Am I stupid?

[Faith Spring]

Last night I showed my daughter, 17, the list of items she has damaged in our home, including the costs to repair the car she dented.  Things like smearing coffee grinds on my work clothes, peeing on her dads work boots, tossing a new heater into the woods, etc.  the costs came to about $1000.  Now I held this $ in her account to try to teach her she's accountable. 

Well I am stupid.  I left her room with a plan to pay her $130 a month for the next 10 months otherwise she'd continue to call me a thief and press felony charges when she turns 18.

This experience, the rages, the confusion, the terror, the grief, and yes I am grieving the way a mother grieves for her lost child.  I am.    No one gets that. 
Anyway the experience has brought my IQ down a few points.  I just don't want to hear her threats and accusations so I am giving her the $ back and she said she'll keep the rotted food out of her room in exchange. 

She was diagnosed by her psychiatrist to have depression and a personality disorder about 4 months ago.  I think it's BPD.  Whatever it is, it has defeated me.  And that's saying a lot.  At 50 I've survived a lot.  Being held at gunpoint, knifepoint, breast cancer, chemo, I'm not one to be defeated.   But I am. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Oh, Faith Spring, I am so sorry.  You ARE NOT stupid.  You are an exhausted parent who is doing her best in an situation that is unimaginable to most people.  But we here get it.  We are behind you and are ready to listen and, above all, understand.

You have been supporting and encouraging others on this board.  You are a great mother and a very good person.  I am sorry that you are feeling defeated right now.  I have felt that way too... .but somehow we carry on... . 

Hugs, MomMae 

[Cosybear]

You are NOT stupid! BPD is such a hard diagnosis.  Having a daughter with BPD I feel often has broken me, too!  I'm sorry you had such a bad night.  I hate those kind of nights.  My D19 has moved out of the house.  She actually graduated from high school from a treatment facility for people who self-harm among other things.  When she lived with us, she stole from us.  She would cut herself and then show her younger sister. She would take her sister's clothes and cut them up.  She would take pills if her sister had a guy over to do homework.  She of course yelled at us all the time and told me what a horrible mother I was to her sister and that as soon as she turned 18 she was going to try and adopt her sister.  It all sound crazy.  But, as soon as she moved out, although her diagnosis and BPD behaviors did not stop, we started to feel some peace in our home again.  I started to feel emotionally much safer.  Now that she's moved out, it's been very difficult at moments but I so prefer her living somewhere else.  I'm trying to heal. It's difficult because she seems like she's improving until a guy breaks up with her.  Then she's back to the manipulative self-harm to try and get him back through guilt? I am currently trying to decide when it's okay to unfollow her on instagram so I don't have to see her posting about her reckless lifestyle.  Anyway, please don't think you're stupid.  Life with a child with BPD is hard.  Period. Everyone here understands 100%.

[Ednamae]

Oh Faith Spring! I am so very sorry! I, too, am feeling defeated! My D is 21. We just recently got the BPD diagnosis when she was hospitalized a few months ago from threatening suicide (again). Hindsight now... .she had it for years. But she also has a history of breaking things! Holes in our walls (it's just her and I at home), broken doors, broken sentimentpieces of mine. I have found out recently that she suffers dissasociation... .after her "episodes", she won't remember. She has cut herself and even tried to strangle herself in front of me. I don't know if your daughter also experiences this. I just know I feel for you! I wish I could help... .but please know you're not alone!

[bluek9]

Faith Spring,

      Make me number 5 in this list of GETTING IT WITH YOU! I'll quote Cosybear "life with a child with BPD is hard, period" I often fins myself using the serenity prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It helps me keep my sanity, especially when one of the bad days roll over me.
      I'm not clear on your finances with her work, I'm my daughters payee. That means I make the budget, I dool out the money(her allowance) to her. She can meltdown all she wants, but thee will be accountability.
      Be easy and soft on yourself, we have to come first.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

FaithSpring, no you are not stupid at all! With BPD you absolutely have to pick your battles, otherwise you would die from exhaustion! Not all battles are worth fighting especially if they have the potential to make your life worse long term (i.e. your kid would be relentless).

You are doing a good job! you are an awesome Mom.

Maybe when things settle down you could tell her that any new damages going forward she will be charged for? That could be a good compromise - she has notice that it's going to happen, and you still get to enforce a boundary around her damaging your things. Just a thought!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

This experience, the rages, the confusion, the terror, the grief, and yes I am grieving the way a mother grieves for her lost child.  I am.    No one gets that. 

oh my goodness, yes. I believe I have fully grieved my daughter as if she'd died several times over, especially with everything she put us through this past year. I so understand what you are going through.

You are strong! You can do this! One day at a time, and don't be hard on yourself. There's always another opportunity to present boundaries, with these kids it's just non-stop opportunities! 

  sending you lots of hugs

[Faith Spring]

Thanks my friends.  I really needed that support.  I'm grateful we have this place to contemplate and share.  I don't feel dumb anymore.  I see now it was a battle I chose not to pick because it would've been relentless.  I could see her filing her lawsuit in small claims court on her 18th bday.  No thanks.

I took the day off from work to settle my nerves.  I was twitching and jumping at loud sounds and all that, you know what I mean.  Also taking the day gave me a sense of control over my life and I needed that, it was as if I'd been bull-dozed.  

What a blessing to have each other.  I think it would be Hell if not for the encouragement and compassion we share here.  

[please]

Yo my friend are NOT STUPID. You are a caring person, desperate to make things better. It such a confusing, tormenting place to be with this illness.
You are thinking of the future and you predicted correctly about lawsuits etc.
That makes you strong, and you made the right choice!
Way to go!
XXX

[Merlot]

This experience, the rages, the confusion, the terror, the grief, and yes I am grieving the way a mother grieves for her lost child.  . 

Hi Faith Spring

I grieve with you, I'm still struggling with acceptance, although through learning about BPD and the support I get here I am gaining confidence in my approach and as i inch my way forward.

I just don't want to hear her threats and accusations so I am giving her the $ back and she said she'll keep the rotted food out of her room in exchange. 

I think this you really trying to set some boundaries and make some changes. Take heart in the fact that you revised maybe a big change, into considering something that is more manageable for her.  Can you seek her support and agreement in how she can compense you for the damage?

At 50 I've survived a lot.  Being held at gunpoint, knifepoint, breast cancer, chemo, I'm not one to be defeated.   But I am. 

You have survived a lot and you will never be defeated, for no matter how challenging BPD is, you have been the best mother you can be and in recognising your value and taking care of you, you will re-balance and gain your strength.

Take care
Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith Spring

You are definitely not stupid, in fact I think that you are amazing. I feel that in the short time you have been back here posting again you have achieved so much, so well done you 

I read your post today in the ‘Good News’ thread, it was a pleasure to read, I love reading about successes and yours is a very uplifting post.

Did you have a good day with your daughter today?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Thanks Feeling Better!  

Today was a baby step day.  Small step ahead, instant retreat.  

A few nights ago She and I agreed she'd help me carry the groceries to the house from now on.  Today I came home with only 2 bags so I just brought them in.  She !came out of her room! Started helping me unpack! She was Complaining that this wasn't really the agreement but I said "thanks" and yeah savor that nugget because she raged for about an hour afterward. Calling me piece of sh@@ and stupid and neglectful. . . But something changed.  It was me, not her.  

I told her I was going in my room as she was screaming and would talk another time.  So proud of myself.  I stayed calm.  I saw the connection between her effort to help me and the fear it caused her.  The fear was a closer relationship with me. The fear caused her anger.  

Think about it, isn't most anger born from fear? Even racism and hatred, it's based in fear of the unfamiliar.  Not to go too far off topic, it's just I started to see her reaction as quite naturally a human reaction.  That made me feel better that I am on the right track.  I'm feeling empathy instead of resentment.  

So yeah.  I'll call it a good day.  Thanks for asking and thanks to my buddies out there for reading.  Hope you're feeling my support, I know I do feel yours.  

[Yepanotherone]

Brilliant baby steps Faith , you rocked it girl . Walking away and creating that space will get easier and you’ll find that it really does help . Also it works the other way too . My DD walks away when she needs her space and I let her now . Before I would chase after her and keep on and on , trying to make her open up to me so that I could “ fix “ whatever was going on for her . Little did I know I was only making things worse for us both .

Well done you , for staying calm and taking your space . 

[Whototurnto?]

Hi Faith

I totally get you. I am also grieving for the life I thought I was going to have with my daughter, the life I thought she was going to have, and for the beautiful girl she once was. BPD is so cruel. One day at a time, and remember you are important so look after yourself.

[Scout206]

I am cut off from my BPDDD30 by her choice.  I will miss her wedding in a couple of months and will likely not ever meet my grandchildren.  I have grieved for her for two years and I hope that one day I will learn acceptance.  It feels  like she died.  I miss for the beautiful, brilliant young woman I raised.   I want to scream  "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"   So don't think for a minute that "no one gets that"   There are many of us on this forum that "get that" all too well and experience it every day as you do.  Stay strong.  We are here for you.   
Scout206