Life Gets Better

[Juan Pablo]

Hello BPD family,

I've been here for awhile but not posted much.  I did post my story last summer. I moved out of my home in early July last year and have been staying with my oldest son and his wife.
I went LC and spent months doing work on myself and my emotions.  Those months were so difficult. A part of me wanting so bad to just go home and be with this woman I loved so much. It was easy to forget about all the abuse I endured, all the rage, the visits by the police to my house responding to DV calls (her abuse against me). This board, you all, helped me so much as I worked thru radical acceptance of truth. In late November I finally retained an attorney and filed for divorce in December. I am now weeks away from having the divorce finalized.

I am the happiest that I have been in years and years. Even though I still have pain. I still experience a lot of anxiety. I am on cloud 9. It is kind of wierd. I am anxious about getting thru these final steps of the divorce, my uBPDw has made everything difficult thru the divorce. But at the same time I am happy with so much joy in my heart. I have reconnected with my daughter and we now have the relationship I always wanted with her. I am thankful for my uBPDw because of her I sought growth, and that growth translates into all of our relationships. It has been a very painful and difficult four years with my soon to be uBPDxw. But I wouldn't change a thing. I grew. I developed character. I developed into a better father and man.

I am so happy being single. Nobody controlling my agenda. Nobody raging at me. Go eat what I want when I want. Go see my kids and grandkids when I want. Life is good. Maybe someday I will seek a dinner companion, but at this point I LOVE MY FREEDOM.  Lol. I like my company. Lol

I can't wait to get back in my house. To have privacy (I know my son is feeling the same). To be in my kitchen with my tools and cook what I want. Ahhhh heaven. Lol

My plan is to sell my house and I am moving to Savannah.  I love that town and right there by the ocean.

Hang in there my friends. You have more strength then you know. Tears last but for a night but joy comes in the morning. Do the hard work to make it thru your night. The only person that holds your happiness is you. Life is so good.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 Congratulations, Juan Pablo.  It is great that you have found such freedom, peace and happiness.   I am separated from my husband and staying with my daughter and her family.  Like you, I have tried to stay LC and work on myself.  Just the other day as I ate lunch out by myself, I was thinking how nice it was to own my own time and not be nervous and rushing to get home (walking on eggshells).  I also am enjoying visiting with family at a leisurely pace.  After years of blaming, chaos, name calling, intimidation, I finally feel peace.

Your story is so encouraging.  It’s great to hear that you are the happiest you have been in years.  It makes me want to hang in there even though it is tough going.

Thanks so much  for sharing.  I’ve heard too much of a good thing is a good thing!
Wishing you as much happiness as your heart can hold.

Mustbe

[heartandwhole]

Juan Pablo,

It's great to hear from you. It sounds like things are really looking up for you—you are past the stage of survivor, and become a thriver! Do you think so, too?

Being able to tap into joy again is wonderful. It took my quite some time to be able to do that after my breakup. In my experience, too, there are gifts that come from going through the pain.  

What do you think helped you the most to get through the dark moments?

I wish you joy and peace as you start the next chapter of your life.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi Juan Pablo,

It’s nice to see a member drop in and give us an update. Your experience gives hope to others life does get better 

[Cromwell]

Well done very happy for you Juan

its strange that I have also had episodic moments of what id call, bouts of high euphoria for no apparent reason other than that ive started to regain a normal life.

just goes to show what I had taken for granted before I met her.

good luck in Savannah and your new future.

misty

[Cyssero4]

Thank you this inspiring story. You have galvanised me to get through this.

[Juan Pablo]

Mustbe,

I am so happy to hear you are on your journey.  It is hard but so worth it. You speaking of going out and eating alone reminds me of a conversation I just had with my son a few weeks ago.  I had just come home from dining out and sharing details of my day and mentioned the great meal. He couldn't believe I would go out and eat alone. To me, right now, that relaxed and quiet dining alone is heaven. I talk to the wait staff and just treat them with kindness to try and make their day better. It is so nice to be out and not have my BPDw triggering on the waitstaff over the stupidest things. It is such sweet peace to have that meal alone.

Hang in there and persevere, it is worth it. I have read over and over on these boards to just be really kind to yourself. It is so true. We are all wonderfully imperfect people and you are so worthy to be loved. Especially giving love to yourself. 

[Juan Pablo]

HandW

Thank you so much!

I do think if I am not in the thriving, I am knocking on that door.  The things that have helped me to survive, grow, accept and start moving forward... .good question.

First, I have been seeing a T for the last 4 years. Initially it was MC, then when it started becoming obvious to the T my wife had some bigger needs we went into separate counseling. That was the best thing for me. Finally I could work with the T to focus on my stuff.

I had been lurking here for several years before signing up last summer. I consumed as much of the material as I could. Applied the tools that seemed appropriate. Read, read, read every bodies stories. This all helped me to wrap my mind around the illness, the struggles that my BPDw faced, to accept that I was part of the relationship problems, and to finally take an inventory and make a decision to get out.

What really helped me persevere over the past eight months when I was tempted to go back was to read the board with folks trying to improve their relationships. I admire and respect everyone putting in that kind of effort. But it reminded me that even these folks working so hard, applying all the tools, still went thru the cycles with their pwBPD and just struggling. My uBPDw refused treatment. She walked out of T two years ago. I gave her another year to see if she would own her stuff. When she didn't I decided I can't love her more then she loves herself.

Over the past week I have been dealing with accepting the loss of my uBPDw 4 grown kids and 3 grandkids that I am crazy about. It is heartbreaking to me and I am grieving that loss right now.

[Foursome]

Juan Pablo

I am so sorry about the grief for the children involved.  That's a very sad part about all this stuff that I am dealing with myself.

However,  It seams you have come a long way and are feeling much better.

I sure hope I can get there soon.  I have been through so much in my life.  Hard stuff to deal with but never anything so deep and lasting is the pain I am in now.

Its good to hear that everyone telling me "it will get better" isn't feeding me a line.

I wish you much success in the future and the opening of that door you speak of.

Just remember sometimes its alot more satisfying to kick it open rather than using the doorknob.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Very inspirational.  Thank you.  Good luck with your future. x

[heartandwhole]

Juan Pablo,

I'm so glad that you were able to get individual therapy. It really helped me, too. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn't weird or crazy and that I could come out of the loss with a better life.

I decided I can't love her more then she loves herself.

Wise words.

Over the past week I have been dealing with accepting the loss of my uBPDw 4 grown kids and 3 grandkids that I am crazy about. It is heartbreaking to me and I am grieving that loss right now.

That is heartbreaking, JP. I'm sorry.   Are you keeping in touch with them?

heartandwhole