19-year-old daughter wreaking havoc on family. I need to learn to live again.

[Cosybear]

Hi!  I'm reading the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells:taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder".  My husband and I have three children.  All adopted.  The oldest two were adopted (half sisters) from an orphanage in Russia almost 12 years ago.  The oldest, has been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and Attachment Disorder.  She self harms.  She is 19 and lives out of the house, but continues to make reckless choices.  She has struggled from day one.  She entered a treatment facility when she was 17 for her extreme self-harm behaviors.  She graduated from high school there and has been living as a student away from the home.  However, she's dropped out of school twice (without telling us so we could get a refund.) She continues to spiral downward. (Being evicted, drinking, sleeping around, going from job to job, etc.) She cannot live home anymore because of her complete lack of respect for the rules and the rest of the family living here.  She scares her siblings because her behavior is so unpredictable, manipulative and uncomfortable. I'm lost on how to help her since she is an adult. I don't like when she does come for a visit because it puts me and the entire family on edge.  When we go places (travel) with her it always ends badly, usually with her shouting profanities at us.  Her texts scare me because she uses texting as a way to "shock" me with whatever scary thing she has done or is thinking. My husband and I are still helping her financially since she would likely be homeless otherwise. I've been advised by some to let her completely fall and cut all monetary support she receives, but that feels harsh and scary since she's only 19. It feels like I'm trapped in this relationship since I adopted her.  Knowing she has such trauma in her past from being abandoned feels awful.  However, she continues to take over my life emotionally and disrespect everything we say.  I need to learn to live again.  This isn't fair to me, my husband or my other children. I'm hoping to talk to other people who might be in a similar situation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi cosybear,

     Welcome here to this place of being able to safely vent and ask for help. You sound so very tired and worn down. Extreme behaviors can be soo scary to us as the parents. Sometimes it feels like they do this out of spite just to get a rise out of us. As you mentioned she tends to do with her texting. With BPD these things that they do are often out of their control. It is the hardest thing to do; to put yourself in your mind and try to feel what they are feeling. It's utter chaos in there.
   I am a case manger for homeless families working on regaining stability. I have been using trauma informed care for the last two years. If you have not heard of it please do some research. When I interact with a child who is out of control, I don't ask why are you doing that. I ask what happened to you. You have already shared that she has major trauma issues from her past, how painful that must be for her. One of the deep issues with BPD is abandonment.
     I'm sorry, I digress. The focus must be on YOU! It sounds like you are ready to make some decisions for yourself, that's good. Self care is everything. Please come back and post again. I'd like to hear how things are going for both you and your husband.
     

[Feeling Better]

Hello Cosybear,

I am so sorry to hear about your turmoil with your oldest daughter and I would like to reassure you that you have come to the right place to get help and support. You are already doing the right thing by reading SWOE and you will also find lots of information if you look to the right. 

You are also very aware of the need for self care, I am with you on that, I too am learning about self care and putting myself first for once. What kind of things do you like to do for you?

[Merlot]

Hi Cosybear

I just wanted to reach out to you and see how you are going.  As Feeling Better has mentioned there are a wealth of resources on the board that go to the heart of issues raised in your thread about Fear, Guilt and Obligation (associated with the adoption).  There is also a wealth of information about being able to Detach with Love, and how we can go about establishing boundaries.  Sounds like you made some progress in terms of her not living with you.

I hope you are doing well and we would love to hear from you.  You can update your thread here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322840.0

Regards
Merlot