NC since police came over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The book was explaining how natural it is for the parent to want to make the feelings go away to protect their child, but that teaches the child to be scared of feelings, which can have lifelong consequences.

Validation is now a skill used to help people suffering from suicidal ideation. Psychologists wondered why patients with SI became more suicidal when reassured that their lives were actually ok. It was when they validated the feelings of hopelessness and despair that patients began to show signs of improvement.

For me, it comes down to emotional loneliness.

No matter what the feeling may be, knowing that others can feel what we are feeling helps prevent the added injury of feeling alone in our hurt.

My son had SI as young as 8, and I would comfort him until the cows came home, and tell him how much I loved him, how sad I would be to lose him, how his life is a miracle, etc.

It wasn't until I learned to validate his emotions, to ask him, "You must be feeling so sad to say that. Did something happen today that you want to talk about? Come snuggle with me. I'm here for you."

He used to tell me how bad he felt when his dad was mean to him, and I would say, ":)addy had a mean mom and he is trying so hard to blah blah blah and he didn't mean to blah blah blah."

I can see now that I missed the whole boat. Even as young as 5, my son was trying to tell me how sad he was, and I invalidated those feelings.

You are so fortunate to learn this now and help her learn emotional resilience so young. 

[livednlearned]

The book was explaining how natural it is for the parent to want to make the feelings go away to protect their child, but that teaches the child to be scared of feelings, which can have lifelong consequences.

Validation is now a skill used to help people suffering from suicidal ideation. Psychologists wondered why patients with SI became more suicidal when reassured that their lives were actually ok. It was when they validated the feelings of hopelessness and despair that patients began to show signs of improvement.

For me, it comes down to emotional loneliness.

No matter what the feeling may be, knowing that others can feel what we are feeling helps prevent the added injury of feeling alone in our hurt.

My son had SI as young as 8, and I would comfort him until the cows came home, and tell him how much I loved him, how sad I would be to lose him, how his life is a miracle, etc.

It wasn't until I learned to validate his emotions, to ask him, "You must be feeling so sad to say that. Did something happen today that you want to talk about? Come snuggle with me. I'm here for you."

He used to tell me how bad he felt when his dad was mean to him, and I would say, ":)addy had a mean mom and he is trying so hard to blah blah blah and he didn't mean to blah blah blah."

I can see now that I missed the whole boat. Even as young as 5, my son was trying to tell me how sad he was, and I invalidated those feelings.

You are so fortunate to learn this now and help her learn emotional resilience so young. 

[MiaP]

It will last as long as it suits him.

I don't know if it would make things better but I wonder what "suits him" means; what is the  (twisted) logic behind him going NC? Can't he separate our relationship from his role as a parent? I have to admit I feel relieved with the NC because I'm starting to feel less anxious.

Did you ever see the lawyer?  Is formalizing your custody something that you would like to do?  Now, with you doing 100% of the work, seems like a good time to do it.

No, I haven't talked to the laywer yet. I would prefer to just leave things as they are, I don't think he will demand more parenting time (he usually accuses me of blocking him as a parent when in fact, in the 2 years since he first left I felt as thought I had to "force" him to be a parent, I had to insist for him to do anything related with the kids (not really to help me but in order for him to spend some time with his daughters). He would always say he had work to do and even get into a rage about how he needed to work to support us.

However, I can't be certain that he will not demand more parenting time in the future or come up with other ideas, change his own mind over and over again, so having a custody agreement in place would make me feel a lot less stressed about the future.

If it is over then making it legal while you have the upper hand in parenting makes sense. 

So, yes, probably it's wiser to try to get a custody agreement now instead of waiting to see what happens. I just don't want to take any actions that will lead to more conflict.

How are you doing with the depression?  Are you doing enjoyable things for yourself?

I'm feeling better actually, less anxious. Will start going to the gym because I know that will help.

Thanks for all the information on validation.

[Radcliff]

I don't know if it would make things better but I wonder what "suits him" means; what is the  (twisted) logic behind him going NC? Can't he separate our relationship from his role as a parent?

It does seem possible that he is having trouble separating the adult relationship from his role as a parent.  He may also be avoiding you due to fear of rejection, or perhaps anxiety about his sufficiency as a parent.  You are a caring mom.  Women in general may have an edge when it comes to relationships with children, and a man with a personality disorder is even more handicapped.  The fact that his own older daughter has chosen you, and he has left her with you, may say a lot about his parenting confidence, or lack of it.  He may be intimidated by your strong relationship with the girls.

One approach, which you may have already tried, would be to coach him into short, successful interactions with your daughter, like taking her to the local zoo or something similar, that create good memories for both of them, then to validate him and boost his confidence.  It involves work on your part, but might be very good for your daughter in the long run.  Short, successful interactions where she feels cared for by him seem likely to be better than the alternatives of him not being around, or longer periods of time where he is overwhelmed and she is ignored.  A side benefit of creating successes like this is that it creates a good model for how things should go, perhaps serving as partial insurance against him asking for more time than is best for your daughter and him.  Could you see this being successful? 

Glad to hear the depression is better.  Gym sounds like a great idea!  I need to do that too... .

WW

[MiaP]

Hello,

I think you have a really good understanding of the dynamics taking place here. For now, the situation remains the same, we had no contact except for an email I sent saying the girls are all right and that D4 had a doctors appointment (schedulled a long time ago and at that time he said he would take her); he didn't reply nor showed up at the appointment so I left it at that. D15 welcomed the NC at first, now she is getting nervous about not earing from him, saying things like, "we can't just not talk to him ever again".

The approach you describe it's what I feel would work best for D4. I don't feel confortable leaving D4 for very long periods of time with uBPDex because he has the same frustration managment skills as she does :S... .Besides, he just gets overwhelmed with all the tasks involved in taking care of a small child and has dificulty in paying her attention as he is always (I mean, all the time) receving calls and text messages (work related and from his "best friends" - who he met the week before or something like that... .).

Unfortunately for the past 2 years (during which our relationship had a lot of recycling) I tried to get him to spend time with D4 and when it went well he seemed a bit more confident but he always seemed to do it more as a way to please me than really as just to fulfill his role as a father. Another thing that would happen was that if D15 was also with them, he would let her in charge of D4!

These NC days have been good for me, my anxiety is a lot better. Still, I realised I find myself sometimes thinking of justifications for whatever I'm doing at the moment, as if I'm considering what I'm going to say if he asks me why I did this or that. It's really weird to see how my brain is conditioned to do that.

I guess I have a lot of work to do in order to fully disconnect.

Gym is a great idea, let's do it! 

[Radcliff]

These NC days have been good for me, my anxiety is a lot better. Still, I realised I find myself sometimes thinking of justifications for whatever I'm doing at the moment, as if I'm considering what I'm going to say if he asks me why I did this or that. It's really weird to see how my brain is conditioned to do that.

I guess I have a lot of work to do in order to fully disconnect.

Yes, I had a bit of that as well!  I would overdo or underdo something I was cooking, and there was nobody to ridicule me.  I found my own inner voice saying the negative thing, then I realized I didn't have to, and said "to heck with it, it tastes fine to me!"

I'm sorry to hear about D15's worries about her dad.  That's really rough on a girl.  Do you have any male family members that could spend time with you guys and fill in a bit?  What's the rest of her support system look like?  Church youth groups, activities, etc.? 

Gym is a great idea, let's do it! 

That's a challenge!  My track record so far has not been good.  Must get better!

WW

[MiaP]

I'm sorry to hear about D15's worries about her dad.  That's really rough on a girl.  Do you have any male family members that could spend time with you guys and fill in a bit?  What's the rest of her support system look like?  Church youth groups, activities, etc.? 

She's had a rough time with her mom, and now her dad so it's been hard on her. She was the one who once told me "You don't have to put up with this, decide whatever is better for you. What's best for you will be what's better for us" (for her and her sister). Wise for a 15 year old... .

We do have some family who are supportive, even though we don't exctaly talk much about BPD or even our problems related with it. She has friends at school and I've been trying to get her to join some after school activities. I've tried to get her to see a therapist but she doesn't want to and at this point I don't think it would be a good idea to pressure her to go.

That's a challenge!  My track record so far has not been good.  Must get better!

It's time to change the record then, it's never too late! 

[Radcliff]

She's had a rough time with her mom, and now her dad so it's been hard on her. She was the one who once told me "You don't have to put up with this, decide whatever is better for you. What's best for you will be what's better for us" (for her and her sister). Wise for a 15 year old... .

Wow, you guys are lucky to have each other!

I was just talking to a friend who lost her father when she was about D15's age, and also reflecting on some things with my own therapist.  Keep in mind that this is peer counseling, so you and I are on equal footing, I don't have any psychological qualifications.  But it's probably not too risky to say that having both parents disappear can make someone feel like they're not valuable or lovable.  Trying to fill that hole can have a big influence on the rest of someone's life.  But you are what's called a "protective factor," something in the child's situation that fundamentally alters the odds.  And you don't have to be heroic to do it (meaning I'm not trying to add to your stress levels!  )  Just by being there and treating her with love, showing her that she is appreciated and valued, you are making a massive difference. for her. 

We do have some family who are supportive, even though we don't exctaly talk much about BPD or even our problems related with it. She has friends at school and I've been trying to get her to join some after school activities. I've tried to get her to see a therapist but she doesn't want to and at this point I don't think it would be a good idea to pressure her to go.

Your thinking here seems sound.

It's time to change the record then, it's never too late! 

OK, I should run two miles tomorrow (Thursday).  I have the time, and can't think of an excuse, other than being lazy   I will report back.  How about you?

WW

[MiaP]

Hello,

we sure are lucky to have each other.

Monday I'm starting the gym! 

[MiaP]

But it's probably not too risky to say that having both parents disappear can make someone feel like they're not valuable or lovable. 

She has had self esteem problems for a long time, even as a little girl.

[Radcliff]

She has had self esteem problems for a long time, even as a little girl.

I am sorry to hear that.  She is lucky to have you!

OK, reporting in.  I ran two miles last night.  I was feeling totally lazy and would not have done it without the public commitment!

WW

[MiaP]

OK, reporting in.  I ran two miles last night.  I was feeling totally lazy and would not have done it without the public commitment!

So it's good you made the public commitment! I'm sure after it felt really good! For me, working out is one of the few ways to at least for a couple of hours not think of uBPDex and all the problems... .And I do need to teach my brain not to think of that ALL the time.

Thanks for all the support and advice.