Daughter says she will stay in her room and cut herself if I make her stay home

[hopeless713]

My daughter has BPD she stopped cutting herself for about and year and a half. Starting cutting herself again worse than last time. Says she feels unsafe. she threatens when I say she can not go over a friends house. She says she will just be up in her room and cut herself if I make her stay home. Today she has yelled at me with her friends who I let spend the night and belittled me in front of them. She sees and therapist and group once a week and also go to a Doctor once a month.  

I am seriously thinking of taking her to the hospital today or enrolling her into a group home therapy does't seem to be helping it does for awhile than she back slides.

Any suggestions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[please]

Hello I wish to welcome you here.
My D has BPD too and it is so hard. I hear you. I Have not had the situation you are in now. I sense that this is a turning point for you.
Have you sought help to come up with how to deal with these episodes?
One thing I learned is the "progress is not linear". She did stop cutting 1for 1.5 yrs and now cutting again. Has there been a crisis for her?
I am just throwing out ideas and I don't have the answers.

Someone will be here soon, I am sure, who has been where you are and can give better advice.

I just wanted to say HI and that I understand how hard this is.
All the best.

[Merlot]

Hi hopeless713

  to the bpdfamily

As please mentions, parents here really understand how hard this is.  It is very difficult to feel manipulated through threats and in particular as it relates to self harm, and I am glad that both you and your daughter are getting some professional support  (you mention the doctor for you... .is that a therapist?)

Personally, my DD27 only cut herself during her teenage years and it seemed more about seeking attention than manipulation.  Her go to behaviour now for manipulation is to cut us out of her life when she is challenged about her behaviour or doesn't like our boundaries.

Apart from the wonderful resources on the board, I'm sure many parents will be able to relate to your story and offer support and guidance.  There is also a wonderful book written by Shari Manning "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder".  It is very uplifting and provides information that goes to the heart of your issues.

They do falter all the time and it really is small steps.  I hope you are doing ok and we look forward to sharing your journey with you.

Take care
Merlot

[Cosybear]

I'm so sorry to hear your situation.  I understand it.  My D19 cuts and started a few years ago. When I realized this was happening we tried to remove anything she could cut with.  We hid all razors and scissors and of course enrolled her in different therapies, including DBT.  However, after several months trying what we thought was all we could do to help her at home, we found an x-acto knife in her bathroom drawer.  Here we thought we'd locked everything up but she found that in our tool box! It became crystal clear to me that we could not keep her safe at home.  After discussing it with her and her therapist, she decided she wanted to enter a long-term treatment facility/school.  I'm not saying that is a solution for everyone, especially because it's very expensive, but what a relief it was for me as a parent to know that she would be getting the best help possible and that if nothing else, she would be safe.  And, we could start focusing on other people in the family at home.  It was amazing (and still is after treatment), how much time and energy the BPD child takes from his or her parents.  She will take every ounce of my energy if I let her.  Just know you aren't alone in this difficult journey.  I have felt alone in this (with my husband, so not alone completely), for a long time.  This site helps me see I'm not.  We are here for you.

[Merlot]

Hi Cosybear

Thankyou for posting. This is such a difficult issue and im sure hopeless713 will take some comfort knowing you understand exactly how she feels.

It xan be very diificult to share these things with others. I think evrryone of us feels consumed by our BPD children. A timely reminder of being able to step back and consider a more balanced approach, also to protect our other children

Merlot

[Yepanotherone]

My DD self harmed with cutting and she’s covered in scars all over her body , a constant reminder to herself . She would carve names into her thighs , and words such as “ fat” . She has some very prominent purple welts on her arms that will never disappear but there are many more superficial scars that are now fading . She used to cut herself almost daily and it was not just superficial , there would be lots of them all down her legs and arms and her bedsheets and clothes would be covered in blood . It was just terrifying and made me feel sick to my stomach . I’d constantly be on the rummage in her room looking for fresh things that she could possibly be cutting herself with , constantly looking through her laundry basket and inspecting her clothes to see just how badly they were drenched. This was my go to, to ascertain just how badly she had likely cut herself the night before. It’s just horrific  some days she would hide her cuts , other days she would literally parade them for all to see .
I remember we had a family session with our therapist and my DD had been on a complete spree the night before. She purposely wore short sleeves and shorts , obviously with the intent of showing the therapist and us that something was going in for her .
The therapist had advised me to try and ignore it when she was parading her freshly mauled skin ... very very difficult to do . To constantly try and avert my eyes and keep my face from not crumbling was really hard . But I did see where the therapist was coming from . To draw attention to it was not helpful . But on this day , when my DD walked into the therapists office absolutely covered like she had been mauled by a tiger , the therapist couldn’t do anything BUT comment . I remember she called my DD out on it . She said “ you seem to be wearing a lot of your pain today , what’s going on ?” My DD immediately denied anything as per her usual , responding with giggles and saying “‘oh no , I’m good !” The therapist asked her if she was trying to shock or frighten us , her parents , into a reaction . My DD denied it , saying “ oh no, I don’t like anyone to see my cuts “, and the therapist responded by saying “ well but you see , I’m going to call you out on that and say that’s BS , because look at your skin and look at what you’re wearing I’d say you absolutely do want your Mum and Dad to see them . Why is that ? Do you feel like you can control them better this way ? “.

Anyway , I don’t know why I regaled that little story , it’s just the memories of feeling constantly terrified that I’d find her dead in her bed one morning because she’d perhaps accidentally cut a main artery or something .
I personally found her self harm to be one of the most difficult behaviors to cope with emotionally

  I’m rambling ! The good news is she hasn’t cut herself in 10 months . But I definitely saw that she would use her blood and her cuts to shock and frighten me . I finally started to get better at ignoring it, not batting an eye when I saw her fresh red welts . And if I was scared that she’d cut herself because she wasn’t getting her own way , I would still stick to my guns , as advised by the therapist .  Perhaps your DD is using her cutting behaviors in the same way my DD did ? I’m not saying  my DD cut herself purely to get her own way , she definitely did it to relieve her emotional pain a lot of the time , but she sure used it for other means too !

[wendydarling]

Hi hopeless713

How's it going, did you take your daughter to the hospital, any more thoughts on residential, guessing that's what you mean by group home? Woah, and just when your daughter was doing so well, 15 months not cutting, I'm sorry she's struggling right now, she does not feel safe, it's great she can tell you that. My 29 DD is two years in remission from cutting. When Yepanotherone and I met here our girls were both in crisis cutting, harming in other ways too, both ending up in A&E. How old is your daughter hopeless713? I'm wondering what has worked for her, she has previously been successful?

As please says the recovery road is not linear, for my DD it's a matter of practicing/using her DBT skills daily - it's a way of life.

I'm not sure if this helps you or other parents whose children cut, at the time I found this conversation of parents helpful.
BPD Behaviours: self injury and self harm

Is the yelling that happened new?

WDx