New here: 21yr old daughter back to struggling with life

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

My 21 year old daughter struggled with depression, anxiety, self-destructive tendencies and suicidal thoughts for many years and was misdiagnosed. We moved from Montana to California about a year ago and found a great doctor at the UCLA Behavioral Health Center and he properly diagnosed her. We enrolled her in an out patient, daily program and after two months she was had a much improved life. She moved into a studio apartment and after a year of being unemployed she had a job she seemed to enjoy. I had been supporting her through out this time and had to live with family because I couldn't afford to support her and have my own place. It was an amazing feeling to finally not fear my daughter would take her life. Fast forward two months, to today and she is back to struggling with life. She works in retail and being around people all day drains her and now any little set back sends her spiraling. I suggested that she work one less day a week for a while and take more time to work on herself and in the meantime look for a job that doesn't require so much interaction with people.

Last night her phone was stolen and today was hell. I won't go into all of the details but because of her mental state it sent her into the "I don't want to live, life is too hard" mind set. I was at work when this all went down and Mondays are super stressful at work anyway. I feel so alone and really don't have anyone to talk to who truly understands what my daughter and I are going through. I also battle depression but I have a pretty good hold on it. I am hoping for a forum to share my feelings, get some support and advice and perhaps offer the same to others.

[RedBoots2]

Hi,

My 21 year old daughter struggled with depression, anxiety, self-destructive tendencies and suicidal thoughts for many years and was misdiagnosed. We moved from Montana to California about a year ago and found a great doctor at the UCLA Behavioral Health Center and he properly diagnosed her. We enrolled her in an out patient, daily program and after two months she was had a much improved life. She moved into a studio apartment and after a year of being unemployed she had a job she seemed to enjoy. I had been supporting her through out this time and had to live with family because I couldn't afford to support her and have my own place. It was an amazing feeling to finally not fear my daughter would take her life. Fast forward two months, to today and she is back to struggling with life. She works in retail and being around people all day drains her and now any little set back sends her spiraling. I suggested that she work one less day a week for a while and take more time to work on herself and in the meantime look for a job that doesn't require so much interaction with people.

Last night her phone was stolen and today was hell. I won't go into all of the details but because of her mental state it sent her into the "I don't want to live, life is too hard" mind set. I was at work when this all went down and Mondays are super stressful at work anyway. I feel so alone and really don't have anyone to talk to who truly understands what my daughter and I are going through. I also battle depression but I have a pretty good hold on it. I am hoping for a forum to share my feelings, get some support and advice and perhaps offer the same to others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

RedBoots2,

   WELCOME, I'm so very sorry to read that your daughter has had a set back. Those can just be sucky moments that seem to last forever. You are a super parent going above and beyond for your child. I'm gald to read that you are in an ok place with your depression, self care is so very important. I would love to hear what you do to put boundaries and limitations in place for yourself. I'd also like to hear more of the story, when you feel you can share. Like you said there are lots of details. Keep posting, you will find many parents here who have much in common, including me.

[MusicDad]

Hi I just want you to know that you are never alone.  I am sorry that our "adult" kids have BPD and I am sorry for the emotional and sometimes financial strain that we often endure. I am new here and I am still learning about how to be a positive force in all of this.  I know how you feel.  I hope that your day gets better.  

[Merlot]

Hi Redboots2
Along with bluek9 and Musicdad, Im glad you came to join us at the bpdfamily. Your story will resonate with many parents here. 

It is so distressing to see our children falter and feel like they cant manage. They get up and fall all over again. I can really understand how lonely this feels for you.

Do you have close friends that you can talk to or even a therapist? I have just read a wonderfully grounding book by Shari Manning called " Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder ".
It goes to the heart of  many issues. There is also a wealth of information on the board  to the right 

We would love to hear more of your journey. I really hope you are doing ok and can take some time for you.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Redboots

I'm so sorry you're daughter is having trouble again. I really identified with what you wrote. I have mental health issues as well and I cannot count how many times my daughter has called me at work with some 'emergency.' the book that Merlot recommended is so good, I would highly recommend it as well.

I've only recently been able to pull myself out of my daughters intense misery when she gets like how you described your daughter and maintain some semblance of rationality. With my daughter I have found it helpful to first validate how she's feeling (you had such a bad day, I'm so sorry. I can't believe some jerk would steal your phone) Once she calms down a little I point out that it is just a bad day, look at all the successes she's had recently. With BPD their think is black and white, all or nothing. So it can really help to have someone remind them that not everything is terrible. They have a complete right to be upset, a lot of their feeling are feelings anyone would have. But they are highly amplified.

Your daughter hasn't lost all the progress she's made. She can come back from this. I know it's hard to remember in the moment! We are here for you and hope you'll keep you posting.

[incadove]

Hi Redboots 

Welcome to the forum!  I am incredibly impressed with your dedication, to put aside even the ability to have your own space in order to support your daughter through this journey!

I suggested that she work one less day a week for a while and take more time to work on herself and in the meantime look for a job that doesn't require so much interaction with people.

That is an excellent idea and really constructive suggestion.  Is your daughter open to suggestions?  The skills on this site can also be very helpful in guiding young adults to figure out their own best solutions, maybe the one on the right called Adopt a Problem Solving Model might be helpful https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/07.htm - she might even recognize it from her therapy, if they worked thru things like that with her.

Please take care of yourself as well!  The emotional strain can be so draining, and the feeling of not doing enough for yourself.  Do you have good ways to recharge in your own life, and a way to feel like your own life is going in the direction you want, even if only by little steps?  Taking care of yourself is healthy for her as well, in many ways. 

Thank you for coming and posting here, it really helps me and others to share experiences.