I find it belittling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Maybe I'm to quick to look at Xw as being rude but she pointed me in that direction. I really understand being courteous and working for the best of s11 but to me xw's remarks are belittling and unnecessary. I've been nothing less than an exemplary parent, I've always been there for s11, totally and completely reliable, constantly consistent in every area of s11's life but as I've posted in the past Xw viewes me as an incompetent parent. Another one of xw's lies is she gets someone else to be there for s11 never asks me and than tells family court I'm never there for s11 that she has to depend on other people. Xw's text this morning about my being late for access pick up was, to me unnecessary. I don't get any texts saying anything nice, I don't get any texts when I send s11 home with his clothes washed and neatly folded, I don't get any texts for being a good provider financially but I do get texts asking if I'll be giving money for the month, like I'm inconstant in my support. I didn't respond to her text and don't think I will.

[bus boy]

Maybe I'm to quick to look at Xw as being rude but she pointed me in that direction. I really understand being courteous and working for the best of s11 but to me xw's remarks are belittling and unnecessary. I've been nothing less than an exemplary parent, I've always been there for s11, totally and completely reliable, constantly consistent in every area of s11's life but as I've posted in the past Xw viewes me as an incompetent parent. Another one of xw's lies is she gets someone else to be there for s11 never asks me and than tells family court I'm never there for s11 that she has to depend on other people. Xw's text this morning about my being late for access pick up was, to me unnecessary. I don't get any texts saying anything nice, I don't get any texts when I send s11 home with his clothes washed and neatly folded, I don't get any texts for being a good provider financially but I do get texts asking if I'll be giving money for the month, like I'm inconstant in my support. I didn't respond to her text and don't think I will.

[david]

I found that viewing what my ex was saying about me was projection on her part. That really helped me understand her and also helped me not take the crap she was shoveling personally. It takes time to get to that point, so hang in there.
The less contact I had the better things became for the kids and me.

[livednlearned]

I found that viewing what my ex was saying about me was projection on her part.

Me too. I just changed the pronoun from "you" to "I" and it made sense.

"You (LnL) are self-absorbed and only think about yourself. You don't spend any time with our kid and you treat me like garbage."

"I (n/BPDx) am self-absorbed and only think about myself. I don't spend any time with our kids and I treat you like garbage."

Projection is a crude coping mechanism. It allows them to discharge negative emotions that are too difficult to process and project them onto others where they can experience them from a safe distance.

You know you're a good parent who shows up for S11.

[kells76]

This is a really helpful tool, so I'm bumping this post.

We got some court docs from Mom where she (and I'm assuming Stepdad helped with this) asserted that somehow DH was able to keep a job "even though he'd been investigated for sexual harassment" and that he had "cheated on his taxes".

Let's just say that switching the pronouns led to a   moment

Before DH and I got married, Mom sent a long message about how we shouldn't, it was too soon, and "SD6 just wants to have you as her dad a little longer". Guess who had ALREADY gotten married.

And busboy, yeah, it's been 5 years of me sewing up the holes in the kids' clothes, and I could count on no fingers the number of times Mom has thanked me.

I think someone here should develop an app that automatically screens the BPD's texts and calls, and translates the pronouns before we read the messages. It'd be a lot more straightforward.

[40days_in_desert]

I like the way that LnL put it. I had come to the determination a long time ago that she was projecting because I could cite several examples of her doing what she was accusing me of. The extreme inconsistencies helped me get to the point of knowing her comments had very little to do with me.
One example is where she told me that "I was endangering her life and the lives of our children" because I won't give her more money. Three weeks later, she tells me that she "never doubted that I was going to take care of our children". I don't know how an emotionally/mentally well adjusted person could go between those two extremes.
I save every text, email and record every conversation when we are by ourselves which isn't very often.

One thing I can tell you bus boy is that my ex had told me that she resented me when I did all the things that I was supposed to because she can't seem to do it herself. She also said once that I was doing those things (buying a vehicle, renting my own house, taking the kids to the dentist, etc) to show her that it can be done and that's why she resents it. The things that you use to do for her and has a hard time doing for herself. Yeah... .she probably won't give you any pats on the back for those.