She treated me so terribly, but I miss her and am tired of being strong

[southside420]

My ex treated me so horribly at the end of our relationship by using suicide and the threat of making abuse allegations to keep me with her. When I finally did leave her, she ran a public smear campaign, tried to upset my family, contacted all my ex girlfriends and my employer to tell them I was abusive. I went no contact with her in mid November yet she continued to harass me by making burner numbers to get around my blocking of her.

I finally broke NC in February and almost agreed to talk to her, then I thought it would be a bad idea, backed out and told her to move on and let me heal and to stop contacting me.

Two weeks later, she accused me of talking to other girls and stalking her to find out who she was dating. Then two days later, she said she had a job opportunity in her hometown and was considering it, but if I was willing to talk and work on things, she'd stay here. Today, she said she was moving back to her hometown, but wanted to talk to me before she left.

I want to talk to her - but if she's moving I see no purpose in speaking. What would I get out of it? I still love and miss her and seeing her knowing she's moving away for good would kill me. I'm unsure if I need to tell her that or just remain silent. Advice would be appreciated.

[Cromwell]

I can only compare to my own experience, i went through all the same but the no contact has been longer im at 6 months now and only now really feel like I have made it to the point where I would absolutely never go back to her. At your stage it was still very difficult, the memories were raw and i relived the trauma on a daily basis.

I have the feeling that you are being hooked back in, with the "lets see each other before I finally am gone for good" as the melodramatic conduit to get you hooked back into the chaos again. Once you start interacting, what are the chances that she now can reignite all the false accussations or twist to people that you are harassing and stalking her. By not contacting her you took a great deal of fuel out of that fire, but by interacting again she has the opportunity to reawaken it all.

you say her "so called" plan of moving away for good would kill you. Id say the exact opposite, my relationship dragged on for three years and nearly killed me, she also kept me on my toes by wistful new dramas of her intention of going on trips to all different corners of the country and she wont see me for a long time. Turns out she was meeting people online and wanting to hook up with them to see how things would go. Youll then find she returns a week or two later as the 'job opportunity' didnt work out aswell as was imagined it would.

how can you love someone who has run your name down into the mud with every significant person you know. you risk her crazy talk to be taking seriously if you go back to her, people who are falsely accused of abuse dont return to the ones who have falsely accused them. my advice is you are being reeled in for round 2 of chaos and drama and if you felt hurt already, prepare for it to only get worse.

[southside420]

I can only compare to my own experience, i went through all the same but the no contact has been longer im at 6 months now and only now really feel like I have made it to the point where I would absolutely never go back to her. At your stage it was still very difficult, the memories were raw and i relived the trauma on a daily basis.

I have the feeling that you are being hooked back in, with the "lets see each other before I finally am gone for good" as the melodramatic conduit to get you hooked back into the chaos again. Once you start interacting, what are the chances that she now can reignite all the false accussations or twist to people that you are harassing and stalking her. By not contacting her you took a great deal of fuel out of that fire, but by interacting again she has the opportunity to reawaken it all.

you say her "so called" plan of moving away for good would kill you. Id say the exact opposite, my relationship dragged on for three years and nearly killed me, she also kept me on my toes by wistful new dramas of her intention of going on trips to all different corners of the country and she wont see me for a long time. Turns out she was meeting people online and wanting to hook up with them to see how things would go. Youll then find she returns a week or two later as the 'job opportunity' didnt work out aswell as was imagined it would.

how can you love someone who has run your name down into the mud with every significant person you know. you risk her crazy talk to be taking seriously if you go back to her, people who are falsely accused of abuse dont return to the ones who have falsely accused them. my advice is you are being reeled in for round 2 of chaos and drama and if you felt hurt already, prepare for it to only get worse.

That’s what my brain tells me. I’m sure there’s a caveat to her move and she’ll want to stay here if I take her back. I see no other reason for her to want to talk to me otherwise. If she wants to apologize, there are many ways to do that. Demanding I talk to her isn’t the only option.

I also agree this is her trying to drag me back into seeing her. I have no idea what or how this job opportunity came to be, but it seems to have happened in the span of a few days and didn’t even seem like it was on the horizon less than a week ago.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Cromwell. She's yanking your chain to see if she can still reel you back in--that's my guess.

She's treated you horribly in the past; made suicide threats and allegations of abuse; smeared your good name; upset your family, friends, employer and girlfriends. And you still love her and miss her. Why?

I know the power of addictive relationships. This sounds like it's been one for you. It's hard to let go of the beautiful parts of a relationship with someone who also has an evil side, but it's a package deal. You don't get one without the other. Perhaps doing some individual counseling would help you let go of her and understand why you remained with someone who was so unkind to you.

I speak from experience because I stayed far too many years with an abusive ex-husband, who after I ended the marriage, made suicide threats and smeared my name all over town, in addition to running up a huge credit card debt that I was stuck paying for.

[southside420]

I think her goal is to get me to see her in person knowing I wouldn’t be able to tell her I was ok with the move. And I would have a hard time doing that. If she’s moving away I see no other reason to meet to talk than that. I know she wouldn’t be ok with meeting and me telling her I was happy to see her go.

I’m not even sure she has a job opportunity lined up unless the hiring process was extremely quick. She’s in finance so I doubt she interviewed and was offered in the span of a few days, but I guess I could be wrong. Last Tuesday she certainly didn’t sound like someone planning to quit her job and move back home.

[Dargumin]

My ex treated me so horribly at the end of our relationship by using suicide and the threat of making abuse allegations to keep me with her. When I finally did leave her, she ran a public smear campaign, tried to upset my family, contacted all my ex girlfriends and my employer to tell them I was abusive.

Just keep reading this back to yourself.  There are people out there who would never dream of doing such a thing to you, don't you think you deserve to find someone like that?

[southside420]

Just keep reading this back to yourself.  There are people out there who would never dream of doing such a thing to you, don't you think you deserve to find someone like that?

Yes, I get it. To an outsider, I know it looks insane that I would even entertain the idea of seeing her or giving her another shot. That's the nature of these things though. It's easier for someone on the outside to look at it objectively where there's no emotional attachment and it doesn't really effect them.

[southside420]

I am still hurting tremendously over leaving her. I know that in the long run, her leaving town will likely be the best outcome. She goes back to her hometown where she has her family and more friends and I stay here, where I will no longer have to look over my shoulder and worry that she will show up or I will randomly run into her. Life will go on separately and we will both eventually move on and meet others. After two years of her living in this city, we will basically be reset to life before I met her.

But that thought crushes me and I don't know why. I know she's wanting to meet so I'll tell her to stay here and that I want to be with her. I know that. There's almost zero other reason to meet before she moves away. Why else would we meet? To have a painful, emotional goodbye between two people that still have feelings for each other? So I can watch her walk away and move 4 hours from here? I highly doubt it. She wants me to tell her I want her here and to not go, and she'll stay. The most heartbreaking thing is, I know I can't do that or I open myself up to even more pain in the future if our relationship doesn't work out. Then, I'm to blame for keeping her here.

[Lucky Jim]

I’m not even sure she has a job opportunity lined up unless the hiring process was extremely quick. She’s in finance so I doubt she interviewed and was offered in the span of a few days, but I guess I could be wrong.

Hey southside, I doubt that she's telling you the truth about purportedly getting a new job.  Instead, it sounds like she is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in an effort to re-engage w/you.  Beware of drama (it's your "last chance" to speak with her!).  Posting here was a smart thing to do.  Take a deep breath, pause and try to figure out what is right for you.  False allegations about abuse?  Suicide threats?  Those are red flags, my friend.   

LuckyJim

[southside420]

Hey southside, I doubt that she's telling you the truth about purportedly getting a new job.  Instead, it sounds like she is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in an effort to re-engage w/you.  Beware of drama (it's your "last chance" to speak with her!).  Posting here was a smart thing to do.  Take a deep breath, pause and try to figure out what is right for you.  False allegations about abuse?  Suicide threats?  Those are red flags, my friend.   

LuckyJim

I really don't know. She went from seeing a new guy to moving to her hometown within a span of 3 days. It's possible that's true, but I don't know why she wants to talk to me about it if she's moving away. She can't believe that there is any hope for us if she's living almost 4 hours from me, and I don't want to be the sole reason she stays here because that will tie me to her for life. If I ever tried to leave her down the road, she'd remind me that I made her stay for me.

She's giving me so many "last chance" scenarios and they seem to change week by week. First it was she couldn't wait and would see new people. Now it's that she is moving home. I think I view this move as another way to get me to see her. She knows I wouldn't be able to see her and resist asking her to stay, and I think she's looking for me to say I want her back and to stay and work through things. I know I can't do that because the chances we work out are pretty slim.

[Lucky Jim]

She's giving me so many "last chance" scenarios and they seem to change week by week.

Hello again, southside.  Right, it's all drama.  Of course you can still see each other if she's living four hours away, if that's what you decide to do.  (I dated someone for two years who lived four hours away!).  I understand your hesitation, because I was once quite susceptible to drama of a similar sort.  It's confusing to be manipulated, but in my experience it's best to hunker down and let the drama pass over you, after which you might find that you have a better idea about what you want to do next.

LuckyJim

[southside420]

Hello again, southside.  Right, it's all drama.  Of course you can still see each other if she's living four hours away, if that's what you decide to do.  (I dated someone for two years who lived four hours away!).  I understand your hesitation, because I was once quite susceptible to drama of a similar sort.  It's confusing to be manipulated, but in my experience it's best to hunker down and let the drama pass over you, after which you might find that you have a better idea about what you want to do next.

LuckyJim

I suppose technically I can still see her, but it would be weird to see each other again now that she's moved 4 hours away versus when she lived here (of course, the distance may be good and would force her to be self sufficient, but I don't know if she'd remain in therapy for her BPD if she leaves to go back to her hometown.)

I don't know what to do. My brain says to stay silent and let her go. My heart tells me to talk to her at least before she leaves. Then my skeptical side says this move isn't imminent and it's unlikely she was able to get a job that quickly.

[Cromwell]

tell her youll see her before she goes, and then arrange a place to meet, not at any of your homes but say a coffee shop in the middle of your city.

let her go there, wait around, when she texts wondering where you are tell her "oh im so sorry I slept in. Im just going to stay in and chill tonight x x".

then put your phone off.

then the next day put it on, see if youve got any hard drive space left on your phone from all the messages. and post the most entertaining ones here. 

Cromwell