How do I get him to stop bringing up an issue—communications tools

[ClingToHope]

I recently had an issue about a schedule change I did without consulting him
Details are on a post about how to reply to bull crap statement
I tried to use the skills I’m learning here.
And ended it (at least I thought)
With assuring I would be more mindful in the future

I am still getting texts telling me how Much I wronged him and in all the ways
The issue started on Monday

I’m bitting my tongue so hard to not argue with him
Tell him I’ve appologized and it’s done
Yell at him with some colourful words to stop

Every day I get a few texts about the unjustness
And it seems to be ramping up again

So far I’ve tried to delay and distract but that is making him angrier

What do I do
How do I get him to stop

This is the last text from him

“So I've lost time not magically gained anything.

I'm really bummed that my gut keeps being right cuz I ignore it in the belief of your words and the things you say I should be looking forward to. That isn't fair when it's in the balance of a third person.”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Sometimes these things just need to run their course until he finds something new. The bigger the dysregulation the longer it takes. Just keep validating. Ask him questions to get him talking about what he is feeling. When he accuses you try to get the questions to narrow him down into specifics so he can't paint you black with broad strokes.

Hang in there. It's frustrating but you've weathered these storms before. Focus on getting yourself into Wisemind so you can dodge any missels he throws your way.

[Mutt]

Hi Feisty72,

The bigger the dysregulation the longer it takes.

You probably already know a pwBPD can't self sooth or self regulate their emotions, I think that he's trying to bait, I can understand how difficult it is to not respond back, keep taking the high road and validate like Tattered Heart says until this passes. Don't forget to come back to the boards to get validation for yourself. Hang in there.

[Jessica84]

It may mean he didn't feel validated or assured the first time. Be consistent, try not to lose your patience.

I often have to guess how mine is feeling because what he's screaming about makes no sense, doesn't express a feeling. Hard to know what feelings to validate when I'm being attacked for bringing him chicken nuggets, instead of a cheeseburger! Obviously, that's not the problem. But sounds like yours is telling you exactly what's bothering him. That's half the battle, something to work with.

Maybe you would be disappointed too if you were looking forward to plans that changed suddenly. You probably wouldn't go to his extremes, but can you relate? What could someone say to comfort you?

Maybe SET? --> "I understand. (Sympathy) It must have hurt to look forward to plans we made, only for other things to come up. I'm disappointed too. (Empathy) I really want to have a date night with you. I hope we can do that soon." (Truth)

[ClingToHope]

Maybe SET? --> "I understand. (Sympathy) It must have hurt to look forward to plans we made, only for other things to come up. I'm disappointed too. (Empathy) I really want to have a date night with you. I hope we can do that soon." (Truth)

This is a great example. Thank you

[ClingToHope]

Hang in there. It's frustrating but you've weathered these storms before. Focus on getting yourself into Wisemind so you can dodge any missels he throws your way.

Thank you I’ll read up on that.
I’m trying to be patient but with my daughters in mental health crisis we too I’m friggin tired

[ClingToHope]

Hi Feisty72,

You probably already know a pwBPD can't self sooth or self regulate their emotions, I think that he's trying to bait, I can understand how difficult it is to not respond back, keep taking the high road and validate like Tattered Heart says until this passes. Don't forget to come back to the boards to get validation for yourself. Hang in there.

Thank you for the comfort
I agree with you About baiting me.
Normally there is a lot of back and forth and this is the first time I’m trying these techniques fully so I’m sure he’s lost with out the full release a long rant seems to bring him.
After he’s beaten me down with accusations and outrage the self righteous attitude of “ha told you i was right” sticks around for a bit
He hasn’t gotten that satisfaction this time

Sigh I really hate my life right now  
Ok self pity moment done

[Jessica84]

Have you read up on extinction bursts? I'll try to find the link... .basically, he's used to getting a reaction from you. When he doesn't get this, he goes into overdrive, trying to provoke the response he's used to getting from you. Eventually may start to like your new reactions, once he gets used to it.

Remember you have been doing things a certain way for a long time. Takes time to adjust to changes. For every action, there is a reaction. You are trying something different. Don't give up! You may not see results immediately, but validation can be very effective. Keep practicing. You're doing great! 

[Jessica84]

Extinction Bursts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[Tattered Heart]

He starts telling me what we have to do “like not cancelling our plans no matter what”
I know he’s grasping at straws to make his world more settled
That’s not something I can promise at this point
So what do I say?

Has he moved on from this yet?

What if you said something to confront the passive aggressive behavior in a validating way? Something like, "I hear what you are saying and it seems like you may still be upset about our argument last week. I want you to know that I'm listening. Is something still troubling you?"

[ClingToHope]

Has he moved on from this yet?

What if you said something to confront the passive aggressive behavior in a validating way? Something like, "I hear what you are saying and it seems like you may still be upset about our argument last week. I want you to know that I'm listening. Is something still troubling you?"

Mostly, he has made a few other issues bigger than they should be so distracting himself from that one.  The ride never really ends here cause he will throw on a past issue  (that I thought was long done) each time he starts on a new one.

Thank you for the suggested response I will try that when it happens again and sadly it’s guaranteed to happen again.
It’s been another hard couple of days
Ok self pity done !