What would you do ?

[Shawnlam]

For some reason I have this thought where I want to reach out to her again and test my new found understanding of BPD even though the damage is done from her disrespecting me and cheating on me.I pretty sure she’s moved on given the lack of communication from her completely.Im on the fence post do I ask her to meet ? Do I attempt communication because I know she hasn’t blocked me ,or do I just give up this futile gesture to fix our relationship? Start healing properly and stop subjecting myself to endless drama if she would even have me back to begin with? Yeah I miss her so much and still love her which is part of the problem honestly. I did leave her so her resentment must be at epic levels right now against me even though she ended with take care of yourself alright xo... .so I don’t think I’ve been painted black yet.
Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just trying to resolve something that can’t be fixed anyways? Jesus I miss her

[kfry2679]

Start healing properly and stop subjecting myself to endless drama if she would even have me back to begin with?
Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just trying to resolve something that can’t be fixed anyways? Jesus I miss her

The answer to all three of these questions is "Yes." I know the drive to prove that it could be different can be overwhelming. In addition, I think our brains become accustomed to drama so that we end up feeling a weird emptiness when things in our lives calm down. But the "resolution" you seek is a false reality.

Missing her is just exhausting, isn't it? It feels like you should be "taking action" and hate that there is no safe/healthy action to take that involves her. That is one of the worst parts for me.

[icky]

Shawnlam, have you tried reading the threads on the "Bettering a Relationship" board here?

I read them occasionally, to see a) Is it possible to make a relationship with a pwBPD work?

And also b) Because many of the stories are so gut-wrenching and the ppl are trying so hard and putting in a huge amount of effort and often yielding only tiny results... .which reminds me of the sheer super-human and herculean effort it would have taken to try and make the relationship with my BPDx work in even the smallest of ways. Seeing those relationships described, makes me wonder what on EARTH I would want to be in a relationship with a pwBPD for. It just looks like a caretaker role, taking care of someone with a disability. I don't think that's a negative thing as such - I think having a partner with a disability is fine - just if their disability is to actually *be* a partner/ to be a *loving* partner, then I think that disability is just too "huge" for me.

So, if you've not been reading the threads in that part of the forum, you might want to give it a try.

I think the people there are amazing for being so dedicated to their BPD partners and the effort they put in to get stuff to work is heroic and I think they are bigger ppl than me.

To watch them struggling with the painful day to day behaviours of their BPD partners is also an intense reminder to me tho, that *I* could not cope with it. It reminds me that I did the right thing for *me* in leaving my BPDx. I'm just not equipped to handle a lifetime of that stuff.

I read those threads with a huge amount of admiration, compassion and awe but also with a deep sense of gratitude and relief that I'm not going through that stuff anymore. Those threads are a good reminder that trying to be with a pwBPD is a huge, enormous life task and possibly the biggest challenge you would ever face.

(Sometimes, when I slip into thinking "Surely if I and my BPDx made an effort it could (have) work(ed)"... .those threads are a stark reminder of the HUUUUUUUUUGE effort required and then I remember that, no, I don't have it in me.)

[Foursome]

I know this is going to sound simple minded but look at your current position as a blessing. She has a mental illness that she will most likely never overcome. Take the take to grieve and heal. Feel all of it and let it sink in deep. Then prepare yourself for a healthy loving lasting relationship. She is out there waiting for you.

[Shawnlam]

I took your advice and read about those working through their BPD relationship.I can honestly say with some Shane involved ,I don’t believe I can do what they are doing.Not because I’m lazy and not because I’m not in love with her,I just don’t want to jeopardize what I’ve built for myself as my life stands now(career and all).Sounds selfish I know but it’s the truth... .I’m gonna miss her though.

[JNChell]

Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just trying to resolve something that can’t be fixed anyways?

Hey, ShawnIam! Are you comfortable with sharing some insight into your FOO? Quite often, our draw or attraction to these relationships is because we’re familiar with the dynamic on a subconscious level. Does anything from your relationship seem similar to your childhood?

[The Cat in d Hat]

I took your advice and read about those working through their BPD relationship.I can honestly say with some Shane involved ,I don’t believe I can do what they are doing.Not because I’m lazy and not because I’m not in love with her,I just don’t want to jeopardize what I’ve built for myself as my life stands now(career and all).Sounds selfish I know but it’s the truth... .I’m gonna miss her though.

Mine didn’t leave me any opening to reach out, but I’ve been sick for the last week and without being able to go out, work, study, or workout, I’m stuck ruminating and missing her. If she had left an opening, I might have been having a tough time not reaching out right now trying to get some kind of closure.

As with you I’ve ultimately put my life and career first and deemed her possibly being a liability. It’s selfish, but it’s self-preservation, and I can accept I’m not the kind of person who can endure a r/s with such a person, mentally or physically. So everything your feeling and doing... .it’s normal, but rough stuff. Hang in there!

[icky]

I took your advice and read about those working through their BPD relationship.I can honestly say with some Shane involved ,I don’t believe I can do what they are doing.Not because I’m lazy and not because I’m not in love with her,I just don’t want to jeopardize what I’ve built for myself as my life stands now(career and all).Sounds selfish I know but it’s the truth... .I’m gonna miss her though.

I'm not a selfish person either, but I know the task would be 100 x too huge for me.

With things the way they are (him in total denial, refusing treatment) I would have to a) give up my entire life, to help him live his life and b) I would have to accept that I'm his carer, and that he can't be my *partner*.

In effect, I feel I would be living the life of a nun, doing charitable work 24/7.

And to top it off, he'd be complaining non-stop, telling me that everything I do is wrong and that everything is my fault.

I'm pretty giving and patient, but I *KNOW* I do not have it in me to be that selfless.

[Shawnlam]

You know what’s been troubling me cat n the hat? I think mine did leave me away to reach out and deep down I know this.For her to have said to me and I quote ( I think it would have been better no contact to , but it’s fine you don’t have to explain yourself to me ,I understand,take care of yourself alright XO” I’ve been trying to analyze this ever since.Those were the last words (txt actually) she said to me last weekend Sunday am. She wasn’t angry,it’s like she understood what or why I left her and what she is in that one sentence.By her saying I understand you don’t need to explain anything to explain yourself... .it’s like she knew this was going to happen. And I feel like I let her down to be honest even though I know I couldn’t fix her and that I don’t have it in me to go through what’s needed just to be around her.

God damn it for having such a soul come into my life and damn it again for me falling in love with her ... .What a mental war I’m going through,time to continue reading codependency no more .

[juju2]

It's ok.

Don't blame yourself.  Self loathing doesn't work.  I am a great person!

You can become more healthy, if she comes back, you can lead w healthy.

That's the best way.  If i get healed from my issues, it follows that everyone in my life will get better.

When I change, they change... .

It's so strange how that works.

Own your power.   Learn about you, you are wonderful, worthy, lovable.  Find out who this mystery person, you, find out you.

that's a great book you are reading!