The best of my wife is so, so good, but her behaviors can break my heart

[misterrogersfan]

Where to begin? I've been told that in marriage you show the best of who you are the worst of you are. The best of who my wife is is so, so good, which is why I am on this part of the website. However, she struggles with Borderline, which breaks my heart. I understand the complexities of mental illness from my own struggles with bipolar disorder. Believe me, I know she didn't choose this. However, I don't want to just "roll over and play dead" with her behavior. I attended a lecture about DBT in which the speaker presented us with a hypothetical statement made by someone with borderline and we were supposed to come up with the right answer. I'm sure we can agree that there is still chaos even when we have the "right answer." At the same time, I want to respond to my wife with as much kindness and wisdom as possible, even if it just means focusing on my own self-care. Sometimes that seems to be only solution. I look forward to meeting all of you and learning as much as I can.

Thank you,
misterrogersfan

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi misterrogersfan and welcome!   

I fully understand how heart-breaking it is to be married to a beautiful person who struggles with a very ugly mental illness. It sounds like you're already in a good mindset regarding self-care and how important that is. It's also very clear how much you love and empathize with your wife. When I have to do things like set boundaries, things she will perceive as hurtful, it helps me to remember that I am addressing the behavior, not her.   

What kind of behaviors on your wife's part are the hardest for you to cope with?

All the best,
~ROE

[Radcliff]

misterrogersfan,

Let me join RolandOfEld in welcoming you to the neighborhood!  I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but am glad that you have found us.  Those of us in long term relationships with pwBPD often talk about the amazing qualities that make us love them, and we share similar experiences about the heartaches.  This is a great place to find support and build skills for making life better.  Have you had a chance to look at the tools and resources on the right sidebar and along the top bar?

I'll let you answer RolandOfEld's question before asking any more of my own... .

WW