13 hours wasted on my ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

the sad part is, probably add another few 0s to that number.

its why it means so much to hear a "thanks" from some person ive never met, but is facing the same sort of problems I was going through. To think that all those hours are distilled into knowledge and used in a positive way, makes it worthwhile.

If I would have to think that the amount of time I spent ruminating, feeling cascade of emotions ranging from being intense bitterness, devalued to grieving the happy nostalgia of her, Id really feel pathetic about it all.

Our lives are the most precious thing we have, I started to get better when I slammed my hand on the table and said "enough".

I do believe part of going forward we have to sometimes go backwards. but there is a big difference between trying to pragmatically figure things out and wasting life by languishing in a state of self pity, regardless of the magnitude of bad things that have happened to any of us.

In that respect, I start to feel I emulate her and there have been times I have felt I was walking down the same road to becoming what she was.

the purpose of this post is maybe to think about how much time, which we all have finite amount of our lives, spent, and to maybe question it like I have done.

Im going to have to make it all back somehow, maybe go to bed 30mins later than i normally would for a year or so and spend it productivly or (god forbid) doing something fun and enjoyable. It is really strange to think back how I wanted so much to be with someone, then after, longed for them, when if I could look objectively at the amount of genuine enjoyable moments i had, compared to the hours of - bleak misery basically hanging around with an ultra-depressed person who could disguise it well.

I want to return to my old happy-go-lucky self. I think detaching from my ex was more about going back to the person I was than it was to change into something new. If anything, Ive came to realise that being with her, I was insidiously changing to become more like her, just how we become like the people we associate with the most in our lives.

Just some food for thought I hope might make people start to think about the hours they spend thinking about their ex which could be better spent elsewhere.

[Cromwell]

the sad part is, probably add another few 0s to that number.

its why it means so much to hear a "thanks" from some person ive never met, but is facing the same sort of problems I was going through. To think that all those hours are distilled into knowledge and used in a positive way, makes it worthwhile.

If I would have to think that the amount of time I spent ruminating, feeling cascade of emotions ranging from being intense bitterness, devalued to grieving the happy nostalgia of her, Id really feel pathetic about it all.

Our lives are the most precious thing we have, I started to get better when I slammed my hand on the table and said "enough".

I do believe part of going forward we have to sometimes go backwards. but there is a big difference between trying to pragmatically figure things out and wasting life by languishing in a state of self pity, regardless of the magnitude of bad things that have happened to any of us.

In that respect, I start to feel I emulate her and there have been times I have felt I was walking down the same road to becoming what she was.

the purpose of this post is maybe to think about how much time, which we all have finite amount of our lives, spent, and to maybe question it like I have done.

Im going to have to make it all back somehow, maybe go to bed 30mins later than i normally would for a year or so and spend it productivly or (god forbid) doing something fun and enjoyable. It is really strange to think back how I wanted so much to be with someone, then after, longed for them, when if I could look objectively at the amount of genuine enjoyable moments i had, compared to the hours of - bleak misery basically hanging around with an ultra-depressed person who could disguise it well.

I want to return to my old happy-go-lucky self. I think detaching from my ex was more about going back to the person I was than it was to change into something new. If anything, Ive came to realise that being with her, I was insidiously changing to become more like her, just how we become like the people we associate with the most in our lives.

Just some food for thought I hope might make people start to think about the hours they spend thinking about their ex which could be better spent elsewhere.

[gotbushels]

Hi Cromwell   

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

its why it means so much to hear a "thanks" from some person ive never met, but is facing the same sort of problems I was going through. ... .

I get what you mean. When we share things with people who've gone through something similar, there's something really enjoyable about that. Having been one of those "Mason and Kreger is like my diary!" kind of people, I think there's something really rewarding when we share these situations with others that have been through the same stuff.

I think detaching from my ex was more about going back to the person I was than it was to change into something new. ... .

Yes, I do think there's this element. We try to keep the things about our self--things that we liked--that we had before the relationship and bring it forward in time.

I was insidiously changing to become more like her, just how we become like the people we associate with the most in our lives.

Yes. And I hope you can see you've a choice now.

I want to return to my old happy-go-lucky self.

Yes, I get this. It might not be possible to go backward and undo what was done, but I do want to share that if you want to be an outwardly happy person again--that's certainly possible.

I hope you're enjoying your peace.

[Cromwell]

Thanks very much gotbushels for those kind words and well wishes.

im now 15hrs wasted on my ex ,

i do say it in a facetious way, because i feel each day slightly better and compared to when i was with her (i see that as the whole point)

yes i have found come a lot closer to finding a sort of peace, its a good choice of word to use for it and youve given me something to think about there.

[Insom]

Hi, Cromwell! 

If I would have to think that the amount of time I spent ruminating, feeling cascade of emotions ranging from being intense bitterness, devalued to grieving the happy nostalgia of her, Id really feel pathetic about it all.

I hear that this is hard but think it's great you're allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling.  I bottled a lot of stuff up when I left my relationship and am finding I still have things to resolve that I pretended didn't happen.  So, you are on the right track, I think, with feeling.   

Im going to have to make it all back somehow, maybe go to bed 30mins later than i normally would for a year or so and spend it productivly or (god forbid) doing something fun and enjoyable

  This is made me laugh.  (Your sense of humor is intact!)  But seriously, don't be so hard on yourself, this feeling-stuff is important.  You have to go through, not around.

Just some food for thought I hope might make people start to think about the hours they spend thinking about their ex which could be better spent elsewhere.

When you picture yourself having moved on, what does that look like for you?  What else would you like to spend time doing that you've put to the side while recovering from this relationship?

[Cromwell]

Hi, Cromwell! 

I hear that this is hard but think it's great you're allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling.  I bottled a lot of stuff up when I left my relationship and am finding I still have things to resolve that I pretended didn't happen.  So, you are on the right track, I think, with feeling.   

  This is made me laugh.  (Your sense of humor is intact!)  But seriously, don't be so hard on yourself, this feeling-stuff is important.  You have to go through, not around.

When you picture yourself having moved on, what does that look like for you?  What else would you like to spend time doing that you've put to the side while recovering from this relationship?

ive been accepted to study medicine this year, but I have to pass my course im on to get that place. so I get frustrated a bit with myself that I cram for my exams because I do still spend an inordinate amount of time still thinking of her. Also wondering why I am not able to fully appreciate new relationship because of the feeling of not deserving to be treated with kindness and respect. I could do with some specialist counselling but I just cant find the time for it. Part of taking on this big task is that when im at college i just have no option but to concentrate on my studies, ive also came across people who in comparison what ive been through.

without these boards I dont know where I would be as although I can speak to people who know about the condition there isnt anyone who has that direct experience of living with it. I dont want to sound ungrateful, its just that I get frustrated that i feel like the victim and its hard to accept.

a sense of humour carried me through a lot, I had to suppress it with my ex though because although she sometimes really lit up from it, she could just as easily take it the wrong way and id be painted black for something innocent. so eventually id slowly stop smiling and joking and as many say "walk on eggshells" for fear of setting her off. I paint her often as a depressed, soul sucking type, but there were many magical times with her that she seemed to be better than anyone else at entertaining, cheering up. the thing is that it just never lasted, i felt she kept sabotaging it, at least subconsciously. the better the day went, the more she couldnt handle it.

i just hope I can rebuild my life and not be carrying this with me as much as it still feels I do. it is helpful to read other people going through the same and to feel not so alone like i did at the time. At the same time part of me is very afraid of fully detaching, I feel guilty for "abandoning" her physically but just cant get myself to the point of that psychic disconnection. her stalking made this the most traumatic, because I feel if I just let her go i will get a ptsd shock if/when she resurfaces like she did in the past. im just especially emotionally vulnerable to this kind of stuff and she knows it.

 thanks insom and others. 

[Foursome]

I want to return to my old happy-go-lucky self. I think detaching from my ex was more about going back to the person I was than it was to change into something new. If anything, Ive came to realise that being with her, I was insidiously changing to become more like her, just how we become like the people we associate with the most in our lives.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this statement.  I feel the exact same way.  This isnt about them at all anymore.  Its about us.

Your also right we do start acting like them to an extent when we are in the middle of it.

[gotbushels]

ive been accepted to study medicine this year, but I have to pass my course im on to get that place.

Congrats!   Getting admitted to these courses in my area--and my entire region for that matter--is extremely difficult. So I hope you're rewarding yourself.

I could do with some specialist counselling but I just cant find the time for it.

I get what you mean. Finding the time and a suitable specialist isn't easy. Well--I do think you'll be close to the campus T or clinics from your study. So--plus point.

without these boards I dont know where I would be as although I can speak to people who know about the condition there isnt anyone who has that direct experience of living with it.

Yes! So true. I didn't seek support groups and I couldn't get time (or $$) to adjunct more time with my P.

I dont want to sound ungrateful, its just that I get frustrated that i feel like the victim and its hard to accept.

Haha Cromwell I think a healthy self-esteem is a good thing. While feeling the victim may come across from everyone from time to time, I do think the board discourages victim behaviour, let alone accepting it. I think a person isn't behaving the victim if they've accepted some responsibility on the outcomes before during or after the fact. Moreover, being proactive like searching for solutions and discussing with others seems more proactive than pro-victim. If you feel still that way (I do too), then that's still okay.  

a sense of humour carried me through a lot, I had to suppress it with my ex though because although she sometimes really lit up from it ... .

So true! With my ex, I recall one of our biggest fights that became an issue was because I thought she made a joke about herself. She projected an attack onto me that I spent hours and hours ineffectively defending myself against. The topic came up for several months afterward too. I want to share now that the people I most enjoy being around appreciate and give a good sense of humour. Don't let 1 crumby experience change your character like this--grow it back!

i just hope I can rebuild my life ... .

It gets easier--possibly even much better later--the psychic connection and all.  

[Cromwell]

Congrats!   Getting admitted to these courses in my area--and my entire region for that matter--is extremely difficult. So I hope you're rewarding yourself.
I get what you mean. Finding the time and a suitable specialist isn't easy. Well--I do think you'll be close to the campus T or clinics from your study. So--plus point.
Yes! So true. I didn't seek support groups and I couldn't get time (or $$) to adjunct more time with my P.
Haha Cromwell I think a healthy self-esteem is a good thing. While feeling the victim may come across from everyone from time to time, I do think the board discourages victim behaviour, let alone accepting it. I think a person isn't behaving the victim if they've accepted some responsibility on the outcomes before during or after the fact. Moreover, being proactive like searching for solutions and discussing with others seems more proactive than pro-victim. If you feel still that way (I do too), then that's still okay.  
So true! With my ex, I recall one of our biggest fights that became an issue was because I thought she made a joke about herself. She projected an attack onto me that I spent hours and hours ineffectively defending myself against. The topic came up for several months afterward too. I want to share now that the people I most enjoy being around appreciate and give a good sense of humour. Don't let 1 crumby experience change your character like this--grow it back!
It gets easier--possibly even much better later--the psychic connection and all.  

I really hope so. if i can share with you one thing that sort of causes me a ptsd replay is that during the time everything was going well with her, just out of the blue she said, without being relevant at all to anything at the time "please know you are an amazing person, dont let anyone ever put you down"

i couldnt make any sense of it at all, but those words have came to haunt me for the fact that, ive never actually felt put down by anyone as much as what she did. its almost as if I was being prepared for what was to happen. theres other things that i also looking back start to see that she was in some ways giving me warning signals, i just cant make out if they were designed to cause an insult to injury, or if she genuinely felt that I was going to end up being hurt and in some ways hoped i would detach from her, even though when i did try, she didnt let me.

or the third option that it was just another psychosis state rambling of an insane person that I try to rationalise, over analyse or make sense of, when it is pointless to even bother attempting to.

btw: its offiially 23 hours now. i havent looked so much forward to as much in life than they day i really feel at peace with myself and think from a more clinical frame of mind that what happened was not that different than being knocked down by an exotic disease that I finally built up immunity against.

[gotbushels]

if i can share with you ... .
ptsd replay ... .
she didnt let me.

Thank you for sharing Cromwell. Interesting example.

i couldnt make any sense of it at all, but those words ... .

Those ideas and the strangeness of it--I get that a little I think. When we were together, my ex would do something like that, almost like catastrophising--but in a more subdued way. I can then see how you get this feeling,

its almost as if I was being prepared for what was to happen.

It's a tough one. I think it's tough because I actually share this kind of thing in my 'healthy' relationships, like when I'm helping a friend think through a situation in life or at work. E.g., "this is how you can approach this issue, it works, don't let people try to run you down with X thing".

If I were to compare and contrast, I think I say these things with an unspoken expectation of continuity of the relationship into perpetuity, but my ex (and yours too) would probably say it thinking that the relationship would follow the pattern of her other relationships: it's going to terminate at some point. I would venture away from reading too much into it because I don't think pwBPDs have this kind of "omnipotence". I think it's simply their way of describing how their  interpersonal relationships have that "pattern of" being "unstable and intense". Nothing supernatural there.

... .that what happened was not that different than being knocked down by an exotic disease that I finally built up immunity against.

Interesting analogy. Being involved with a pwBPD can actually have that kind of similarity--exotic because we don't recognise what it's like for a partner; a time-suck, draining. Many of us did get something out of it during the relationship so it's probably more fair to look at it like some kind of parasitic symbiosis.

btw: its offiially 23 hours now. i havent looked so much forward to as much in life than they day i really feel at peace with myself and think from a more clinical frame of mind

I like the optimism, peace, and structure of this. Good on you Cromwell.