I’ll be sad if we divorce, but also relieved. Struggling with this.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I foolishly married my UBPD bf 4 months ago. Things have been rocky ever since. Some days I think I can take it, but days like this I just want to pack my things and never look back. I’m struggling because this is my own doing. I’ve been a part of this community for over 2 years. I knew what this life would entail. And I continued any way.

He’s talking about getting a divorce. I would be sad if that happens, but also relieved. I’m preparing myself for that. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to feel like I quit or gave up. Even though he’s doing his best to make sure that’s my only option. Therapy doesn’t help anymore. My therapist just says that I deserve better. She hasn’t flat out said to leave, but I sense that undertone in her words. I know that would be best. But every time I’ve tried, I came back. I just feel doomed... .stuck.

[Jk416]

I foolishly married my UBPD bf 4 months ago. Things have been rocky ever since. Some days I think I can take it, but days like this I just want to pack my things and never look back. I’m struggling because this is my own doing. I’ve been a part of this community for over 2 years. I knew what this life would entail. And I continued any way.

He’s talking about getting a divorce. I would be sad if that happens, but also relieved. I’m preparing myself for that. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to feel like I quit or gave up. Even though he’s doing his best to make sure that’s my only option. Therapy doesn’t help anymore. My therapist just says that I deserve better. She hasn’t flat out said to leave, but I sense that undertone in her words. I know that would be best. But every time I’ve tried, I came back. I just feel doomed... .stuck.

[greenyard]

Hi JK416. I'm sorry to hear how you feel and I can certainly understand what you are feeling. I have been married for 8 years, and the past 2 years have been hell to the point of not being able to be alone in my own thoughts. We are now pursuing a divorce and I"m relieved but also sad and am feeling lonely. We've been physically cut off and have not been talking for 3 weeks now. Although I miss her, it is a relief to be able to get the house back in order, and more importantly get my mind back in order so I can refocus my efforts on my career.

It's certainly not a good way to live when you feel doomed or stuck. That's a tremendous burden to carry and will certainly weigh heavily on you. I hope you are taking time to care for yourself, to do things that make you happy?

[5xFive]

Hi Jk416,
I too know how you feel. I don’t want a divorce. At all. But the times when my uBPDh threatens it? I feel relief. I think about all of the good things that would come from being alone. Not having to be raged at or worried about every little decision. Not feeling the intense anxiety that I live with every moment, the fear that I’m going to do or say the wrong thing. But then I imagine that because we have children together, none of those things will ever truly go away. And I love him. And I don’t want to be alone. And yet I do.
My therapist says the same thing: that I deserve better.
I wish you luck. I hope you can feel unstuck.

[Jk416]

Thanks green yard and 5xFive. I feel I am delaying the inevitable. I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long, which is the only thing that gives me hope. But I don’t want to live like this. Thankfully, we don’t have any children together. And I plan to keep it that way. I can’t imagine involving a child in this constant chaos. He goes back and forth about wanting more children. He has 2 from his first marriage, 1 that was taken by a girlfriend, and possibly 2 more from hook-ups (paternity has not been confirmed). It’s just too much.

Green yard, what was the final straw for you. You hung in for 8 years, that’s impressive!

5xFive, hang in there! At least we have a place like this to come and vent, and learn.

[greenyard]

Thanks green yard and 5xFive. I feel I am delaying the inevitable. I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long, which is the only thing that gives me hope. But I don’t want to live like this. Thankfully, we don’t have any children together. And I plan to keep it that way. I can’t imagine involving a child in this constant chaos. He goes back and forth about wanting more children. He has 2 from his first marriage, 1 that was taken by a girlfriend, and possibly 2 more from hook-ups (paternity has not been confirmed). It’s just too much.

There's a pattern here, right? Please be very careful with yourself. I hope you have reliable birth control? (apologies if this is an intrusive question - it's not meant to be). All I can say is, if you are not 100% sure you want children, if there is any doubt, DO NOT have children.

Green yard, what was the final straw for you. You hung in for 8 years, that’s impressive!

I saw 3 therapists... .the 1 I've continued to see. They all recommended I leave her, as far back as 2 years ago. I held on due to many reasons that are non trivial (we're both super interesting people and there is major finances on the line). I think the final straw was when I was no longer able to be alone in my own thoughts, we couldn't be in the same building, or car. I was constantly fearing her next "hurt feelings" and it's implications for me. It got to a point where I left the house and tried to come home every day for 4 days and parked a block away for an hour, deliberating on whether I should just go home or stay away. I stayed away at a friend's house.

I am soo glad she had an IUD and that we do not have surprise children. WOW. that would have been a nightmare.

[eggshellfiancee]

I'm going through a similar thing. My husband and I have only been married a few months but I've known since last summer that he was UBPD.  That's when I started lurking here. He's refusing to go for counseling and just keeps threatening divorce every time he has an episode. then he gradually works his way out of it and everything is fine for a while. I love him so much and I knew what I was getting into, but there is a sense of relief I feel when i think about leaving.  Then i remember how much fun we have together most of the time and how sweet he is when times are good. It's heartbreaking.

[MrRight]

Thanks green yard and 5xFive. I feel I am delaying the inevitable. I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long, which is the only thing that gives me hope. But I don’t want to live like this. Thankfully, we don’t have any children together. And I plan to keep it that way. I can’t imagine involving a child in this constant chaos. He goes back and forth about wanting more children. He has 2 from his first marriage, 1 that was taken by a girlfriend, and possibly 2 more from hook-ups (paternity has not been confirmed). It’s just too much.

Green yard, what was the final straw for you. You hung in for 8 years, that’s impressive!

5xFive, hang in there! At least we have a place like this to come and vent, and learn.

You would be in 1 thousand times worse position - believe me, I talk from experience.

[Lucky Jim]

He’s talking about getting a divorce. I would be sad if that happens, but also relieved. I’m preparing myself for that. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to feel like I quit or gave up.

Hey jk, Like you, I'm a loyal person and dreaded the idea of getting a divorce, with the result that I was married for 13 years to a pwBPD before we separated and subsequently divorced.  So I'm saying that I've been in your shoes.  I am uncertain exactly what you mean when you say that "things have been rocky," but I can imagine that it involves rage, confrontations, drama and possibly abuse.  Does that sound accurate?

I would submit that leaving an abusive situation is neither "quitting" nor "giving up"; instead, it shows that you care too much about yourself to allow someone else to walk all over you.  There's nothing to feel guilty about if you reach a point where you can no longer handle the constant drama.

Fill us in a little more about what is going on, when you get the chance.

LuckyJim