Why do I keep getting my hopes up?

[Scout206]

My BPD traits D30 was receiving DBT and I thought that things were getting better.   She cut her brother and I out of her life almost 2 years ago and I continue to reach out to her.  I have read so many books that my head is swimming.   It did initially help to have a “diagnosis” but I am losing faith in my ability to hang in there.   I don’t think she is aware of her BPD – if she is, she is not sharing that with me.   She told me that her DBT counselor went on maternity leave and she had to see someone else who is just doing “talking” therapy.  She said she didn’t really need DBT because it was “mostly for addicts.”

 My daughter has a good life.   She was not abused nor was she abandoned.  She was cherished and she still is.  It seems that she has made up a previous life that isn’t real.  In that life I was (am) a very bad person who is to be blamed for everything.  I know that she tells everyone untrue things about me and I don’t even care anymore.  We were making some progress (I thought) but after having dinner a few weeks ago, I was cut off again.  Apparently I said something wrong – I never know what it is.    There is again no communication.   She was waiting for results on a cervical biopsy and I have asked her if I can at least know how that came out.  No reply.  I feel that this is emotional abuse but of course, I still worry. I have been seeing a counselor for 6 weeks but I’m not sure it is a good match.   I need some guidance in accepting the fact that she does not love me and I will not be at her July wedding or in her life.   I will probably not see my grandchildren.  My heart has been destroyed and I need to know how to make peace with that instead of driving myself into a constant state of anger, hurt, anxiety, depression and hopelessness.   Thanks for listening – again.  Scout206

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

I believe you when's you say you cherished her.  And I can see why you're considering making peace with what amounts to the death of your relationship as opposed to remaining in the anger/pain/depression mode. 

What if there's a third option?   Not saying I know what it is () but what if? 

[Arrrgh]

Welcome to my life.

[please]

Hi Scout206
I am sorry you have been through all that. We share the same thoughts and frustrations. I really have not great wise advice but to say that I care.
Hopefully someone with a similar situation will post their experience for you to learn from...
Warmly,
Please

XXX

[Scout206]

Dear Arrrgh
I am sorry that you are going through this hell as well.  Sometimes while reading some of the stories that parents tell, I think I should feel fortunate that we're cut off instead of living with someone that we can't get out of our home.  I just need to find a way to some peace and acceptance of my situation.  It truly feels like mourning a death, probably a suicide because I keep asking myself "what could I have done differently?"   I can't stop feeling that I am to blame for this situation because that is what she has drummed into my head for years.  She has also cut off my family and most of our family friends who have known her since she was born.  What do you say to people when they ask about her? 
Thank you for any input you may have.
Scout

[Arrrgh]

Scout, in terms of what I tell people, I always incline toward the truth.  That doesn't mean I have to get into details--the suicide attempts, the hospitalizations, etc.  I'm not really sure what I will say going forward because this is all fairly new.  But you're right, I think it is better to be cut off than to have your life be a living hell. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206,

I am so sorry you are going through this right now, I understand how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.

I too have been down that road, thinking that progress is being made only to have the door slammed in my face. Yet I still kept going back for more in my blind hope of having even the tiniest chance of some kind of relationship with my son.
It is so cruel that your daughter hasn’t replied to you regarding her biopsy results. Have you heard anything yet?

Scout, you ask for “guidance in accepting the fact that she does not love me”. That is a really hard fact for any parent to accept. How does this sound to you, “she thinks that she does not love me right now”. Do you think that you would be able to accept this?
I am sure that she loves you very much, she just doesn’t realise it. I feel this with my son. Underneath his cold and emotionless exterior I know there is a heart full of love. If only it would come back to the surface... .

You are currently in a deep dark place full of hopelessness and despair, I know that place, I was there myself, and not too long ago. There is hope and there can be peace. It just takes time. Keep posting, keep reading, keep learning. When you need support ask for it and you will get it. Bucketfuls. Take care of yourself, your needs, you are important and your life matters.

We are with you Scout   x

[Scout206]

Many thanks to all of you who have taken the time to reply.  Reaching out is so hard because it is difficult to put the excruciating pain into words.   I know I will make it through this - I just don't know how right now.   Feeling Better you give me hope that I can survive this.  No, I have heard nothing about her biopsy results but I try not to dwell on it.  And yes it feels better to learn to live with "she thinks she does not love me right now" - thank you for that thought.

Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206

Something else has come to my mind which I forgot to mention in my previous post.

In the early days when I was at rock bottom and couldn’t see my way forward, all I focused on was my loss, my life was unbearable and I didn’t care whether I lived or not because I couldn’t face a life without my loving, caring son. The fact that I had the rest of my family who loved me made no difference whatsoever. I was eaten up with worry that my son had a mental illness and there was nothing I could do about it, I feared for him every day.

I’m not sure when exactly I managed to turn my thoughts around, it was after I had found this site. Instead of continually thinking the worst I started to look at things from a different perspective. Yes, I still knew that my son had an illness but instead of it dominating my thoughts I managed to put it to the back of my mind by visualising my son living his life how he wanted to and being happy.

As long as I can believe that my son is happy then I can live with that. At the end of the day isn’t that what we all want for our kids? For them to be happy?

I don’t know whether what I have shared will help you Scout, at least you know that you are not alone x 

[Scout206]

Feeling Better
Once again, thank you for your insight and for sharing your trauma and healing process.  Your posts help me get through the day.   I am in that low spot that you describe and I fear for her every day.  But as far as I know, she is not suffering as I am.  I would never wish this pain on her.   When I was first cut off, I didn't think that I could live without her in my life.  Now I know that I can - I just have to figure out how to do it.  I just downloaded a book that was recommended to me ":)one with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children" by Sheri MacGregor, MA.  I have just started it but so far so good.  I can use any help that I can find right now.  I am so grateful for the support that you and the other wonderful people on this discussion forum have offered to me.   I am trying to 'pay it forward' whenever I can.     
Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206,

When I was first cut off, I didn't think that I could live without her in my life.  Now I know that I can - I just have to figure out how to do it.

Wow, that is a huge step forward for you to acknowledge that you can live your life without your daughter, and I know you will figure out how to do it.

I know it’s not the life that you want or the life that you had planned, it’s the life that you have to try to accept. You are doing great Scout and I promise you, you will get there. Just hang in there, keep posting and learning and sharing.

Yes, I too saw Merlot’s post where she mentioned that book, so I decided to take a look inside the book on Amazon. I think it will prove to be a good read and when I’ve finished the current book that I’m reading I intend to download that one too. I look forward to hearing your thoughts as you progress through the book x


  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Scout206,

      I'm just now joining the conversation. Let me share hope, love and encouragement with you. Being in the place you are in now really sucks! I was struck by the comment you made "accepting the fact that she doesn't love me". For a mother nothing could hurt more. I use to feel that way. My daughter told me everyday how much she hated me, and didn't love me. I use to cry all the time. That was years ago. Part of my own therapy included learning to accept her for who she is. (which was not what I wanted her to be)
      Now after years of practice, years of learning HOW to interact with her and learning just how this disorder affects her mind and HER REALITY, I can say I know my daughter loves me, no matter what she verbalizes. When I came to understand that her fear and her emotions drive what she says from moment to moment; things changed. There is a lesson here on the board about radical acceptance maybe look at it and see what you think. I had to learn that my daughter loves me, and accept that she cannot show or tell me in a way that I would expect.
     I'm glad you're here and sharing. Keep posting, keep us up on how you're coping.