom very much, even while starting to see how damaging her mom's behaviors are to those around her.

Back when the kids lived with their uBPD mom she had a BF who was a lot younger than her, with a criminal record, usually didn't have a job, who constantly smoked around the kids. He was clearly an immature loser and yet since he didn't work he was the primary after school care provider for the kids. DH lived states away at that point as well and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He even had to endure hearing about how this guy took my SD to a father and daughter dance. For my DH the only thing that mattered was how the BF treated his kids. The kids liked the BF well enough (despite his faults), but even with phone contact mostly blocked and only seeing DH a few times a year, dad was still always dad.

[bus boy]

Hi Nope, I think it's fantastic that you are there for your step children, they are lucky to have you in there life. I truly understand the important roll you play in your step children's life.
  My point is, although I appreciate the fact Xw BF is good to my son and is not a lazy drunken slob ( he is rather immature ) my son doesn't need a father, he has a perfectly good one being shoved to the side lines. I understand as children we have people besides our parents who influence us and the BF will influence s11, I get all that but he hasn't earned the right to wear the step parent hat, he earned his respect by disrespecting me, Xw has BF trained to look at me as a nothing in my sons life. As I've stressed I'm a good solid component hard working man. If the BF acted like a normal mature adult I would respect him as a step dad.

[Panda39]

I get all that but he hasn't earned the right to wear the step parent hat, he earned his respect by disrespecting me, Xw has BF trained to look at me as a nothing in my sons life. As I've stressed I'm a good solid component hard working man. If the BF acted like a normal mature adult I would respect him as a step dad.

The thing is, is this completely his fault?  Knowing what you know about BPD and the patterns of behavior?  He could just be a rescuer like so many here that believes what he is told by your ex. and as her boyfriend he supports her.  You were in his shoes, what do you remember about her behaviors early in your relationship?  How did she talk to you about her ex's?

Are you really upset about the BF being in our son's life or is it more about him disrespecting you?  Frankly, with the way your ex sounds (situation with your sister... .) I would be glad that there is someone in the home that cares about my son.

I know the whole thing is hurtful and isn't the ideal way you want things, but I would stop focusing on your ex and her boyfriend and just focus on your time with your son.  You're his dad so just be his dad.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

my son doesn't need a father, he has a perfectly good one being shoved to the side lines.

Is this about your ex more than the stepdad? She may be trying to create a bond between him and her son. That's not ideal for you, although it probably is better for S11. Having a stepdad who treats him badly would be a worse stress for you, no?

What would you the stepdad to do that's different?

How is your relationship with S11?

[kells76]

Hey busboy, are you sure your xw isn't my DH's xw? Sounds like we've dealt with similar behaviors -- trying to "erase" Dad and "replace" him with someone else -- a "hero" who "rescues the family". That's frustrating to watch and not good for the kids.

LnL asks a good question:

What would you [have] the stepdad to do that's different?

It sounds like what you want, in an ideal world, is related to these ideas:

If the BF acted like a normal mature adult I would respect him as a step dad.

And this:

I am treated like a dead beat dad and BF is treated like a hero who stepped up to the plate to father my son. There really is nothing normal about this whole situation.

So, you want your xw's BF to be mature about the situation he's in. If he were to be mature about it, would it look like him accepting that he's not a "rescuing hero" but an average guy who isn't in the Dad role, but is in the Stepdad role? Or would it look some other way to you? Are there aspects to how you wish BF would behave that I've missed?

Panda39's question is helpful for clarity, too:

Are you really upset about the BF being in our son's life or is it more about him disrespecting you?

In an ideal world, is it OK for BF to be there, as long as he... .(fill in the blank)?

This is a great issue you've raised, busboy; there are a lot of us in this boat (you, me/DH, TurbanCowboy (I think), other folks too). When a mom uses a stepdad/BF to try to elbow out Dad, that's really tough.

I've talked to the kids' counselor about Stepdad's behavior, and she sees it too, but was frank he is not getting with the program. There's nothing I can specifically do to get him to stop being narc-y, self-centered, unempathetic towards DH, and enmeshed with the kids. All I can do is change ME and MY behaviors. It's time for ME to step it up and get over my stuff.

[scraps66]

This does suck.  It hurts. I am in a similar situation with a S10 and S13 and they have a "step dad" that is the greatest.  He's a decent guy, I find it ironic that he now calls himself the step-dad but as religious as they both portray themselves, they aren't married.  Been together for nearly 10 years.  It sounds like your ex and BF are not married either?  Think about that, I do.  If he was SO great would't they be married?  There is a reason I'm sure.  I think the devil will get his due (not wishing bad on anyone) that there will be a recycle at some point.  When there is no more use for the BF, maybe when the child support runs out and he will truly have to support, things may be very different.  I know they were for me, after getting married, things changed dramatically.

I'm not doing great with this whole situation.  There is so little satisfaction to be reaped out of the whole situation - so little apparent satisfaction.  It's as if you, internally, have to be happy with what you know, what you know happens behind the scenes and that has to fuel your fire.  Things I know, we know, about the ex's that no one else knows.  The things beyond the public perception. For me, this BF no doubt has taken the bait hook, line and sinker.  She's called the cops on him like she did with me, he knows this, but he doesn't know things like, ex's psychological abuse of her kids.  He doesn't know how she bleeds them of emotion, how she stonewalls getting help for our behaviorally challenged S13 in exchange for feeding her neediness, doesn't know truly what happened.

I try to concentrate on the kids as much as possible.  It is challenging to say the least.  Try to look for the good things.