I questioned her loyalty, she broke up. Now she's frantically getting in touch.

[Spam591]

BPD gf of 1.5 years suddenly asked for a break because of me questioning her loyalty. Then a myriad of mini things she didn’t like (me liking an ex gf of 15 years ago Instagram post, talking to an employee who she doesn’t like,etc... )  became huge issues and led her to suddenly dump me.

It appears that She then spent the weekend with another man. Could be completely wrong but that’s how it appears.

I started to move on and hadn’t responded to her texts/calls in for days. She then frantically is ringing my phone and texting me. Her frantic efforts go from asking me if I’m going to spend Easter with her family ( what?) to seeing if I am okay and haven’t hurt myself to accusing me of cheating all within about an hour of time. I responded “hey, I’m good just doing me and no I don’t want to meet your family under these conditions.

Another few days of no contact go by and she hits me up again about financial stuff. I lay out that I’m going to stop paying rent her car her credit card at the beginning of May. She then uses a guilt statement and says “you wouldn’t say stuff like that if you loved me like you said you do over the last 1.5 years)

We then fought more via text and she texts me accusing me of being on dating sites saying this

“Don’t  sit here and point your ugly finger at me dude “You can get anyone you want, remember? And I'm an unstable, unfair, cold hearted girl, right?” “So here's your opportunity to get a good one! :-)”

I text her back and tell her “I am just doing me right now and hope you have a good Easter with your family”.

She responds “Awesome, continue to do you & not hit me up” “I don’t need your F’ed ed up energy” “ Have a good easter (heart emoji)”

I have no clue whether to chase her or just stop responding. We are supposed to go to a huge festival in two weeks with mutual friends. She has stated she wants to go because she wants to “end a 1.5 year relationship on good terms”. I told her I am not going under our current relationship condition and don’t want Anything but a romantic relationship with her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Spam591]

Btw, during the break up she clearly mentioned three or four times that “we will never date again. Ever” I sort of take this seriously but also feel like she just said it to hurt me. She also said “I told my mom what’s going on between us and I still want you to come spend Easter with my family”, “ and we can do all the fun things we had planned this summer together as friends or we can never see each other again”. This was after the initial breakup.

[lostandconfused6]

So sorry you have to deal with this

I know all to well about these random break ups i got completely painted black last weekend because "i'm a know it all and he can't spend the rest of his life with someone that is always right and i'm obnoxious when i drive because i'm always playing with the radio" he can't possibly get over these things and he had to break up with me because as much good as there is in me and as much as i do for him he can't deal with those things... .but yet i've dealt with him lying and cheating and verbally abusing me every other week... .he snapped out of it in a couple hours and is now in therapy but none the less it still frustrates, hurts, and confuses me... .

Like you i also tend to assume he does these kind of things because he is going to do something he knows is wrong or that i wouldn't be ok with... .honestly i'll never know half the time what really took place but it is hard not to assume the worst

With your situation you have the decide what is best for you, if you want to put in the work and try the tools or if you want to go your separate ways?

Does she do this often? Is she in therapy? Does she have frequent dysregulations or rages?
 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sam591,



Welcome to the community! This is a tough situation. I can understand your wanting advice about what to do. You are definitely not alone. Many members have been through something similar. Many people with BPD have trouble regulating their emotions, and their behavior can be impulsive.

What would you like to see happen?

Keep posting. We're listening.

heartandwhole

[Spam591]

Hi Sam591,



Welcome to the community! This is a tough situation. I can understand your wanting advice about what to do. You are definitely not alone. Many members have been through something similar. Many people with BPD have trouble regulating their emotions, and their behavior can be impulsive.

What would you like to see happen?

Keep posting. We're listening.

heartandwhole

I would like to reconcile and build a new relationship.

[Spam591]

An update: last night she sent me a text with a link to a song “Dark Times” which basically says now is not the right time for you to love me, my own mother couldn’t love me right now”

I sent her a heart emoji.

She replies back with a meme of a dog eating a strawberry. The dog has the caption “me” over it and the strawberry has the caption “ur affection”.  Is this a warning? Or a sign that she wants my affection?

[heartandwhole]

Sounds to me like she wants your affection, but is also wary of getting close again. It may trigger unpleasant feelings in her, like fear and guilt/shame.

When you were fighting by text, you made it clear that you wanted a romantic relationship, and won't go to the festival as an ex/friend. I think that was a good move to be clear about what you want.

Have you told her straight up that you want to reconcile and work on the relationship?

 

[CryWolf]

I also agree with HeartandWhole about stating you wanting a romantic relationship. I think she may be afraid of closeness at this moment but also is confused how to process her emotions.

[Spam591]

She just sent me a text saying “happy Easter hope your day is going well” with a picture of herself.

I’m thoroughly confused. Think I might keep my distance for a while.

[Radcliff]

Sam591,

How have the last couple of days gone?  Are you still interested in a romantic relationship?

Don't chase her, but don't give her the cold shoulder, either.  The one going the slowest in the relationship has the power.  So go slow, but respond if she contacts you.  Neutral to slightly warm interactions are the way to go.  Cool interactions or ignoring her will make her feel rejected.  Getting too warm may make her run.  You want to be a steadying influence and not get sucked into a push-pull cycle.  As you are allowing things to very slowly warm up, get some rest and use the peace to do some introspection and "do you" as you say.  Does this sound like a reasonable way to go?

WW