I'm scared I've pushed him too far away

[juju2]

Stop reading fb! Yours or his.
I haven't been on fb in 6 months.  No point.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

get myself quiet, centered, stop my mind from spinning.

I have to put things on the calendar that i am doing, like tonite gym, then art class.

Tomorrow is something else.  All of this is after work.

I need to have something everyday, m-friday, that i am doing, place to be.  My life is important... .

It took me awhile to get myself going... .

What do you enjoy.  Where would you want to volunteer? 

I have to get myself out there, interact w positive people who are up to something... .it does wonders for my self esteem... .

You can do it!

I started slow, asking my friends, making friends, asking if they wanted to go to breakfast, or something.  It does a lot of good to see my people... .  and i stay positive during our visit, because I don't want to bring them down.

So I need to develop my social skills.  I had gotten isolated.

Once you get rolling, there is no stopping you!

Best,  juju

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I understand what you’re doing. I did it too. I asked everyone I could for advice and they all said the same thing. I wanted to hear “just reach out” or “send her a gift” but for 4 months everyone said what I didn’t want to hear. You are currently in that process, and I say that with kindness because I relate. It feels good to talk about it to anyone and get perspectives but it lead me to the same answer. Even the answers on here were the same my Friends gave me who aren’t in BPD relationships. And I did send a final email to my ex last week for closure on my part and leaving the ball in her court. You already did this. At a certain point you have to accept that you can’t have everything you want and need to give them what they want and that shows great character and it’s attractive. It’s not what you want but you have to be okay with it. 

[FaithfulInLove]

Juju, you're so strong, l don't know how to start with this... .
Can l just let my thoughts out?
I'm horribly codependant, I'm considering doing more than just therapy once a week. After all these stressful months l guess l could use stationary treatment or medications. I'm trying to be strong for so long, but l don't believe anymore that l can do this on my own. I've done nothing but fighting for him for nearly Eight months... He's been the only person who's been really important to me, I've been in daily touch with. It's a big shock that he might be gone forever now (or as long as that relationship will last this time... ?)

Still l don't have an answer to my letter, he probably does not want to see me next month, but I've paid for that expensive flight - is there a nice way to ask him if we can still do that? I'd die for it, but l know l mustn't let him know
Right now he doesn't seem to want to be in touch - now l see the reason behind his cold behaviour... .he's breaking his promises like he did the last time when he suddenly replaced me with her. I'm so hurt and actually don't know how to get over this. All l feel is pain while l NEED TO stay concentrated on my final exams now, urgently!

Not reaching out again is the right thing to do now, you think? I'd love to let him calm down from his "l got her back" happiness and talk then, when hopefully I'll feel a bit better... .
Just asking about the letter or about the holidays?
I don't know yet, I'm just so horribly sad right now. I don't understand why he told me he never loved her and that they aren't in touch anymore... .that he didn't add me back at on facebook after our last fight does make sense now... .guess he's been lying all the time... .or even with a thank you letter maybe, like CryWolf did... ? I guess it would be good for me to find a way to let go while the last letter was just to convince him that we still can be friends and have a nice time together and that l didn't mean to hurt him by leaving... .

You can call me crazy for still wanting to be in touch. I just don't know how to built up my own life again. I'm down too deep. There are enough men being interested in me, but... .it's only him on my mind... .

[juju2]

Feeling my feelings is the best thing for me to do.

I don't have any answers.

All i have is what I am doing.

I am severely co dependent.

I keep giving and giving, trying, more trying.  If i just did this, if I just did that.

It's exhausting for me.  It took me 6 months to get exhausted.  I was exhausted, and then all the thinking got me more exhausted.

I pray every day to stop obsessing.

I want to go back to being me.  I isolated for months  just going to work, going home, etc.  Didn't see any friends or family.

I had to get to:  I am powerless over him.

Somehow that made me feel better.  Actually, i feel better every day.  I can breathe -- it feels like I am me again... .

I go to al anon.  There is a meeting somewhere all the time, there is support there.  Or coda meetings.

I look back to before I met him, I was happy.  I can be happy.

There is something that got triggered in me, codependency, when i met him

Have read that BPD and co dependents are a classic match.

Does not mean we cannot get healthy.

am on an anti anxiety and anti depression meds.

Since this started, October.

There is hope and help here.

Keep reaching out,  juju

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm unbelievably thankful for the support I'm getting here.

I've seen my therapist twice since the shocking news of him being back to his ex to get the worst thoughts out of my head.

My goal is building myself up now, so I'm a strong person in case he comes back, considering this won't last too long with her... .I feel mean by hoping that, but I don't want things to work out for them because I can't stop thinking that we belong (I know that's quite stupid, egoistic and naive).

So, what my therapist told me is to write down all the negative things he did to me so I can put some daylight between myself and him, then distract and focus on myself a lot because a BPD relationship takes a strong partner and that's what I should become until we're back in touch.

I don't think I've done something too horrible for him to come back... .actually I think he would have given me my space or even begged me to come back soon if things didn't work out so well with that girl again... .we both have REALLY been looking forward to seeing each other soon... .we really meant a lot to each other, that's why it hurts me so much to see that leaving is so easy for him now.

Thanks to the ones still reading me, listening and giving further advice! It means a lot!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello, bpdfamily!

I know that focosing on myself is the right way at the moment, that I need to be distracted and think about him less. I'd still love to take this forum as a place to get my thoughts about him out and would love to hear your thoughts on all this.

I didn't hear from him still. No reply to my letter, no more blocking me or anything and I haven't been reaching out since then. He could have texted me, telling me that he has a girlfriend, rubbing it in to hurt me, but he doesn't do it - that he does nothing worries me, makes me think maybe I'll really never hear from him again.  He doesn't know that I know he got his ex back.

I've stopped checking his social media every minute, but I can't stop myself yet from still checking every now and then. I wanna know what's going on. He has stopped posting so much, which shows me he's probably not thinking about me at all. He's probably just busy with his new family - her and her child.
He often used his social media to hurt me, now that he barely does anything on there it seems like I'm forgotten, which scares me.
In his last post he has mentioned her - maybe because she really is his entire life right now - or because he wants me to find out about him having a girlfriend this way cause he know this will hurt me the most? I'll never know.

I wonder, is he not getting back to me after reading the letter because he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not? Or he doesn't know how to tell me about his girlfriend or her about me? Or does he want to leave the door open in case things don't work out with her... .?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I'm all confused but I'm afraid you don't know anything more than I do.

Our friendship was a promise which I just don't wanna believe he can break, it's too painful for me. I don't wanna get used to the the thought of maybe that was it... .after all that we've been through - just replaced?

We're not talking for almost 3 weeks now and the past two years we never stayed no contact for more than a few days.

Is there still a chance he'll get back to me? Any thoughts?
I'm trying to build myself up, but unfortunately I'm just trying it for him. My social media postings are positive while actually I'm not at all - is this the right way?

Thanks for listening

[CryWolf]

Checking his social media is very normal. Its a common theme in all breakups, but in time you will find yourself checking less and less. When these urges come up, try to do anything that doesnt involve a form of internet so you wont be able to check. For example, call a friend, movie, walk in the park, take yourself to the movies, or dinner alone. Doing things alone is frightening at first but solitude and being comfortable alone is one of the most attractive things one can obtain.

I dont think youre necessarily forgotten, but your ex does a good job making you feel like that. Shoot my ex does it too. Perhaps its stonewalling/st to punish you, perhaps they did move on? Perhaps they are hurting too and their new r/s is to suppress the feelings with you. These ruminating thoughts are going to be with you for a while. They were with me for so long, and still are but they become less and less. What helps me is "I know im the best option for my ex, and if they dont see it thats their loss". I started telling myself, i know what i bring to the table, I know what ive done for her and her words and acts of invalidation are not a reflection of who I am. Its hard, trust me. You feel second best at times and feel worthless. But youre not, youre worth so much more.

maybe this video will help you a bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7zBJl6iYpE
His videos help me a lot.

Also check this out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOCbwZbuDZM

I think its very important to learn about attachment styles. I have an anxious one, and i think you may too. I consumed myself with learning this stuff for months before I came on this site. Please watch the videos, even if you cant relate much, the knowledge is so beneficial. Ive learned so much watching these two channels.

I wonder, is he not getting back to me after reading the letter because he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not? Or he doesn't know how to tell me about his girlfriend or her about me? Or does he want to leave the door open in case things don't work out with her... .?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I'm all confused but I'm afraid you don't know anything more than I do.

Youre going to drive yourself crazy, with all these "hypothetical" questions. And I mean this with respect and love. This is what i heard from my friends, and it was terrible hearing it at first but it helped me better control a grasp of myself. Because all these possibilities and questions all result in no answers unless its from him. Im an anxious person and i can relate with your thoughts  
Radical acceptance, please please please try to practice it when you can. Its hard, but its what a lot of members on here kept recommending to me and something that helped against these self destructive thoughts. its okay to be scared and confused. We all are, but when these moments come, nothing is better than being strong when all you want to do is cry. Eventually your ex will see and realize how you stopped chasing and just "stopped caring" when in reality you still care. Even if their with someone new, you will cross their mind and they will wonder about you. People with BPD dont just forget someone. No one can just forget someone, especially if their was a connection.

Is there still a chance he'll get back to me? Any thoughts?
I'm trying to build myself up, but unfortunately I'm just trying it for him. My social media postings are positive while actually I'm not at all - is this the right way?

There could be a chance this new "fling" or 'r/s' would crash. They did break up before so you never know. We all are designed to thing that they will ride off to the sunset and live happily ever after, but this is mostly never the case.

Keep posting positive things, but dont make it obvious that its to get his attention. Do things that make you happy. Start hanging out with people of the opposite sex even if its casual. Try to make yourself the 'star" of your own movie, the star of your own life. When times get hard keep telling yourself. "im the star in this movie". Put yourself first and great things will come.

To give you some hope, I post things i never did before, things that me and her did together but alone or with other people, Im showing im unfazed by the break up or her. And apparently she was talking about me on her blog and even missing me?. People see change whether positive or negative. so make it positive  

sadly all these things take time.


Did you get a refund on those tickets? I apologize if youve answered this before.

[FaithfulInLove]

Wow, CryWolf!
Thank you for that long helpful reply! 

No, the plane tickets aren't refundable - the hotel still is, but I don't feel like cancelling until he answered if that makes any sense? When in my letter I'm saying "Hey, let's do this no matter what! I want to be friends!" just cancelling seems wrong to me. I'm still hoping too much that the holidays will happen cause he has promised me they will happen no matter what only a few days before he left... .but the only chance that they will is his girlfriend leaving again, I guess... .that's why I'm stressing.

I've been checking out the videos this morning and liked them a lot. Honestly, I don't know what kind of attachment style I have.
I suffer social anxieties which makes me push people far away because I'm so scared of not being able to meet their needs - might look like avoidant attachment on the outside, but I guess inside of me I'm extremely anxious - that's why I started therapy. Towards him I was definitely very anxious - at least in the ending.

The whole ending of the relationship hurt me THAT much because I always wanted to be independant from everyone, loved being alone, rather pushed people away who came too close - not in borderline way, but by telling them sorry, I really do need my space - but my ex managed to break these borders by being quite manipulative (saying he would leave, or hurt or even kill himself when I don't get into a relationship with him) - I got used to him and loneliness is scaring me now, I am not being my old self and don't know how to get it back.

He got to know my weak spots, used them to make me talk to him in every free minute I had - which wasn't me at all with my big need for space - and so I didn't even feel the need to meet any new friends in the city I just moved to, I had him and my hobbys and that was enough.
I already told you he left me because he felt unimportant and abandoned because I put my hobbys first (which were an issue between us always) on the wrong day - although I already had changed so much for him and was there for him always. I know I shouldn't have changed for anyone, but I'm not sure if I really was happy before - I think I've been lying to myself a lot when I was saying that I don't really need anyone close.

When I do things on my own now, it makes me miss him. I always had him with me on my phone. Whenver I looked at it, he was there. Now I'm all alone, only have friends and family hours away from me.
I'm calling my friends a lot lately, but I feel needy for wanting them to be there for me now that I'm feeling miserable. I also can't imagine meeting new people now because who'd like to spend time with someone depressive and anxious like me? I want people to get to know me the way I actually am - this wreck of person is not me and it'll take a lot of work to get myself out of these desperate feelings. My concentration is gone, I'm bad at listening and all I ever talk about is him. I see I've lost interest in anything - I thought putting him over everything would make him come back, but you see how much that worked out... .

The thought of him coming back when I get stronger helps me the most. Trying to accept that maybe he won't talk to me again is the worst thing for me, it makes my life feel completely useless and I just wanna die, it's that bad.
Yes, I love him, but being friends again would be enough for me. The way he broke all his promises, changed his mind so much within a day just because I needed space for once, that's something I can't handle. The feeling that the one person I trusted has left me completely and doesn't care at all anymore is unbearable for someone like me. So thank you for your words, CryWolf - that he can't just forget me - they help me a lot and I hope you're right.

I'm happy I got away from doing nothing but crying. That's what the months after the break up looked like. Now at least I'm trying to do stuff that makes me happy and when I talk to my friends, sometimes I'm even laughing again.

It's the worst for me now when people ignore me - he really has changed something about me. I need attention now, which I've always feared so much in the past.

I'll try to listen to you, CryWolf and to everything that Juju said of course.

I'm sorry I keep talking so much, I feel like all this has to get out of me, that I need to talk, talk, talk so I can get over what happened. The loneliness is horrible for me although real communication with him broke down so long ago and I spent so much time waiting for his anwers. It's heavy for me to stop waiting - it made me suffer a lot, but I got used to it. I know I need to get away from that.